Monday, June 30, 2008

All About The Blowtorch


About the Site
The Blowtorch, in its first incarnation, was founded nearly four years ago. Like most randomly started blogs it was personal, silly, and pretty bad. Random stories, things about music (I was writing a music column for the school paper at the time), and other generally unfocused ramblings. There’s not a ton of stuff from back then that I’m particularly proud of, but I was twenty. Whatever.

This period lasted for about a year before tapering off to The Blowtorch’s Dead Period. For roughly a year and a half, posting was scarce. Occasionally I’d imagine something that was post-worthy, but for the most part I was creatively drained. However, it was during the Dead Period that sports blogs really started happening. I started commenting here and there. I started reading this and that. Slowly, I started contemplating creative opportunities.

‘Twas a conversation with FreeDarko’s Brown Recluse, Esq. that finally got me to do something with what was in my brain. A soon to follow post, inspired by a Shoals piece, were my first real successes. Linked by Kelly Dwyer at TrueHoop, The Blowtorch was born again as you see it today.

About the Name
The name The Blowtorch (alternately Ze Blowtorch or The Torch) was born from a conversation that I had about five years ago. Whilst watching some episode of I Love the 90s featuring the Spice Girls I boldly declared that if I were to be a Spice Girl, I’d want a tough name like “Blowtorch Spice.” Thus a nickname was birthed.

About Me
This isn’t some overblown outing of myself. I’m small-time and not deluded enough to think that any mainstream media types are clamoring for my real name (even though Rashard Lewis’ agent constantly Googles himself – seriously). That being said, my real name is out there and easily found.

I play basketball, get injured, make music, hang out with humans, grow facial hair, and obsess about culture. I think robots are fascinating and terrifying. Major influences are Chuck Klosterman, The Beatles, Tom Green, Skeets, Kelly Dwyer, Wes Anderson movies, Dr. LawyerIndianChief, the mafia, John Hodgman, Tarantino, David Byrne, and a bunch of other music.

If you have a question, email me at theblowtorch[at]gmail[dot]com.

Great Successes
I Interview Chuck Klosterman

I Essentially Predict the Outcome of the 2008 NBA Finals Months in Advance

I Introduce Math to the NBA

I Unearth a Bunch of Great NBA Mustaches. And Beards.

I Nickname Kevin Durant

Recurring Themes
Tonay Parcare

Joakim Noah

MATHEMATICSIZED

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects

Additional Goathair Writing
Twitter

Born and Raised

Sports by Brooks

DeadOn

Ball Don’t Lie

Blog Critics

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Davina's Darlington Dykes

So I'm probably one of the few lesbians is Britain who watches Big Brother - I have no shame!


I thought I should inform you of the lesbians in the crowd of the eviction of Sylvia Barrie, as they made me laugh hysterically when I saw them! Clad with a giant rainbow flag bearing the words 'Davina's Darlington Dykes' in honor of show host Davina McCall, the 3 lesbians (who wanted to make it clear that they were from Darlington) were doing it for the dykes by being out and proud on national live TV.

Do we need more dykes like them? We sure do.
And is anyone else praying for a hot lesbian to replace out gay man Dennis McHugh? I certainly am.

Friday, June 27, 2008

PB&C

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Jif + Nestle Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips = HAPPY!

So... Peter and I had swimming lessons again today (he did AWESOME; put his face in the water a few times with me as we "breathed/blew bubbles," kicked his legs, floated, had fun)... so upon returning home with wet hair, I was cold. I changed into a long-sleeve t-shirt, jeans, socks, shoes... the whole bit. Still cold. So of course, I justify the worst-for-you-ever snack (which I LOVE)... microwave-melted peanut butter (yum) with chocolate chips (as if the pb wasn't enough).

I often have my Jif fix (I am such a Jif girl) with an apple; then I can say I'm having FRUIT and PROTEIN. But today... no such self-convincing luck. PB&C all the way. And yes, it was yummy. The guilt now is present, but bearable. Let's just say I'll try to not make this a daily ritual (again). Haha...ha.

Any guilty (edible or non) pleasures you'd like to share? C'mon!!! Comment! I LOOOOOVE comments!

Steven A. Smith Interviews Joe Alexander

(click for video)
Steven A. Smith: Joe, you were drafted by THE Milwaukee Bucks. Congratulations!

Joe Alexander: THANK YOU, STEVEN A.! ... STEVEN A., AS YOU KNOW, THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS ARE A GOOD BASKETBALL TEAM! I THINK WE WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS NEXT YEAR!

Steven A. Smith: Easy, bro.

Joe Alexander: "EASY, BRO" IS RIGHT, STEVEN A.! THE BUCKS ARE BACK!

Steven A. Smith: No! I mean, don’t SHOUT like that, my man. That’s my thing.

Joe Alexander: LISTEN, STEVEN A., I HAVE A DISEASE! ... I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! ... I'M UNABLE TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! ... THIS IS NOT "SHOUTING" -- IT IS TALKING!

Steven A. Smith: It's just-- couldn't you take a deep breath, lower your voice, or whateva?

Joe Alexander: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! I HAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERY YEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THIS HORRIBLE ... HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONE AT ANY TIME -- PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWO MONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST!

Steven A. Smith: Gold dust, Joe?

Joe Alexander: OH, IT'S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, STEVEN A., A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABY DAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TO SLEEP! HUSH HUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! ... OR IMAGINE YOU'RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYER TO GOD! "OH, PLEASE, DEAR GOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD! PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSO LET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!" THAT IS MY HELL, STEVEN A.! ... I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON ANYONE!

MAYBE ON YOU, STEVEN A., BUT NO ONE ELSE!

Steven A. Smith: Hey! Hey, that's mean!

Joe Alexander: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WAS ACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! ... BUT I CAN'T MUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! ... YOU JERK! THAT WAS UNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU IDIOT!

Steven A. Smith: Just stop--

Joe Alexander: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!

Steven A. Smith: Will you stop, Joe?

Joe Alexander: I THINK I WILL, STEVEN A.! I THINK I WILL!

Warning: Biblical Swearing Only

I saw this on Brecken's friend's blog (was that confusing enough for y'all?) and I had to post it. How awesome to love people and love life all over the world . . . and share it for us to enjoy!


Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Eef Ees In Ze Game, Ees In Ze Game


Ah, yes, Ahmerrykahns! Tonay Parcare ees coming to a store near you. Das right, I, Tonay Parcare, veel be gracing de covare of ze best bassetball game in ze worlds, NBAs LIFES Two Sousand and Nine.

So yes, Ahmerrykahns, you can have ze Tonay Parcare een your own house. Een your own vroom. Eef you like, een your bed. But not zee vreal Tonay Parcare, unfortunately for you.

But, you know, eef you ask Tonay nicely, he join you in bed too.

The Blowtorch 2008 NBA Draft Manual


I put together a little document for tonight's draft. It's got the NBADraft.net Top 100. It's got the latest Draft Express mock draft. It's got a bunch of lists of players I like and don't like. It's even got a listing of the full order of the draft so you can follow along at home, adding in the draft picks as they are announced. Needless to say, this thing will be handy tonight. Download it, print it, study it.

Download The Blowtorch's 2008 NBA Draft Manual

UPDATE: Thanks to Todd, here's a mirror to the manual.

The Sanctity of Marriage

President Thomas S. Monson - Prophet, Seer, and Revelator


My good friend and former coworker Connor wrote a great post today. You should check it out.

I feel very strongly about following the prophet, who I testify is President Thomas S. Monson. I know he is the mouthpiece of God on earth today, he follows the Savior fully, and if we follow him as the prophet, we truly are following Christ.

Because of that, I am committed to following President Monson, the living prophet, all the way.

One issue (which Connor discusses in detail) is homosexual marriage. The definition of marriage is being discussed again in California politics. This is a hot and complicated issue. I have friends who are homosexual. I love them and want them to be happy. But I know that President Monson is the prophet, that the truth is the truth, and that the popular vote does not change the reality that

marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)


I know this is true, because of the countless times I have felt the Spirit testify to me of the importance and eternal nature of marriage, family, and even gender.

In the last general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Kenneth Johnson said:

The scientist's success has been achieved by complying with what are often referred to as natural laws. The great scientists of the past and present did not create the laws associated with these naturally occurring processes; they discovered them. . . .

It is important to understand that natural laws were not determined on the basis of popularity. They were established and rest on the rock of reality.

There are also moral verities that did not originate with man. They are central to a divine plan which, when discovered and applied, brings great happiness and hope on our mortal journey. ("Restoring Faith in the Family," May 2008 Ensign, 15-16)


It gets down to this: the truth is the truth. You can call "red" "yellow" as many times as you'd like, but it doesn't change the fact that "red" is "red." So it goes with the eternal moral principles of marriage, family, and gender. There will always be opposition to the truth, but that opposition never changes the truth.

To close, here are the inspiring words of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin:

To those who have strayed because of doctrinal concerns, we cannot apologize for the truth. We cannot deny doctrine given to us by the Lord Himself. On this principle we cannot compromise.

I understand that sometimes people disagree with doctrine. They even go so far as to call it foolish. But I echo words of the Apostle Paul, who said that sometimes spiritual things can appear as foolishness to men. Nevertheless, "the foolishness of God is wiser than men."

In truth, things of the Spirit are revealed by the Spirit. "The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned." ("Concern for the One," May 2008 Ensign, 19-20)


We must all decide where we stand 100%. There is no halfway; we are either all the way following the Lord's servants, or we are disobeying them and thus Him.

I love President Monson, and I truly know he is the prophet today. That is why I follow him, even though I don't understand everything. I don't understand all the complexities of loving a person and wanting their happiness, but knowing that a lifestyle is fundamentally and eternally wrong.
What I do know is that as we follow the prophet, we will always be on the Lord's side, and that is what matters eternally.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects III

  • Henry brought this up a little bit ago (fifth bullet), but I subscribe whole-heartedly to the "mock drafts are just conjecture" school of thought. If you don't have access, you're just guessing. What Skeets, KD, and their crew is doing is perfect. What does a team need, who will help, and why. That's exactly what you need from bloggers. Leave the prognosticating to guys like Chad Ford. They talk to people and can actually have some insight in to what a certain team is looking for. If you want to make your guesses, go ahead and make your guesses; I'd rather read about what YOU think a team needs and how they can realistically go about fixing that need.
  • If you're looking for more actual draft insights, go to Ridiculous Upside. Matt's talented, and internet fam, and he also works along the lines of providing actual analysis rather than guesswork.
  • Matt REALLY needs to buy a URL for Hardwood Paroxysm. That's way too long to type when you add the Blogspot nonsense at the end. Oh, I'll being appearing over there from time to time this summer.
  • The Shaq diss on Kobe is definitely hilarious but don't believe for a second that Shaq was going off his head. He has this reputation that he's the NBA's funny guy for a reason. His persona is just as contrived as LeBron's is. Notice that the only time he's making jokes or goofing off are in instances when he's had time to prepare (press conferences, commercials, etc.), but when he's put on the spot (like in a locker room setting) he's intentionally dull.

I Want to Believe

I love the X-files. I don't care if you think I'm weird.

5 a.m.


Why am I STILL awake?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!??!?!?! ARRRGHHH!!!!!

That frustration aside, hello and good morning. I woke up at 5 a.m. to Peter's intermittent cries. So Robert and I both went in and did the "routine" to get him back to bed . . . diaper change, 2 stories, scripture story, prayer, song. Peter went back to sleep instantly. Robert went back to sleep within minutes. I rolled in bed and have now made German Oven Pancakes with cinnamon/brown sugar apples and have completed a family quiz. Now I'm blogging.

Isn't it SO annoying when you are tired (or at least know you WILL be insanely tired in a little bit) but you just can't sleep? I tried forcing myself for about a half hour, but decided to use my time wisely. Now the question is: do I wake up Robert early so I can eat some German Oven Pancakes, eat them by myself (rude!!! :), or wait for Robert? Hmm . . . we shall see . . . they smell pretty darn good, though, so I may just have to do option 1 or 2.
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Hope yours is a good day and that YOU at least got lots of sleep!!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Yellow Happy Day!

I meant to post this on the first day of Summer, but I'm a little late. Happy Summer anyhow! Peter just started swimming lessons today (a mommy & me class) and he was a little unsure at first (thought I was torturing him)... but ended up happily talking and growling. Yay!
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Have a great week and enjoy the (very late) pics!

Pics with Justin, Brecken, and Reuben in DC on Memorial Day.






Robert loves Peter's crib for some reason. (Luckily he's skinny so it doesn't break.) :)

Uh-Oh... someone is NOT happy (and has the messy, mad face to prove it).

Chillin' in his too-cute "Mr. Mischief: TROUBLE is My Middle Name" t-shirt (Thanks, Target).



An Impartial Review of Tyronn Lue

There are exactly three things that I always remember about Tyronn Lue:

One, he bears a strong resemblance to WNBA superstar Teresa Weatherspoon.

(actual size)



Two, there are two Ns in his name. Three, he was humiliated by Allen Iverson in the 2001 NBA Finals.
(see the 6 minute mark for Iverson sonning Lue)

Obviously, my Tyronn Lue game isn’t up to snuff. But with technology, I can get caught up on the intricacies of Tyronn Jamar Lue. For instance, I just learned that Microsoft Word does not recognize the names Tyronn, Jamar, and Lue. Consider them added to the dictionary. And consider that a big win for technology.

Tyronn Lue’s 2007-2008 basketball season was largely unsuccessful. Tyronn started as a back-up point guard to the widely acclaimed Anthony Johnson on the Atlanta Hawks. Though that, in and of itself, is saddening, if we rewind roughly one year, we’ll see that Tyronn was one of the reasons the Hawks needed a point guard so badly in the 2007 Draft.

You see the Hawks had this problem with drafting forwards. Much like myself and any pair of dress pants that are long enough, the Hawks horded forwards. And just as I have four pairs of khakis that are the same color but different brands, the Hawks had a gaggle of athletic forwards but no one to pass them the ball. Divorced from emotions, this is a basketball problem; but when connected to the roster, Tyronn Lue was sad.

Nonetheless, Lue soldiered on. Though slotted behind Johnson, Tyronn outperformed both him and rookie Acie Law. However, when the Hawks had the opportunity to acquire the formerly good Mike Bibby, Lue and his 3.5 million dollar contract became expendable.

Strangely enough, Lue was widely recruited following his buy-out from the Kings. Though there was a hard push from the Phoenix camp, Lue decided to sign with the Mavericks, choosing to sit behind future Hall of Famer Jason Kidd rather than behind future Hall of Famer Steve Nash. Both teams went on to flame out in this year’s playoffs, proving that pursuing Tyronn Lue is a death wish.

The story of Tyronn Lue’s 2007-2008 season can be summed up like so: reason for worry to afterthought to pleasant surprise to trade bait to buy out to mop-up duty. Lest you become too sad for Tyronn Lue, please remember that he still made 3.5 million dollars this year for playing basketball.

Kevin Garnett Intenses Summer Movies

Special to Ze Blowtorch, Kevin Garnett reviews the latest summer movies.

Iron Man
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The Love Guru

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Get Smart

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The Happening


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Don't Mess with the Zohan


Friday, June 20, 2008

Celebrity Reactions: Joakim Noah


Ah, for real, son? The Celtics won? The Boston Celtics? Ain't they got, like, Scot Pollard or whatever? That dude is HILARIOUS. Always holdin'. That's my boy.



You wanna hit this?

Shane Battier MATHEMATICSIZED!!!

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Thursday, June 19, 2008

God dammit Tila Tequila!

Okay, so I didn't watch the first season of 'A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila', but all the hype about her breakup with Bobby Banhart after the first series has drawn me in.




It's the final next week, but I'm so frustrated with Tila for b
ooting off the hottest girls in the competition! Firstly, it was the gorgeous Sirbrina Guerrero (below) who she kicked out because she claimed that 'looks didn't mean everything to her', but she really never got the chance to talk to Sirbrina so why didn't she wait a little?! Fair enough, if she had a date with her afterwards and didn't like her, I could have understood. And besides, who would kick this off?!:

She's clearly cuter than Tila, maybe she got jealous.

Anyway, when it got down to the final 3, Tila again made the wrong deci
sion and picked off the sexy Brittany Rae, (below) meaning there is only one girl left, and she is by no means the hottest. (In my opinion!)Brittany was also this years only gold star lesbian, making her just that little bit hotter. (And I can never resist a girl with her lip pierced!)

So, for the final, Tila has chosen Kristy Morgan and Bo Kunkle to fight for her lo
ve. I've heard rumors about who is going to win, but I won't spoil it for you! In the meantime, here are the two finalists for you to decide for yourself who's hotter... (And I think we all know the answer!)


World Premiere: Kelly Dwyer on the Guitar

A Blowtorch original:

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Celebrity Reactions: My Fiancee


It's over? Cool.

We need to get a limo and a cake. We need to figure out flowers. We have to pick which food we're going to serve.

I think I'm getting our invitations from the same place as the save the dates. They had really good customer service.

I love you.

Do you want to watch a movie tonight? We've had Gone Baby Gone for two months. I'm sad Top Chef won't be on tonight. Call me on your way home...

(note: thanks, Fiancee, for putting up with this NBA nonsense all year. Love.)

Celebrity Reactions: Tony Parker


Oh, ze Bostone Celteeks haf won-a ze tie-tell. A-zo Tonay Parcare ess varry sads, he steel ess happy for-a ze Celteeks. Espessalley ze Rayzean Rondo. Such-a smooth skeen and preety eyes.

Maybe ze Rayzean Rondo wanta to join-a Tonay and-a Eefa in ze bed? Maybe ze Rayzean wanta to sex-a my wife? Maybe ze Rondo, maybe he want-a baguette? UH-HUH-HUH, BAGUETTE!

Tonay Parcare don't know. When he wass champeen, he sex-a EFFRYSING. Ees-a up to you Rayzean. You no sex-a my wife, maybe Crease Paul vill.

Celebrity Reactions: Hillary Clinton


C'mon, Lakers. You're still in this! You can do it. It's not over until you say it's over.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Kevin Garnett Intenses Twitter

Kevin Garnett's current Twitter status:

An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters

Dear People Who Write Open Letters,

The people you're writing to never read your letters.

With Love,

goathair

Monday, June 16, 2008

SAVE SPASHLEY! (And their raspy voices...)

After I discovered The L Word I clearly needed to see some more lesbian coupling on TV with chemistry as good as what Laurel Holloman (Tina Kennard) and Jennifer Beals (Bette Porter) portray.

And then I found these two:
Cute, right? Gabrielle Christian, 24 (Spencer Carlin, left) and Mandy Musgrave, 22 (Ashley Davies, right) from The N's South Of Nowhere may actually be cuter than Alice & Dana from The L Word. And that takes some beating.

Recently, I was discussing with my friend who is new to the show what makes these two so cute... And all I could come up with was their sexy little raspy voices! I don't know why, but there's something about the way these two sound when talking to each other that makes them irresistible.

Sure, sometimes the scripted conversations between Ashley and Spencer are sometimes a little cheesy, but that just makes me love them even more!


And more to the point: SOUTH OF NOWHERE IS BEING CANCELLED!

There aren't enough lesbian shows to go around as it is, so get yourself to http://www.savespashley.com/ to help Mandy & Gabrielle stay together as a couple on the air. If you live in the States, you can also go to http://www.the-n.com/ to catch up on any episodes you may have missed.

So please help and Save Spashley. After all, they earned it - they're as cute as cupcakes :)