Thursday, July 31, 2008

There's a Reason My Last Name's Love


Awwwww, yeah girl. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’, “that Kevin Love looks HOTT in that new Twolves jersey.” Well I got news for you, baby. KLove’s gonna make this jersey work.

I’ll come by later, wearing my jersey, singing “Business Time.” Cause you know when KLove gets down to business, it’s business time. Play your cards right and we might be talkin’ 2 am burritos at El Mex. If you’re lucky, I might let you wear this jersey, girl.

Haha, I’m just playin’. You know KLove ain’t givin’ up this jersey. Even your fine self can’t work this jersey like KLove.

The blue makes my eyes pop? You know what else is poppin’? Yeah, you do girl. I call it KBone. And that’s what I’m gonna do. Why don’t you come a little closer and I’ll show you why McHale didn’t need Mayo. That’s right, we’ll be talkin’ trades ALL NIGHT. Like you tradin’ your man for KLove.

You like the way I got this ball spinnin’? That’s just the start, baby. Let these fingers do their thing and KLove’ll do his. I’m talkin’ outlet passes to your front court. I’m talkin’ back door passes to your…well, your back door. I’m talkin’ you trimmin’ my linebeard. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it. You won’t be the first and you certainly won’t be the last.

But, for real, girl. I’ll enroll you at UCLA. The University of Climax, Love Academy. And you know who the dean is? KLove. Don’t worry, your application has already been approved and I’ve got your grant right here.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Annotated Kwame Brown

Since Kwame Brown has signed with the Pistons, what better time to re-examine his legendary mugshot? I've noted 5 things here, but I'm sure there's more. Feel free to add them in the comments.

Other Places

I did this for Moore. Read it; it's really good. So is the little group of writers he's put together. I'm going to actually have to try to dominate it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A Guide to Going to Europe

Threatening to go to Europe is the new threatening to move to Canada. Essentially, it’s a meaningless threat on par with a VERY meaningless threat. Nonetheless, as a service to everyone, I’ll show you how you can use the threat of going to Europe in your every day life to get what you want.


-------------

While booking a limousine for a wedding…
Martin: The best we can do for you is $200 an hour for a 14 seat, stretch Escalade.
Frank: I want a 20 seat party bus.
Martin: Well, that’ll be $240 an hour.
Frank: Whatever. I’m going to Europe.
Martin: Fine. How does $140 an hour sound?

While asking for a raise…
Erica: I’ve performed well above my expected level and feel that I should be promoted to the senior level.
Ron: You’re still a little inexperienced.
Erica: Fine. I’ll just go to Europe.
Ron: Alright, senior level, 11% raise, and a company car.

While negotiating an NBA contract...
Chris: Ey yo, uh, we ain’t sure you’re performance last year justifies you’s getting’ a big contrac’.
Andris: I veal go to Yoorope.
Chris: Aight, man, you got me. 6 years, 64 mill?
Andris: Voondarefool.

While listening to 80s rock…
Rico: Dude, Journey OWNS the 80s.
Mick: Yeah, right. I’m going Europe.
IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

While seducing your wife…
Todd: Aww, c’mon, honey. It’ll be fun.
Hannah: We are NOT getting a third person.
Todd: Fine. I’m going to Europe.
Tony Parker: You want-a to sex-a my wife?

Monday, July 28, 2008

Found Item: Elton Brand's Honey Do List

It's not uncommon to report to your significant other. I mean, I shaved my beard for that very reason. That being said, this list - given to Elton Brand by his wife, Shahara - illuminates some reasons why Elton Brand had to leave Los Angeles.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Doomsday Scenario #3243875938475


On July 30th, the Cheesecake Factory will be offering every one of their cheesecakes at a discounted price of $1.50 a slice. Sure this seems like a good idea, a nice way to honor their 30 year anniversary. But consider the consequences, I've produced a flow chart for easy viewing.




click for large version

As you can see, virtually every imaginable scenario is perilous. I suggest stocking up on non-perishables, bottled water, and batteries. You have 5 days to prepare for the apocalypse.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Danilo Gallinari

Danilo Gallinari shirts now available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

My Golden Fleece

The reason I joke about foreigners so much is because they're my favorite group of players in the NBA. That being said, this video is pretty much everything that excites me about what might happen in the NBA. Two dudes who might never set foot in the league, but if they did, they'd be two of my favorite players.


I Wish Desert Had Another "S"

We are in Utah!!! This Friday is Robert's brother's wedding (yay Stephen!). If you live in Utah and you didn't know we are here, don't be offended, please! We decided this was a family-first trip, so we have seen hardly any friends. We would love to see friends who want to drop by or have us over for a quick visit sometime, but otherwise, we're trying to devote our time to BOTH of our (large) families.

I've got to say, the desert air is not liking my lungs (or Peter's from the sounds of it). The first night I was here, my throat was already hurting and it continues to feel sooooo dry. I guess I really am used to living in humid D.C. I love Utah, though, mainly because our families are here in large part and I love our families. Yay!

Well, this post is kind of lame, so check out a post that isn't; my testimony of the Savior. I really do know it to be true. Read on.

Love to y'all. (-Jocelyn)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Life Lessons with Brad Miller

One of the NBA's preeminent stoners, Sacramento's Brad Miller, was gracious enough to sit down and give The Blowtorch a series of stories about his life. His life's lessons, if you will. This is the first of those stories:

Run Along

Join a whole bunch of us NBA fellas over at Ball Don't Lie for a MARATHON CHAT. It's for a good cause. And for jokes. Which are also a worthy cause.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Kevin Love

Kevin Love shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

A Coronation lesbian?

I've never really been a big fan of any soap operas. However, this week in the UK newspaper 'The Daily Star' there have been claims that a lesbian character is going to be introduced into the cast.

As I said, I was never really a big fan, but if the rumors are true, maybe I should start taking time out to watch a couple of episodes.

There's no news about which characters the new cast member will be romantically involved with, but I will keep you updated. Here's just hoping it's one of the more eligible bachelorettes, rather than Blanche Hunt. (Played by Patricia Cutts.)

I See Your Shaq/Hakeem Taco Bell Commercial and Raise You One TacoNECK Commercial

Skeets' Taco Bell commercial was fun, but this one is tops. Peep Young Derek Fisher and Eddie Jones.

You're turn, Matt Moore.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Really, Though

If you haven't already, go read Matt's screed on the Cheesecake Factory phenomenon. It's enlightening, especially for the Fanhouse.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects V

Pitchfork Festival edition
  • As recently as two years ago, I was devoted to the Pitchfork music festival. I'd be there from the first notes of the first set (Pelican, if I remember right -- terrible) and wouldn't leave until the very last song of the last artist. Things done changed. I was at Union Park for a total of 4 hours on Sunday. Spoon wasn't worth staying for. Ghostface and Rae were dope and King Khan was fantastic. After those two acts, I didn't really care for anyone else there. Sorry, Bon Iver.
  • It can only be assumed that the mid-1990s Charlotte Hornets are the hipster choice of NBA team. I counted at least 3 Alonzo Mourning jerseys, 2 Larry Johnsons, and 1 Muggsy Bogues.


  • About that King Khan set; Fiancee and I showed up about halfway through and were blown away. Not only did it sound awesome but the stage show was hilarious. Headdresses, capes, and a cheerleader. But really, isn't Khan just a much more talented Har Mar Superstar? Is there any chance he can keep up what little success he's had without turning in to a total joke? Enjoy it while it lasts.
  • I'm a well-dressed fellow. This is a certainty. However, I'm also not above taking chances stylistically and I definitely don't frown upon people doing their own thing. All that being said, there was a gluttony of terrible, TERRIBLE fashion choices this weekend. There is a very distinct reason that deep v-necks and short jogging shorts went out of style. No one wants to see that much skin on a man. Ever. And while it's pretty played out to say "all these people want to be individuals but they dress the same," it's also painfully true.
  • The Animal Collective set was perfect for a last set in the dark. Their ambient stuff is way better live than on record.
  • I met Jeff Weiss and he was the most earnest and genuinely happy blogger I've met. And aside from the wristband, the least affected. Good people. Also, no homo.
  • I wonder if when Ghost and Rae joined Wu-Tang they ever thought they'd be performing to 10,000 sweaty, white kids who know all the words to all their songs? That can't have been part of RZA's plan.
  • If you're a musician playing at Pitchfork, it's probably pretty easy to walk around and see some other bands since there's at least 25 people who look exactly like you.
  • Raekwon HAS to be related to Kirby Puckett.
  • Number one most punchable at the festival: Tom Breihan

Friday, July 18, 2008

A Fable

Once upon a time, a man decided to perform an experiment. Not your typical scientific experiment, per se, but rather a social experiment.

This man, though not a scientist, sought to assemble a collection of humans. Humans from every walk of life. Humans, mind you, that are rarely seen together. Humans that rattle to the depths of one's soul. Yes, this man - a man of glorious wealth - travelled far and wide, searching for the oddities that had been cast aside by cultures across the globe. Cultures that couldn't see them for their inherent wealth. Cultures that not only exile the unusual but that also invalidate the worth of these people.

Over time, the man collected these humans, but that was only part of the plan. Simply gathering was not enough; these treasures must be displayed, he thought. Seeking a stage for his band of oddities, the man settled on Puerto Rico. From there, it was time to unleash his cadre of outcasts upon the world, to show the world what they were missing.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the Puerto Rican national basketball team.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Joe Alexander Attends a Screening of The Dark Knight


OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GET TO SEE THIS MOVIE EARLY! IT'S GOING TO BE OUT OF THIS WORLD!

Joe's friend: Sssssshhhhh.

YOU JERKS! YOU KNOW I'M WHISPERING RIGHT NOW! I HATE ALL OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID VOLUME-CONTROLLED VOICES!

Joe's friend: Easy, Joe.

SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE UP, CHAS! LET'S WATCH THE MOVIE!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HEATH LEDGER'S LAST MOVIE?! HE'S TERRIFYING IN THIS! DON'T GO IN THERE, BATMAN! DON'T DO IT!

Joe's friend: You can't say things like that, Joe.

I'LL SAY WHAT I WANT CHAS! THIS IS AMERICA! IF I WANT TO TELL A FICTIONAL CHARACTER THAT HE SHOULD BE WARY OF CHASING A MANIAC NAMED THE JOKER THAN I WILL TELL HIM THAT! YOUR MOTHER WEARS COMBAT BOOTS!

Joe's friend: Excuse me?

I SAID THAT I LIKE BATMAN'S BOOTS, YOU JUICEBAG!

Joe's friend: Did you just call me a juicebag? I don't even know what that means.

THAT WAS UNDER MY BREATH! YOU SERIOUSLY ARE A JUICEBAG THOUGH! TOTAL JUICEBAG!

THIS MOVIE IS SO GREAT! WE'RE LUCKY NO ONE WAS HERE TO RUIN IT!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

OJ Mayo


OJ Mayo shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.


Oh, and if you couldn't tell. We're going in draft order. Every first round pick will get their own shirt, plus one at the end with all of them together. Email me for special requests.

Investigating Kobe Bryant's Sheath Logo

There's an old saying, "If you win the MVP, people will make a ton of shoes about it." It's not a particularly good saying, but I think it fits. Since the season got over, there have been a ridiculous amount of Kobe Bryant shoes, shirts, and baked goods made available that celebrate his first MVP. This does not trouble me. Kobe is a marketable athlete who is becoming less and less unlikeable by the year. Get money and all that.

What troubles me is his logo.
For the life of me, I can't figure out why Kobe has this logo. First of all, it sucks. You can't look at that and discern for any reason why that might be Kobe Bryant's logo. It kinda looks like a T, but I'm guessing it's not in honor of the last letter of his last name. It's the wackness.

Possibly even more infuriating than a purely non-sensical logo is that it is supposedly a sheath. Assuming that this would be a sheath that covers a sword of some sort, more questions are raised. Why does Kobe get a sheath? He's not a trained swordsman, he was raised in Italy, and there is no conceivable scenario that incorporates Kobe Bryant listening to the Wu-Tang Clan. Admittedly, if Kobe were a Wu-Tang fan he'd be a GZA guy, but that's beside the point -- Kobe Bryant would not listen to Wu-Tang.

I've gone astray. Back to the lecture at hand.

Kobe is not a samurai sword kind of guy. He's not any sort of guy except a basketball guy, really. It's known that Kobe is obsessed with his sport, so trying to relate him to other areas rings false to me. Ergo, I do not like his logo.

However, if you flip his logo over, I think the logo makes a bit more sense.
You see, Kobe's a dick.

I'm So Vain & CHECKMATE



Dude, I love hearing about... me. Sorry, I really am "so vain." Feel free to write a song about me and then try to deny it.

SOOO... play the game below! AND check out the awesome pictures above, evidence of my victory over Robert.

  1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember! Let me know you check my blog!

  2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Michael Beasley


Shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

Found Item: Elton Brand's Shopping List

Based on this document, found in a garbage can outside a Los Angeles area Whole Foods nearly 2 weeks ago, we should have known Elton Brand was going to Philadelphia. Seriously, batteries?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Derrick Rose

Shirts in progress...
UPDATE: Derrick Rose shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP. There's going to be an accompanying shirt for every first-rounder. Buy them all.

Friday, July 11, 2008

In Progress

I'm working on something for HP right now. While I jot, ponder this:
Which shoe is worse?

The worst Jordan ever created.




OR



The ugliest Arenas' ever designed.

Choose wisely.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Poor Peter

Peter being carried inside after 4th of July festivities.


On Sunday, Peter suffered a mini tragedy.

Right before church started, with Jocelyn on the stand ready to conduct, Peter made a too-quick move in a pew and either bit his lip too hard or hit it on a sharp corner of a hymnal holder.

The result was an immediate spurt of blood (mixed with banana, which he had been munching on) and he cried out in pain. I didn't see the blood at first, but I realized he was in more pain than usual, so I picked him up to take him out. Then I saw the small, scattered blood stains on my blue button-up shirt.

I rushed Peter to the restroom, and by the time I had rinsed his mouth and wiped his lip, he had stopped bleeding and started to laugh. He's a brave little boy. I noticed that the cut on his lip, though small, might be deep enough to warrant stitches.

Just then, the missionaries entered the restroom asking me if I could go on splits that Friday with them. I told them that I would have to check with my wife, as we might have a date. But otherwise, I'd be happy to. (Now that I think about it, we don't have a Friday date so I need to call them).

Then Elder Tobey asked, "Did Peter spill chocolate on your shirt? Nah, I guess that was you eating the chocolate right?" He chuckled.

"Actually, it's blood." My short response had the intended shock effect. I then showed the Elders Peter's wound and asked their opinion. The second missionary told me that if it started to scab over within 10 minutes, I probably didn't need to worry but that I should take him in otherwise. Better safe than sorry.

I agreed, but I took Peter (still happy and already having forgotten the whole incident) to Jocelyn to show her what had happened. We agreed it was best to take him to the Emergency Room just to check it out.

I went home and got Peter's Medicaid card (and took a second to change my shirt), and then drove a block to the local hospital.

Waiting for the doctor to call us was painless, since Peter was happy running around, although he did manage to knock over a tall magazine rack. ("Uh-oh," he said.)

The doctor decided the wound would heal more efficiently with two stitches; first, he wanted to place a numbing pad on the site for half an hour, and this did not make Peter happy. Peter freaked out the first time the nurse taped the gauze pad to his lip and his quick hands had it off in less than a second. I tried to hold his arms the second time, but when I thought he was sufficiently distracted by a book I let up and he immediately had it off again.

So the third time I held him tight while he squirmed and cried. I cuddled his face against my chest so he wouldn't be able to easily reach the bandage, and after a minute, he settled down and started to rest easy. He fell asleep in that position while we waited for the doctor to come back and finish the job.

The actual stitching was the worst. Peter was placed on a board/gurney, and his arms were wrapped in a sheet and secured by big velcro straps. All that was peeking out was his small head, with his hurt eyes staring up at me as he cried.

Two nurses helped me hold Peter's head still while he screamed and while the doctor attempted to delicately inject a shot into the wound before doing the stitches. Though his jaw was being held more or less in place, he kept saying "Daddy! Daddy! Mama!" It was heart-breaking.

The doctor successfully inserted both stitches, and then I released Peter and comforted him as he sniffled against my shoulder.

He was very curious about the threads tickling his mouth for the next few hours, but he forgot about those eventually as well as the cut itself.



Now he's back to his happy self. He gets the stitches out on Monday.




-Bob

The Dark Knight and Moral Ambiguity


When Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was about to be released, I camped out with friends for a week on the Wynnsong 12 lawn in order to get first dibs on tickets. I also collected money from friends at school, and told them I would buy them tickets with their money. As it happened, I collected money for full price tickets and bought the friends matinee tickets; I didn't do this intentionally but realized the mistake when I ended up with about ten extra dollars after I'd bought all the tickets I needed.

With Fandango.com and online ticket purchasing now available, I doubt anyone will ever convince me to camp out again, but that won't diminish my anticipation for big movies.

Which brings me to my reason for posting: The Dark Knight. Reviews for this movie so far are hugely positive. Jocelyn and I already have our tickets, as do many family members seeing it with us. We have reserved seats so we don't have to get there two hours early. And I'm seeing it in IMAX. My eagerness to see this movie knows no bounds.

On the other hand, the more I learn about this movie, the more I fear that it will be too dark for some. Batman Begins had a somber feel about it, but it ended triumphantly. The Dark Knight is violent, scary, and morally jarring. For example, I have read that The Joker in this film places good people in situations that make it difficult to stick to a moral code. And nearly all of the major characters face dark "lesser-of-two evils" situations before rebounding; or rather, some characters are able to rebound and some aren't.

The classic dilemma is the train-switch problem. You are near the switch and know that if the train continues in the direction it is going, many people will die. If you switch the train to the other track, only one person will die. So you can be passive and save the life of one person, or you can be active and save the life of many people. Most people, I believe, would choose to be active. And you don't have to feel too bad about it either, because if you were the one guy whose life was in jeopardy, wouldn't you prefer to sacrifice yourself and save the others rather than save yourself and carry the guilt of knowing you could have prevented the bigger tragedy?

I think a belief in God helps with this dilemma, knowing that death is not the end. (And this scenario has also been used to analogize the need to sacrifice the Savior and thereby save mankind). Of course, the problem gets more difficult when you introduce additional factors. (What if the "one" was a young child and the other group was made up of a group of people who were going to die the next day?) And, of course, the decision is easier to make when it's just hypothetical.

While I believe there is value in being confronted with morally ambiguous questions at times, I recognize that not everyone will be comfortable watching characters on a screen tackling them.

Also, since Batman is based on comic books, people might be unprepared for the realistic and gritty feel of The Dark Knight.

Still, I am confident I will like the movie. And I think director Christopher Nolan and all of the actors and artists who worked on this film, including Heath Ledger, dedicated themselves to producing as polished a work as possible. I'll let you know after I see the movie on July 19 what my final feelings are on this particular issue and on the movie in general.

In the meantime, here's a less ambiguous question to chew on: When you end up with ten extra dollars after buying your friends tickets that cost less than you'd thought, do you pocket the difference and consider it payment for your efforts in buying the tickets in the first place? Or do you return the extra money?

-Bob

How I Bankrupted Steve and Barry's

Remember this?

I'm not taking full responsibility for Steve and Barry's filing for bankruptcy, but I'll take a lot of the credit. Call it even, Steph.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects IV



  • The only thing worse than t-shirts under jerseys are jersey t-shirts. Just by a real jersey, man.

  • I really don't like the implied martyrdom in the Elton Brand situation. People (including Brand himself) were talking about how he and Baron would have been two superstars finally getting their chance at a ring. Clearly this is all because of Boston last year, but it's ridiculous. Neither Brand nor Davis has been in the league long enough to be considered long-suffering. Neither Brand nor Davis has ever seemed particularly concerned with dying to win a championship. Neither Brand nor Davis have ever been big winners. These are just two pretty good players who could have played together. They aren't legendary players whose careers won't be complete without a championship. I blame this on Ray Allen.

  • I'm hoping Matt was referring to the playoffs when he said adding Josh Smith could make the Clippers contenders. That team is LIGHT YEARS away from competing for a championship. And probably quite a bit away from even winning a playoff series. Even with Smith helping to erase mistakes, their defense is going to be horrid.

  • Know this: Brandon Jennings WILL become a patron saint of FreeDarko.

  • Shanoff's suggestion/recommendation/whatever that Jennings spend his year off developing an intense training regimen is laughable for so many reasons. Shall we investigate why? Yes, we shall:

    a) Taking a year away from competive basketball is a bad idea. How then, will NBA scouts really know how to compare you? Even random European guys have footage of them playing other humans.
    b) Since Jennings and his staff would have to develop this regimen, it'll obviously be new. Why would an NBA team respect something that doesn't have a legacy behind it?
    c) No shoe company will give a player an endorsement deal if no one can see them play.
    d) Jennings wouldn't be able to play against elite competition since all the elite competition would be in season. Therefore, he's going to go A WHOLE YEAR without playing against anybody that'll really help him grow as a player.
    e) For how character-concerned NBA teams are, will a team look favorably on a guy who takes a year off from playing against elite players?

    Other than that, it's a great idea.

  • I made this comparison in FanHouse's liveblog today, but it needs to be seen again: Eric Gordon could end up like Fat Glen Rice, from his Lakers years. In fact, his ceiling is probably Glen Rice's best years.

  • I think this is abundantly obvious, but Beasley's new tattoos aren't a sign of Nationals fandom. They're a shout-out to his hometown. I've considered getting the Phillies P (which was my high school baseball team's logo) on my arm and I'm anti-Phillies. Same thing. Minus the millions of dollars, of course.

Kevin Garnett Intenses Summer Music Releases

Wolf Parade - At Mount Zoomer


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Beck - Modern Guilt
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Nas - Untitled

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Weezer - Weezer (The Red Album)

Did my wish come true?

So you might recall that I recently blogged about the ejection of Big Brother 9's Dennis McHugh and my fantasy about a sexy lesbian joining the group. And then this Friday, 3 new women came in.

However, it was pretty girl Sara Folino who came to my at
tention.

Some critics are saying that the lovely Australian Sara resembles Hollywood beauty Angelina Jolie. To be honest, I see where they're coming from, but Angelina is 100 times better looking in my opinion.

Anyway, what really
drew me to Sara - although I have come to realize that she is extremely annoying personality-wise - is that she claimed the other night to be 'bisexual.' When the lovely housemate and ex-actor Rachel Rice (below) questioned Sara about her sexuality, Sara replied 'I'm probably bisexual.' The word 'probably' gives me serious doubt about whether she is telling the truth however.

Then on today's British edition of 'The Daily Star', one article claimed that sexy Sara had made a pass at Rachel and they had enjoyed a harmless bit of flirting... Last night's show also showed Sara enjoying a swift kiss in the pool with Thai lady Kathreya Kasisopa (below.)

Well hopefully, Sara wasn't kidding when she confessed to liking women... I'll keep you updated anyhow.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Derrick Rose Wears a T-Shirt


I was chatting with Skeets yesterday when he casually dropped a bombshell:


Rose has done nada.
And more alarmingly -- he's playing in an undershirt.
Who does he think he is? Me!?!?!
Clearly this is cause for concern.

Only in summer leagues are players allowed to wear a full-sleeved t-shirt under their jerseys. Yeah, you’ll see quite a few Under Armor types of base layers during the regular season, but they’re otherwise forbidden. This is right and just. Full sleeves should be left to college guys and rec leagues.

As a devotee to the triviality of on-court style, I will not budge on this. You’re in the NBA, look like a basketball player and not some hopper on The Wire.

However, I suppose there may be some decent reasons for wearing an undershirt. Being fair, I’ve provided a few of those reasons:

- Shoulders were removed following a tragic half-pipe bicycle accident.
- You have shoulders, but you’re thin, man. Real thin.
- Increased resistance results in more speed when the shirt is removed.
- Grotesque burns on upper arms.
- Embarrassing tattoo of the lyrics to LFO’s hit “Summer Girls.”
- Typical men’s league jersey has extremely wide neck which causes the jersey to slip off your shoulders.
- To hide an abysmally small frame.
- To prevent chafing.
- You were the fat kid in grade school and have always worn a t-shirt during athletic activities, especially swimming.
- To protect other players from your small, dagger-like nipples.
- Obscene amounts of chest hair.
- You went to college with me, and also thought it was hilarious to have a guy on your NCAA March Madness 2005 team called "The Shirt."
- Played for a handful of Illinois high schools which have jerseys with sleeves and are therefore more comfortable in sleeves.
- Effectively hides the joints from your robotic arm implants.
- Rebellion against the tyranny of the NBA dress code.
- You’re my fiancée and you get cold easily, even when it isn’t actually cold. For instance, at a Borders.
- Suffer from night terrors where you show up to important events naked, therefore the more clothes, the better.
- You’re a never-nude and always wear a t-shirt..
- Have always dreamt of having wings.
- You’re J.E. Skeets.

Though I’m pretty sure I covered every possible scenario where a sleeved t-shirt is acceptable in the NBA, feel free to add some more in the comments.

Gracias, Matt y Skeets.

Monday, July 7, 2008

It's Hard Out Here for Pau Gasol


Sergio Ramos, Fernando Torres, and Rafael Nadal sit jubilantly around a table. A single chair is unoccupied.

Ramos: Veectree es muy bueno. I berry much like weening.

Nadal: Si, si. Sank you so berry much for invitings me aqui. El weeners table!

Torres: De nada, de nada. Rafa, you are true Spanish hero. Te amo.

Nadal: Gracias, Fernando y Sergio. Es un great honor to be here. Now, we discuss hair y headbands, yes?

Torres: Si!

Ramos: Si!

A door creaks open, a haggard and heavily bearded Pau Gasol enters the room and colapses in the vacant chair.

Gasol: Hola, senores.

Nadal: Que? What es Wizard Claws doing here?

Ramos: No sabe. Es no offen we ween, Rafa. Maybe Pau Gasol es confused.

Gasol: Senores, I am berry sorry. I do no mean interrup, but I halve no eat sense Juno. Good people of Espana, haf not been awhaleabull for me to halve food. Zo I halve no ween champonship, yo tengo mucho hambre.

Torres: Ohh, pobrecito. Pau Pau cannot halve food because Pau Pau cannot halve champeenship. falls to the ground, fake cries.

Nadal: Pobrecito!

Ramos: falls to the ground, fake cries.

Gasol: Senores, por favor. I halve not money for eeben una headband.

Nadal: No money por una headband?! Es un tragedy, si.

Ramos: Los Champions para Espana must remedy. Los Champions para Espana wheel remedy. Barkeep, por favor, bring thees bearded creature you finest sangria y headband.

Juan Carlos Navarro walks slowly to the table, hands Pau Gasol a glass of sangria, removes his headband and places it around Gasol’s mangled hair.

Navarro: Please, Pau, treat this well…and remember 2006. No one else will.

To be continued….

Friday, July 4, 2008

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is True

And here is my new blogimony (blog that is my testimony of the truth of these things): http://ldschurchistrue.blogspot.com/

My goal is to publish at least every other day. PLEASE pass this site around to anyone interested and feel free to link it on all your blogs! I want to get it out there so I can do my part to bear my testimony.

The Church is True. Amen to that. :)

Happy Day


I'm happy to report that I sucked it up yesterday and did my fifteen minutes of cleaning. Then I did lots more... and now my house is (relatively) clean. The best part is that Robert attacked our laundry pile while I did the kitchen and front room. It's such a motivator to me to have a partner in torture. Thanks, honey!
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Yes, it's 6:25 a.m. I actually woke up at 5:20 a.m. by poking Robert and urgently whispering: "HURRY HURRY GET ME SOME BREAD PLEASE HURRY!!!" Yeah, good old morning sickness. Luckily he's a fast bread getter so all was well.
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But then our cute not-so-little Bug woke up screaming, I thought because of the noise but later found out because Robert went in there after the bread incident, so I went in and put him back to bed. After that whole ordeal, I tossed for a half hour in bed and finally gave up. And here I am!!!

Happy 4th of July everyone. I love this country and I am sooooo grateful for it. I remember the first time I really appreciated being American; it was on my way to Ukraine, when I was fifteen. I was at an airport in I think Vienna (a layover), and the flight attendants were checking our passports (more like grilling our passports). Everyone in front of me endured a thorough, page-by-page inspection of passport, ID, ticket, everything. When it got to me, I held up my American passport to hand over. One glance at the American cover and they waved me through.
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I was absolutely shocked. I admit I didn't look very imposing, being fifteen, and yes, still a brace-face, but it totally took my breath away. Every check was the same. At other checks, I recall there being other young people like myself... who would get "the grill"... but I would always just receive a glance and be passed through.
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That experience made me appreciate the power and freedom of being from America. Times have definitely changed since then as far as airport security goes, but the fact remains that I am proud to be American, and I am grateful most especially for this country of freedom which allowed the gospel of Jesus Christ to be restored. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and that the Restoration happened here for a reason, because it is a consecrated, free land.
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Happy America Day all. May it be a good one!

(Where I'll be watching fireworks tonight... THE Mall. Yes, I am excited!)

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I Need a (FREE) Maid


Some quick facts about Jocelyn (which will not be surprising if you've ever lived with me, haha):

  1. I hate cleaning.
  2. I hate decluttering.
  3. Clutter follows me like flies to a flame.
  4. I am married to an equally bad clutterer and non-cleaner.
  5. I WANT A (FREE) MAID (who can declutter, organize, and clean, haha)!!!!!!
Seriously. I love the feeling I get when my house is CLEAN, but right now it literally looks like a bomb went off... clothes, toys, food, plates, papers (ahhh papers!!!)... everywhere!!! It seems like everyday I try to attack the clutter monster... and it just keeps biting back, harder and stronger.

(As you may guess, being nauseous doesn't help motivate me to clean. Yeah. I do love using my now-valid "I'm pregnant" excuse.)

Okay, enough whining. I'm going to set my timer for 15 minutes a la FlyLady and attack the dishes. Wish me luck.

TOTALLY RANDOM PS - I LOVE GOOGLE READER! If you don't use it, you should. It makes blog stalking SOOO much easier: http://www.google.com/reader/

The Sonics Are Dead, Long Live the Sonics

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Eric Gordon and Baron Davis Wear Fat Pants


Phone rings

Pete Serrano, equipment manager: Hello.

Elgin Baylor: Hey, Pete. It’s Elgin.

PS: Not too bad. Just finished up that knee sleeve that’ll cover Shaun’s scars. Those things are gross.

EB: Oh, excellent. That’ll help keep the fans in the seats. Anything we can do to not terribly horrify the fans is a win in my book. And we need wins, am I right?!

PS: We do need wins, that’s for sure. Anyway, what’s up?

EB: Well, we just drafted Eric Gordon. We’re going to need some massive shorts.

PS: Are you serious? Eric Gordon from Indiana?

EB: Yeah, that’s him.

PS: Geez, Elgin. I don’t know where I’m going to find shorts that big. I mean, yeah, you can find some big shorts, but they’ll come down to his ankles. I guess I can see if the Bulls still have the pattern to Khalid El-Amin’s shorts, but that’s going to be a shot in the dark.

EB: I would have suggested Priest Lauderdale, but you’d get the A-line skirt thing going on.

PS: How do you know about A-line skirts?


EB: Project Runway.

PS: Ooooh, great show. So, anything else I can do for you?

EB: Yeah, there’s one more thing. We just signed Baron Davis. He’ll need some big shorts too.

PS: You’re killing me!

EB: Hey, Donald’s actually spending. I’m not passing that up.

PS: You’re right. But this is going to kill our fabric budget. NBA mesh goes for 75 bucks a yard. Between Gordon and Baron, that’ll be, like, 900 dollars.

EB: Luckily Shaun’s really skinny. Just don’t skimp on Kaman’s shorts. That’s just wrong to even think about.

PS: Yeah, that makes my man parts hurt picturing it.

EB: …

PS: …so, um, I’ll get to work on those fat shorts.

EB: Thanks, Pete.

click

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Feeling PART 2

Here's the scenario. You're in college and it's finals week. You have a beast of a test or paper due in the morning and you pulled an all-nighter. It is 5 a.m. You ate 40 too many mini-Snickers in an attempt to keep yourself going. And you slept a total of 4 hours in the past three days.

What does that feeling spell???


PREGNANCY!!!



Yes, folks, I'm really bad at keeping my surprises, and I am pregnant (yay us). I admit, I can't speak for any other ladies on how pregnancy "feels" for them, but the description above was a final "AHA" moment in getting Robert to understand how it feels for me about 80% of the time (if not more). Basically, I feel dizzy, out of it, and slightly nauseous... as if you've been thinking too hard for too long, had little to no sleep, and eaten too much candy (enter the nausea) to try to keep yourself going. Yuck.

The end result is worth it, and I have proof. When I'm feeling especially low (HAPPILY I have not thrown-up yet... but I reached 45 times with Peter, so I'm sure this lucky streak will NOT continue), I look at an especially adorable picture of Peter I have on my coffee table that we took at Picture People. Seriously, how WORTH IT is he?!?!

The Feeling PART 1



Here's the scenario. You're in college and it's finals week. You have a beast of a test or paper due in the morning and you pulled an all-nighter. It is 5 a.m. You ate 40 too many mini-Snickers in an attempt to keep yourself going. And you slept a total of 4 hours in the past three days.



What does that feeling spell???