What?! A lesbian romance on prime time TV?!

You heard right, ladies. But I'm afraid if you're not living in the UK, it's bad news.

Network television soap Emmerdale recently announced that the relationship between Debbie Dingle (played by Charley Webb) and Jasmine Thomas (Jenna-Louise Coleman) is due to be rekindled in 2009. The couple previously shared a fling, (not off-screen, unfortunately) which ended - like many gay and lesbian storylines - because of the fact that the pair realized they 'weren't lesbians'.


No one can be certain whether the romance will last this time round, but if you live elsewhere, do not despair, I'm sure if the relationship really kicks off, there'll be one or two clips and fan videos on YouTube.

I was really pleased upon hearing this, not only because both girls are incredibly gorgeous, but also because there really is a lack of gay and lesbian characters on TV, especially on prime time. Yes, if you can't believe your ears, Emmerdale isn't even a cable show, it's always been prime time.

So if you can't contain your excitement, check back here to see whether anything ground-breaking happens between Debbie (below) and the lovely Jasmine.

Back Home

Christmas Eve in our new PJs (the only usable pic uploaded so far!)

Hello All,

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We're back home from Utah. It was sad to say goodbye... or I should say, it was sad for ROBERT and I to say goodbye. Peter was ecstatic to get back to his very own home, crib, toys, even car. I think he had had enough of the nomadic holiday lifestyle.
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Last night we got to our apartment after midnight from the airport and found a very clean apartment thanks to my angel/magical fairy visiting teachers!!! Isn't that the best gift ever? They asked me for my apartment key before I left (they wanted it to be a surprise, but they couldn't exactly break in, you know), so I suspected something would be coming. What I found... all the dishes done (there were a LOT), floors all vacuumed, kitchen and bathroom mopped (cleaner than they've ever been), bathroom cleaned, front room completely organized (my bookshelf, random papers, food), and Peter's room cleaned and organized. We are SOOOO grateful and I cannot even begin to express how happy it made me.

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When we went to Peter's very clean room to put him in his crib, he almost jumped out of Robert's arms for joy. We set him down for sleep and he was giggling and smiling... then went to sleep right away. Oh the simple joy of being in one's one bed. :)

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Sadly, today I skipped out on church because I ended up with the stomach flu this morning. I hate being sick on any day, but I guess Sundays are better than weekdays, because Robert took Peter away giving me an actual chance to rest (whereas on weekdays I just have to suck it up and take care of Peter while feeling terrible).

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Well this blog is rambly... and I don't have any pictures from our trip loaded yet (I didn't take many... I forgot!)... so I'll end it now. Our trip was wonderful and our Christmas was divine. We thank all our friends and family for their love and support! We are sooooo blessed! (-Jocelyn)

Hey, Pope! FUCK YOU!

Yeah you heard. I hate the Pope. This one anyway.

That's the current Pope residing in the Vatican Pope Benedict XVI if you were wondering.

But the reason I hate him? Well, he claims that 'saving heterosexuality' is more important than saving the rainforests, and I think that's enough reason really. The fabulous Pope last week described homosexuality as "a destruction of God's work."

The chief of the Lesbian and Gay Christian movement says "It is more the case that we need to be saved from his comments. It is comments like this that justify homophobic bullying that goes on in schools and it is comments like this that justify gay bashing." A pretty good point, if you ask me.

So there we have it: someone who is supposed to be all loving and caring still repels homosexuality. If someone who is looked up to so much as this is coming out with these anti-gay slurs, who says that everyone else won't follow?

Assholes.

P.s. Shout out to Nathan Foad because he's not an asshole and he loves my blogs. :)

Message to all gays: GO TO HELL!

This morning, as a Christian, I picked up my Bible to re-read the book of Corinthian. Now I know that the Bible isn't the most gay friendly book of all time, but the following extract made me briefly hate religion in its entirety.

"1 Corinthians 6:9,10,13
Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the Kingdom of God."

Now I'm not saying the Bible is wrong - maybe homosexuals are forbidden from going to heaven - but surely, if God is as 'all-giving' and as 'all-loving' as Christianity implies, shouldn't all people, no matter what their race or beliefs are, go to heaven?


Usually, I believe in everything the Bible says, but this extract made me question if I believed in this statement against homosexuals. Then I realized, maybe I do believe this phrase to be true. Maybe it's true that deceased homosexuals reside in hell, next to the murderers and rapists.

No, I'm turning against gay people and 'changing my lifestyle' to become a heterosexual, I'm simply stating that I would rather go to hell than betray myself and my fellow gay people. I'm saying now that I'd rather be gay and happy in my lifetime, and go to hell as a result, than be walking around pretending to be heterosexual and have an extremely unhappy life, just so that I can walk through the pearly gates.

If the Bible says I go to hell for being gay, then so be it. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am going to hell. I am going to hell for committing a 'crime' that doesn't even exist among Western culture. I am going to hell because I am not a liar and I am not in denial. I am gay and proud now, and I will continue to be when God asks me if I have sinned during my time on Earth.

So gays, go to hell. I'll see you there!

Top Lesbian News of 2008.

Firstly, I'm gonna say Happy Holidays to all you lovely ladies! Whether it's Christmas, Hanukkah or something else, I hope you have a good one!

As 2008 is drawing to a close, I was thinking about the best lesbian/bisexual news throughout the year. What would be in your list of top 5 lesbian headlines?

How about 'Portia becomes Mrs. DeGeneres?'


It's great when a lesbian couple are as mainstream as Ellen DeGeneres and wife Portia De Rossi, but when it is big news that an openly gay couple are getting married, it just makes me feel even more proud to be a raving homosexual.

Contrastingly, amongst your list of biggest gay headlines in 2008 may be the passing of proposition 8 in California; abolishing the rights of marriage to homosexual couples in one of America's biggest states.

However, the passing of this discriminative law is not all bad: it pushed actress and comedian Wanda Sykes to officially come out of the closet once and for all.

Since she came out, Wanda ensured the both gay and straight communities that she was 'proud to be a black woman, and proud to be gay.' Recently married in California whilst it was legal, Sykes hated the fact that her rights were being stripped away and she has given many inspirational speeches to gay audiences since.

Talking of being stripped away, take Grey's Anatomy. Yes, Grey's Anatomy, which frequently displays gay story-lines and even has a gay actor (T.R. Knight) among the cast, recently took away one of the shows best loved characters, Erica Hahn, without so much as a goodbye.

Brooke Smith (below left, with on-screen lover Sara Ramirez, who plays Callie Torres on the show) was fired from Grey's with no explanation, to many lesbians' disappointment. Some people even began petitioning for the return of the couple!

So what do you guys think? What has been the best - and worst - lesbian and bisexual news this year? And do you think next year will be just as action packed?

Snow!

We are in Utah, and as we happily anticipated -- we are surrounded by SNOW! Driving in it is always a pain, but still I LOVE snow and am so happy that this will be a "white" Christmas unless the weather REALLY heats up. Too bad I can't currently PLAY in the snow other than waddling from here to there. No skiing for me this year... oh well!

So far this trip has been very relaxing. We are mainly lounging around and making ourselves comfortable in my sister's home, with an occasional outing here and there. I think it's what we need (especially Robert after finals). And it's certainly nice on our already drained wallets (ahh, the joys of law school).

Sorry, don't have anything else to say really. We're loving Utah and are SO HAPPY to have a whole week (and a day) left. Yay! (-Jocelyn)

On Hiatus

Due to various life things, posting at the Blowtorch will be minimal if any at all for the next two and a half-ish weeks. I don't have the time to commit to joking about Tony Parker. Upon my return from the Caribbean sea, I will be back.

Peace be with you.

1000 Words: Dwight Howard TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE David Byrne

The Maloofs Should Stop Calling Terrence Howard

Okay, guys, this isn't funny anymore. I am not Eddie Jordan, so please stop calling.

Do you people really think all black people look alike? I've won awards. I'm a well respected actor. And let me repeat, I. AM NOT. EDDIE JORDAN.

Didn't you see Crash? It won an Oscar, and I was riveting as Cameron Thayer, a television producer who is the victim of racism. Seriously, that scene when I get pulled over after Thandie is getting busy was amazing. You could see me trying not to cry, right? Trust me, it was good. I was good.

Maybe Crash isn't your thing. Well, I was in Iron Man, too. Yeah, THAT Iron Man. The one that destroyed any other superhero movie ever. I was in that. It was just a supporting role, but if you don't think I didn't bring some serious gravitas to my role as Tony Stark's best friend, Col. James Rhodes, you're a filthy liar. I was even supposed to be the star of the next one, but sequels are for suckers. And Don Cheadle.

So to review; in Oscar winners, in record-breakers, not Eddie Jordan. So please stop calling me, Mr. and Mr. Maloof.

Judging by your incessant calling, I'm guessing you've seen Pride, where I star as Jim Ellis, a guy who starts an all Black swim team. The premise seems crazy, right? But I made those kids GOOD. So I guess I can see why you'd think I'd be a great coach. If you can get Black kids to swim, you can do anything.

Or was it Hustle and Flow? You probably liked how great I was in that. The Academy did. I was very inspirational. I'm sure you're thinking, "this pimp turned himself in to a rap star, surely he can turn our team around." That actually makes sense to me; I'm that good. I'm Terrence Howard for Heaven's sake.

But I'm not Eddie Jordan.

Oh, no. I just realized what happened. You saw Sunset Park, didn't you? That'll always haunt me. I toss and turn at night, thinking of how many times people call me Spaceman. It's embarrasing. A 27 year old man playing a high schooler, with that old, busted broad from Cheers and a kid who looks like Skee-Lo; stupid. Hey, I needed the money, okay? That doesn't mean I'm a basketball coach.

And that certainly doesn't mean I'm Eddie Jordan, so stop calling me.

Utah Here We Come!

Only 6 more hours until we're on our way to UTAH!!! We are SO beyond excited to be with our families (and to see lots of our friends)... and I am SO beyond excited to have Robert finals- and work-free!

Now.. back to frantically getting ready to leave. Wish us luck! Hahaha...

Tony Parker Apologizes

Oh, JoHAHN, Tonay Parcare ees a jus a keeedings weeth you. Ees like I make a ze joke for laugh and to laugh. Ees not a serious.

Sacre bleu, JoHAHN! I vreally do sink zat your widdle hairspray coach Scoot Brook lukes good. You know zat Tonay like-a the hairs spray. Tonay's wife LOVE-a ze hairs spray. Please forgives the Tonay. I-a don't mean for to hurt-a your feeling.

But about ze Scoot Brook, why he never let you make point JoHAHN? Does not Scoot Brook know zat ze French love-a to make point? And ze French love-a to pass ze ball. Luke at Borees. He only like-a to pass ze ball. Tell Scoot Brook zat JoHAHN need to pass-a ze ball.

Please forgives Tonay Parcare, JoHAHN. I make it up to you. Come weeth to my villa tonight, Johan. Tonay's wife Eefa vill be theres. Maybe she call her Ahmareekun friend Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher LOVE Tonay, so she love Johan too.

An Annotated Guide to How Sean May Disgusts Women

1. Shields eyes to avoid an accidental glimpse of underarm floppiness.
2. "Dad, this guy is SO fat."
3. Transfixed by jiggling back fat.
4. Refuses to look for fear of paralysis, vomiting, and temporary blindness.

The Differences Between Chris Mihm and Nick Collison

It's not unusual to confuse Nick Collison and Chris Mihm. They're both mostly irrelevant big white guys who share a passing resemblance to Adam Levine. Per request, here are their only differences, explained by handy chart:

The Blowtorch Presents ... Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Wherein:

• A new co-host is introduced.
• Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
• Trades are discussed.
• Eric Snow is addressed.
• Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
  

Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

The Potential Grizzlies/Wizards Trade Explained

Supposedly, the Grizzlies are considering trading Javaris Crittenton to the Wizards for a conditional draft pick that they used to have which was traded for Juan Carlos Navarro who is no longer in the NBA. If that sentence seems confusing, it's because it is. The trade and the sentence.

Luckily for the world, I've created this high quality, extremely detailed diorama of the paths that these players and draft pick has travelled since 2007.

THE GREAT WIZZLIE* SWAP

*Grizzard was considered, but rejected due to the additional confusion that may be caused by former Wizards swingman Rod Grizzard

Foiled Again

I thought I'd be able to trick Stephon Marbury with this letter, but he's a lot smarter than I thought.

Another Holiday Gift Idea

I like helping people. That's why, in my real life, I just walk around dispensing valuable advice to people less fortunate than me. I dispense such wisdom as "Hey, cheer up. Man," or, "I love it when you call me Big Poppa." Nuggets like these come easily to me, so I have to share the wealth.

It's for that reason, that I present to you a most excellent poster that you can give to friends and loved ones this holiday season:

Clicking on that picture will take you to a link where you can print out individual sheets that you can then assemble in to your very own James Jones/Skee-Lo inspirational poster. This is a great gift idea for anyone who likes James Jones, 90s one-hit wonder rappers, or laughing at jokes. Or, if that person is me, all three.

Plus, it's free. What can beat that?

I'm a celesbrity...

As I'm sure most of you know, 9 time tennis champion and out lesbian Martina Navratilova appeared on British reality show I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! this month. Here's Martina in her jungle attire:

For those of you who didn't know however, Martina overall came second in the celebrity competition, losing to British soap star Joe Swash, who claimed the crown as 'King of the Jungle.' I'm sure all you lovely ladies in England were voting for our hero Ms. Navratilova (or 'Nav', as I like to call her,) and it seems like your efforts paid off!

It was great seeing an out lesbian being so prominently broadcast on national television like Martina has been for the past few weeks; maybe American screenwriters should take the hint that putting a lesbian on your show will not lower your ratings. *Cough* Grey's Anatomy.

Anyway, well done to Nav. Here she is flying the flag for the gay community in an advert for Visa.

The Entirety of My NBA Holiday Gift Guide

For Derrick Rose:

The Milwaukee Bucks Aren't a Great Draw

I get it. The Bucks aren't a glamorous team. Their jerseys are boring. They're a bad team. Their players are terrifying.

I understand.

It's no surprise that they don't bring out the biggest stars in L.A. For instance:

A lower tier "starlet" and her Adam Levine/Brody Jenner imitation boyfriend. Or:A knock-off Harrison Ford type.

The Staples center is a place to be seen, and since no self-respecting celebrity is going to waste their precious time watching a basketball game, why should any real celebrity attend. That's why you get has-beens and never-will-be's at a Bucks game in November. That makes sense to me.

Apparently, it makes sense to Phil Jackson too. How else can you explain him playing a Yi Jianlian knock-off?

All that being said, nothing will justify this:

C'mon people. I thought we were past the socks and Birkenstocks. I guess it's true what they say: You can't kill hippies, no matter how hard you try.

(No hippies were harmed in the making of this joke.)

Greg Oden Feels Pretty

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty

That the city should give me its key.

A committee

Should be organized to honor me.

It Appears That Travis Diener is Happy About Beating the Lakers

Guys. Hey guys. GUYS! Isn't this the best thing in the world?! This is totally, flippin' cool, man. I'm pumped. This is just so much fun. I mean, we WON. WE beat the Lakers. It was such a team effort. I just did what I could to help us win. This is so exciting. Oh, I could just dance all night! I mean, I know we've won before, but we totally won against the Lakers. That makes us the best team in the league, right? Right?

Oh wow. I'm so excited, I have to pee.

Robin and Brook Lopez Play Basketball Against Each Other

Robin: DUDE, let's mess with these guys. Like back when we used to tell Mom that I was you and she'd be all, "Brook stop eating Cheerios off the floor. And stop licking the walls!" She was SO mad. We've got to do something, exactly like that. It'll be AMAZING!

Brook: Oh, no doubt, bro. What are we gonna do? I mean, I'd love some Cheerios but we're supposed to look busy.

Robin: Dude, that sucks. Plus we're wearing different colors and my hair is, like, way sweeter than yours right now. There's gotta be something though.

Brook: Dude. I got it. On three, we're going to stare at Kevin Harris the exact same way. He will FREAK. OUT. Guaranteed.

Robin: Sometimes, I'm amazed at how smart you are. My mind gets, like, totally exploded, bro. On three.

One. Two. Three.

Brook: HOLY COW. He is totally freaking out. I can't believe he's still standing up. Ohmygosh, this is the BEST THING EVER!!!!

Robin: Seriously.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: For realsies.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: This is SO sweet. Let me ask you a SERIOUS question. Do you want to try it again?

Brook: Dude, we HAVE to. It'll be, like, even awesomer.

Robin: I have the best idea. On three, lean against me and look up. BUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN.

Brook: That is PERFECT!

Robin: One. Two. Three!

Brook: DUDE, we're doing it! We are LEVITATING AGAINST EACH OTHER! It feels so strange!

Robin: We are the best people ever right now. I love you so much. As a brother.

Brook: Okay. You almost freaked me out a little bit. I could do this forever.

Robin: We totally just discovered how to hover. We disc-hovered it! DUDE! Disc-HOVERED!

Brook: I KNEW Stanford was a smart school.

An Exclusive Holiday Offer

This is something that I mentioned on Twitter a while back. If you send me one US dollar via PayPal, I will draw a picture of what I'd guess you probably look like, based solely on a guess. This picture will be done in either marker or colored pencil (YOU CHOOSE). It will then be sent as both a hard copy and a JPEG to the addresses of your choice.

The first one, for friend of the blog Devine, turned out great. If you're interested, let me know in the comments and we'll figure it out.

The Annotated Derrick Rose Timeline

Since it's now December, and Christmas is fast approaching, I feel it's prudent to examine the origins of Chicago's basketball savior, Derrick Rose. Below is a timeline, along with some important information with regards to the dates that are shown. Study this, for it will be important for years to come.

• October 4th, 1988 - Derrick Rose is born in Chicago of Illinois, in the days of Sawyer the mayor. His unwed mother, Brenda, was foretold of the birth and was instructed to name the boy "Derrick."
• 1988-2005 - Little is known about the childhood and adolescent years of Derrick Rose. However, it is common knowledge that during this time, Rose was given his nickname "Pooh" by his grandmother. Furthermore, in 2006 and 2007, Rose lead Simeon High School to consecutive Illinois high school championships, becoming a hero in the city.
• November 5, 2007 - Rose scores 17 points in his collegiate debut, a win over the University of Tennessee-Martin. This seemingly innocuous event would portend the success that Rose would soon enjoy, as he lead the Tigers over number 5 Georgetown University a little over a month later.
• April 7, 2008 - After an outstanding performance in the NCAA tournament, Rose's Memphis Tigers lose in the National Championship game to the Jayhawks of Kansas. Though spectacular in the loss, Rose is seen as a microcosm of the Tigers' faults as he misses freethrows down the stretch. However, as Rose is not wholly to blame for the loss, he is seen as a beacon of hope for basketball fans around the globe.
• June 23, 2008 - The Chicago Bulls leapfrog eight spots to the number one overall selection in the draft, positioning themselves to select Derrick Rose. Rose's return to Chicago serves as his anointing to angry basketball fans of the city. Upon arriving at the Bulls training facility, the entire contents of an alabastron are emptied upon his head, nearly ruining the contract that he has just signed.
• October 28, 2008 - Rose plays in his first game as a Chicago Bull, forgiving the many sins of the team (Eddie Robinson, Ben Wallace, Tim Floyd). Soon after this historic event, the lame are healed, blind men see, and lepers such as Grant Hill become perfectly healthy.

This post shall serve as a historical document; one that will forever tell the story of how Derrick Rose became a symbol for hope and goodness in the city of Chicago. While heretics will persecute the believers, let it be known that Derrick Rose is real and that he is the way. No man can be perfect, but through faith in Derrick Rose, we can strive to be.

Happy Late Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving (heading out the door on our way to Thanksgiving dinner)!

Hello Everybody! And HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! Ours was a super yummy one, thanks to our great cousins Cori and Jace and extended fam (and to John's stuffing... which I actually made and brought; turned out GREAT).

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Seriously... I think I am in denial about how soon this baby is coming! I had a wake-up call the other day as I went to the doctor's office and had a VBAC consult. After all the warnings which he's required to run down with me, I had to sign a form saying I'm doing it anyway... so the doctor asks me which hospital I'm delivering at. Simple question, supposedly. Yeah, right! I hadn't even THOUGHT about it. How ridiculous is that? I had the hospital picked and was all registered by like 2 months with Peter... not so much now.

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So now I'm realizing... oh, I should probably register for the hospital and start getting a place ready for the baby (still need to get a bassinet and a double stroller and maybe a few other perks, but mostly, this kid is getting hand-me-down-heaven). Less than three months now until the due date (February 26) so I guess I really need to start pulling it together!

Speaking of efficiency... I FINALLY uploaded pics from Halloween, visits to the local pumpkin patch, and a token shot from Thanskgiving... so I will share. Yay for all of you!

Well, wish me luck attempting to get my baby prep together (starting with my house, haha; oh how I am SO JEALOUS of those of you who seem to so seemlessly and naturally keep an organized home; you know who you are). Have a great weekend! (-Jocelyn)

Peter (Superman) and his friend Emily (fairy). So cute!

Robert (Clark Kent) and his "other side" Superman.

Jocelyn (Lois Lane), Clark Kent, and Superman.

Pink's Not Dead...

Pop singer P!nk (real name Alicia Moore) has always been a fan of the gay community. And I thank god that she's bisexual almost every day. (No joke.)

Putting her bisexuality aside, P!nk is sexy, talented and beautiful. Her debut album 'Can't Take Me Home' sold over 1.1 million copies worldwide, and her latest album 'Funhouse' is sure to do just as well. Her catchy single 'So What' was number one in the music charts in the UK for several weeks, proving to fans that she still had what it takes.

What makes me write this blog about Ms. Moore (who has also starred in lesbian magazine DIVA twice in the past 2 years) is how hot her new video is. The album for 'Sober' sees P!nk making out with another gorgeous girl. That gorgeous girl being herself, of course. Now I don't know if P!nk's just implying that she loves masturbation or that she just loves herself, but hey, if I looked like P!nk, I'd sure as hell kiss my doppleganger in a heart beat.

Watch the video here:

Quick Little Bits of Knowledge

• There will be no Blowtorch Presents this week, since it's Thanksgiving. But don't worry, next week will make up for it. There's going to be a new second banana that's not actually a banana. I'm quite excited.
• Not sure if there will be anything happening here Thursday or Friday. I'd say it's a 50/50 proposition.
• Lastly, enjoy not sleeping again. Ever:

5 down, 1 to go...

***WARNING, MAY CONTAIN SOME SPOILERS.***

So I seem to be the only gay in the world that's excited about The L Word's final season. (Except maybe for my friend, Rosie.)



Everyone's been negative about the whole 'CSI' theme the show has seemed to steer onto this season. Rumor has it (look away now if you don't want to know) that some gets killed and someone goes to prison.

There are rumors also circulating about who the victim is, and who will take the fall for the murder. As I previously blogged, Alice (played by the lovely Leisha Hailey) has been reported to be starring in a spin-off of the show, so most people are guessing it's not her. Who knows; there's always room for ghosts on The L Word.

Here's a promo to keep your excitement contained... Or is that really just me?

Choose Your Own Adventure

SO MANY great options for a caption to this picture that I can't just pick one. Ergo, here's a few choices:

a) This picture would be so much cooler in the year 2000.

b) Ranking levels of irrelevance from left to right.

c) Behind the scenes action from the recent Excessively Groomed Facial Hair Quarterly cover shoot.

d) Drew Gooden + Larry Hughes = Common

e) Provide your own.

For Your Reference: Basketball Nicknames

Wikipedia is a glorious and entirely accurate resource. For Your Reference highlights the best parts of this completely true learning tool. The picture will come from searching for the Wikipedia term in question.First up, the List of Nicknames Used in Basketball.

The List of Nicknames Used in Basketball is quite handy. Perhaps you'd like to buff up on some of the seemingly forgotten AKAs for your favorite players. Maybe you're curious about what people actually called Donyell Marshall. More likely, however, you like laughing and smiling. Those are the best.

I find it most advantageous to break this plethora of sobriquets in to categories to keep them organized. Please note that all the nicknames are taken verbatim from Wikipedia.

Nicknames No One Has Ever Actually Used

• Air Zaire - Dikembe Mutumbo
• Apollo 33 - Jamario Moon
• Big Snacks - Jerome James
• The Blonde Bomber - Dirk Nowitzki
• The Boston Celtic Mascot - Brian Scalabrine
• Boshinator - Chris Bosh
• Flop - Manu Ginobili
• Go Go Gadget Arms - Kevin Garnett
• Ko Ditty Ko - Kobe Bryant
• Mr. Perfect - Jeff Green
• The Money Man - Mehmet Okur
• Nickel - Anfernee Hardaway
• PG2010 - Pau Gasol
• The Riddler - Zydrunas Ilgauskas
• Troy Toy - Troy Murphy

Nicknames Where the Definition is Better Than the Actual Nickname

• Baby Gramps - Greg Oden ("He is a remarkably old looking young man.")
• Baby Shaq - Sofoklis Schortscanitis ("From his alleged resemblance to Shaquille O'Neal, plus he is slightly smaller in size than O'Neal.")
• The Beast - Patrick Ewing ("Due to his appearance.")
• Buffet of Goodness - Channing Frye ("He has described himself as a buffet of goodness because of his all around skills.")
• DaWhite Howard - David Lee ("Reference to him being a white player, and his similar penchant for snarring rebounds ala rebound king Dwight Howard.")
• Hot Plate - John Sam Williams ("Normally referred to as simply John Williams; nickname from his large girth, and to distinguish him from John "Hot Rod" Williams. Both of these John Williams's entered the NBA in 1986 from colleges in Louisiana ("Hot Plate" from LSU, "Hot Rod" from Tulane). ")
• The Italian Stallion - Andrea Bargnani ("Italian translation – 'The Magician'")
• Memo Man - Ramon Sessions ("Because of the career highs he sets every game.")
• The Rain Man - Ray Allen ("His shots always drip, like rain.")
• The 'Stache - Adam Morrison ("For his much-scrutinized mustache.")

Nicknames I Wish I Knew Existed Earlier

• Big Red - Arvydas Sabonis
• Buc the World - Greg Buckner
• Captain Crunch - Jalen Rose
• Earl the Squirrel - Earl Boykins
• Garbage Man - Michael Bradley
• Grits n Gravy - Ricky Davis
• Hungry Hungry Hilton - Hilton Armstrong
• The Rash - Bruce Bowen
• Mongoose Quick Rick - Ricky Davis
• Ghostface - Joel Pryzbilla

Nicknames Created by the Internet

• Agent Zero - Gilbert Arenas
• Kid Delicious - Kevin Durant
• The Armadillo Cowboy - Joe Johnson
• The Poo God - Manu Ginobili
• Timmy Deucecan - Tim Duncan
• The Medicine Man - Chris Quinn

There's a whole lot of goodness over there, have a look and chime in with your favorites.

I've Made a Huge Mistake - Week 3

Mike D’Antoni
- Things were going so well for Pringles. He’s got the Knicks playing over their heads. The team is entertaining. People are starting to forget about the Isiah Thomas Era (NEVER FORGET). Then Donnie Walsh realizes that he’s got some decent players who make lots of money. Money that could be better used on the best player in basketball. Trades were made, money was saved, and now the Madison Square Mustache is left with a team that features Wilson Chandler and Chris Duhon. Plus he has to coach Tim Thomas. Plus he probably has to play Eddy Curry now. Plus Stephon Marbury will keep bugging him about playing time. Plus he could be coaching Derrick Rose. Not the best week for Mike D’Antoni.

Detroit Pistons
- Though the Pistons were the first team to knock off the Lakers, this week made it more apparent that the team is currently not a serious title contender. Losses to the Suns and Celtics proved the Pistons to be out of sorts and have highlighted Michael Curry’s limitations as a coach. It’s hard enough to deal with Rasheed Wallace, but adding AI to the mix can’t help, especially for a first time coach. Of course, it would help if Curry could design a play every once in a while.

Washington Wizards
- The Wizards went 0-4 this past week. They currently rank 24th in offensive efficiency and 28th in defense. Their star player (who hasn’t been 100% since 2007) is saying that he’s okay with rooting for a high lottery pick. Their lone bright spot is a rookie who has averaged 8 points and 5 rebounds a game. They continue to employ Eddie Jordan. The Wizards are not good. On the plus side, at least Gilbert mentioned Kerry Kittles in the foreword to the FreeDarko book.

Ricky Davis
- If Ricky Davis isn’t giving you scoring, he’s not giving you much. In 4 games last week, Ricky scored a combined 9 points on a combined 23 shots. However, he did lead the Clippers to their lone win of the week, by going 0-5 with 0 points. Of course, he’s now their starting two guard after the trade of Cuttino Mobley.

Andres Nocioni
- A thirty percent success rate in major league baseball is phenomenal. In the NBA, it’s Andres Nocioni. And it’s not good. But still, Nocioni shoots, and still, Vinny Del Negro plays him heavy minutes. But hey, he hustles, right?

Great Successes in NBA Basketballing - Week 3

Greg Oden
- Not only did Greg Oden make it through another week in the NBA without being injured, he’s also started playing some basketball. He followed a 22 point, 10 rebound victory against the Warriors with a second double-double the next night against the Bulls. Sure, he didn’t really do much against the Kings or Suns, but it’s just nice seeing him on the court. Well, it’s good that he’s playing. He’s still pretty terrifying to actually look at.

Dwyane Wade
- For the week, D-Wade averaged 31 points, 9 assists, 4 rebounds, 2 steals, and 3 blocks. Averaged. For a week. Dwyane Wade is in another stratosphere right now. There were some doubts that his Olympic showing was simply a matter of playing with superior teammates, but he’s proven that completely false. The Heat are playing pretty decent ball so far this season, and Dwyane Wade is the catalyst.

Donnie Walsh
- Just like the Heat, the Knicks are overachieving to start the season. That being said, head honcho Donnie Walsh realizes that this team is playing for a more important prize: LeBron James. Over the weekend, Walsh rid himself of $27.5 million in an obvious power play for the services of James in 2010. With the Nets stadium in limbo, the Knicks become that much more attractive to the league’s biggest star. Walsh has put himself in the running while not completely jeopardizing the progress that Mike D’Antoni has made this year.

Stephon Marbury
- While still 4th on the Knicks depth chart behind such luminaries as Anthony Roberson and Cuttino Mobley, anytime a guard leaves the Knicks, Starbury comes that much closer to the court. It’s not likely that Steph will ever see the court, but maybe he can get some practice time. He’s got fresh legs!

Jamal Crawford
- If ever there were a player destined to play for Don Nelson it was Dirk Nowitzki. But if there were ever a second player destined to play for Don Nelson it was Baron Davis. Somewhere down the line, thought, Jamal Crawford was made for Nellieball. Traded in the midst of his best season while in Mike D’Antoni’s freewheeling offense, Crawford goes to the only place more freewheelinger, the Dubs. His defensive gambling will be embraced, his skinny frame will be exalted, and his lack of conscious will be totally normal.

Marko Jaric
- A quick Wikipedia search confirms that he’s still engaged to Adriana Lima. There remains no bigger stud in the NBA than Marko Jaric.

The Monkey Is In The Basketball!

Why wouldn't it be?



Note: this is an actual show on an actual network.

via Videogum

Stephon Marbury Reacts to the Trade of Jamal Crawford

Ey yo Mike MIKE HEY MIKE is Steph aka the Motherland aka Stephonious aka Stereophonics on the ones and twos aka Peace to Bambaataa you know I hear we traded Jameer Crawfish or whateva and Ima just lettin you know that Stephybaby is ready baby I been workin this game HARD this year mustache you don't even know I been down in the streets gettin this game right like a Republican and Im lookin tight yo no homo but my game is killin right now jus the otha day I put up 35 on fifteen a fitty shooting thats nice mustache but then like I also been watchin Knicks games and know you want us shootin in seven seconds which is NOT a problem trust me so now that we got rid a that Crawster dude Steph ready to play point again the fat dude on the bench is buggin out yo get me away from him but I promise Ill pass to the new wrinkle head cat if he wide open or somethin itll be off the hook son holla.

The Blowtorch Presents ... The True Story of Anthony Morrow

Play The Blowtorch Presents...The True Story of Anthony Morrow

Wherein:

• THE TRUE STORY OF ANTHONY MORROW IS REVEALED!
• Music from Q-Tip.

Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

Mike D'Antoni's Having Sympathy Pains

Oh, my back hurts because I'm sooooo sexy. Want to comb my mustache?

First, it was Danilo Gallinari:

Rookie Danilo Gallinari did not travel with the KnicksNew York Knicks on their two-game road trip, staying behind to have a battery of tests on his back to rule out possible surgery, according to a team source.

The source said an MRI will be among the tests performed on the 20-year-old, who has suffered from a bulging disc since mid-July. The pain level in the Italian Stallion's lower back and leg increased the past few days, causing growing concern among the team's medical staff that new treatment may be needed for the 6-foot-10 forward from Milan, who was selected sixth overall in this year's draft.

Now, it's Mike D'Antoni:

If Mike D’Antoni is a few degrees shy of upright and grimacing, it is not because he is feeling the strain of coaching the Knicks. It is because his lower back is killing him.

D’Antoni has been dealing with debilitating back pain for more than a week. It became so bad last Friday he thought he might miss the Knicks’ home game against Oklahoma City.

I've heard of protecting your young players from the media, but this is ludicrous. Just because D'Antoni is friends with Gallinari's dad doesn't mean he should be faking injuries to make his son more comfortable. And that's obviously what's happening.

ALTERNATE ENDING

Oh, you Italians with your weak backs and womanizing ways. That's what you get for stealing our women and trying to make mustache's cool.