Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Yet More Evidence of Tom Ziller's Statistical Mastery (OR How Harry Potter Proves the French Are Liars)

The name Ghostface Ziller is hard-earned.

You see, the namesake rapper is one of the best ever, and this is undeniable. To live up to such a lofty name, a fellow would have to put in some serious and seriously good work for a long period of time, just like Tony Starks. That being said, Tom Ziller of everybasketballwebsite fame is a legend. A man who is certainly worthy of the Ghostface moniker (and not just because it sounds good). This summer was truly the summer of Ziller.

However, never has his work with Excel been so important as it is now.


The data below (derived from the Harry Potter Blood Purity Scale) might be pretty shocking. It proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that most so-called "French" basketball players are hardly French at all.

This is troubling for many reasons:

a) More people trying to wear gauzy scarves around their necks.
b) Possible racial tensions due to anger about inclusion at local wizarding academies (ex. Malfoy vs. Granger, 2000)
c) More very sweating people who refuse to wear deodorant.
d) Proliferation of Formula-One fandom.
e) Bloghouse musicians JUSTICE (Joustice) plot takeover of America by dance-induced hysteria.
f) Techno wars between JUSTICE and Daft Punk infiltrate America, further plummeting the economy.
g) French culinary arts become more commonplace, and therefore are assimilated, and are therefore not as tasty.
h) I think the French still hate America, right?

As you can see, there is nothing good that can come from French citizenship being handed out like candy. Sooner than you think, France will have adopted enough basketball players that they can form a successful international team. This will allow them to generate enough capital to launch an attack against us through deft passing, delicious food, and delirious dancing. (I'm particularly scared since these are my three weaknesses.)

However, there is a ray of light. There is one great benefit of an increased number of "French" basketball players:

a) More BAGUETTE jokes.

When you really weigh it out, that might make the dance craze worth it.

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