Sunday, February 7, 2010

Wimpy Me

Warning: This is going to be a "gush" post. Feel free to skip. It may get nauseatingly self-analytical.

As Robert's graduation from law school approaches (AWESOME), I have been thinking more and more about moving... specifically, to Utah. We are, at this point, 98% sure we are going to Utah... unless something else pans out in the next few weeks... since Robert's bar application is due in March, and it is state-specific. (So he's applying to Utah.)

Robert is beyond thrilled to be moving back near all our friends and family; it has always been his desire to go back to Utah after our "venture" to DC, and he can't stop talking about how fun it will be for our kids especially to be near cousins and such.

I LOVE my family and friends in Utah, and miss them, but I must admit, I am a wimp! I am scared! Due to severe depression (intensified post-partum), I do not have happy memories when I think of my day-to-day life in Utah right before law school. Most days, I didn't leave my house at all, or call anyone, or do anything. And I do NOT want to be in that "place" psychologically/physically/emotionally/spiritually EVER again if I can avoid it.

I recognize that I was severely depressed, so everything then was distorted by my perceptions, but I have this lingering fear that if I move back to Utah, it will be the same. I will be in my hole, unable to reach out for help.

In our home now, I have an amazing support group, created from friends who are like family. They have got me through rougher times than they even know... times in my life when I was forced to seek help from others, to ask for people to watch my kids or talk to me or whatever. (Something I never before did; I before did not like to be the helped, only the helper... oh how THAT has changed!!!)

Example: my house has been cleaned for me by friends here five times. FIVE TIMES. Seriously. One time, my visiting teachers cleaned my entire house as a Christmas present when I was in Utah. Three other times, friends were babysitting at my place and cleaned up (totally unexpected, but LOVED)... and the other time, a dear friend worked beside me to get everything in place (a week ago, haha). Okay, there's probably more than five times now that I think of it. How crazy is that?!? Organization is SO not my strong point, and it is the first thing to go when I am attacked by stress (1. organization; 2. my mind, hahaha)...

I'm afraid if I go to Utah, I won't find that. (By "that" I don't mean kindly people who will clean my house, necessarily :)... I mean the general bond and spirit of charity and service I have felt here.) Wow, this sounds selfish. I hope I've been able to serve my friends here as much as they've served me, because I really have been soooooo blessed by them. And I hope to BE as good of a friend to friends and family we already have in Utah (assuming we're moving there) and friends we are yet to meet... but I guess it's hard to think of starting over, when this area, the DC area, really feels more like home than anywhere else. I really feel like I have grown so much here; I have learned so much; and my family has certainly been solidified through being here.

Daaah! If you have made it to this point, I am sorry for the schpeal. It feels good to get it off my chest.

If you are family and friends in Utah... please don't take offense! I LOVE YOU and am excited to be near you. But I admit, I am also scared of a repeat experience, and of feeling alone (even though I know I certainly WON'T be; and I wasn't before either... but I shut MYSELF off, so no one could or even knew to help me).

Enough of that!

Back to playing games with my husband... (Oh THAT is something I dearly miss... playing games regularly with a group...)

No comments:

Post a Comment