Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Take the Erik Spoelstra Green Screen Challenge!

Here's another Media Day delight. Erik Spoelstra, the new Heat coach, was photographed by himself. Ergo, THE ERIK SPOELSTRA GREEN SCREEN CHALLENGE!
Here's a template:

And here are my submissions.

"Conscience"
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"The Temp"
Send your submissions to theblowtorch AT gmail. Best one wins a case of fine linens.

Monday, September 29, 2008

1000 Words: Bill Baptist Hates the New Orleans Hornets

The NBA's Media Day is one of my favorite off-season happenings in this beautiful league. Not only do you get unwarranted optimism and occasional lunacy, you also get some of the most hilarious pictures ever. These are the sort of pictures that last a lifetime; that bloggers will post and re-post, just because their absurdity is unbelievable.

Fortunately for us bloggers, Getty photographer Bill Baptist holds some kind of grudge against the New Orleans Hornets. Maybe he's a big Deron Williams fan. Maybe he used to live in Charlotte and can't stand the sight of the Fleur-De-Bee. Maybe he doesn't like the new uniforms just as much as I don't. Whatever it is, the pictures that the Hornets had taken are amazing.

The following vignette showcases what must be Baptist's signature pose -- the Basketball Shoulders. Surely these are some of the most ridiculous images to be captured on film. The Blowtorch salutes you, Bill Baptist. Well done.






Friday, September 26, 2008

The Raptors Model Their New Jerseys



Jose Calderon: Hello! My name is Jose. I like to wear jerseys. Today, I have an American friend in the studio with me. I met him at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. Do you want to meet him? Do you? Do you? Okay, his name is Chris Bosh and he's ever so friendly.

Chris Bosh: Yo, how you doin'?

JC: My dad works for a big Spanish company and might be getting into business with his dad.

CB: My old man's in construction.

JC: Vinnie, didn't you think that our new jerseys are ever so fun?

CB: They don't suck.

JC: I love our new jerseys. I want to wear they all day long.

Were you looking at my bum? Bum-lookers, cheeky monkeys, all of you! Don't look.

CB: HEY! Were you lookin' at my booty? Don't look at my booty! Booty-looker!

[To Jose]
They was lookin' at my booty!

JC: Don't let 'em. Don't let 'em. Don't.

CB: Speakin' of booties, I just made a fart.

JC: I thought it just got warmer in here. Cheeky monkey!

My daddy says that Americans and Spanish people are seperated by a disagreement on facial hair.

CB: All's I know is that my dad could take your dad.

JC: That's probably true because, sadly, my dad doesn't carry firearms. Did it just get warmer in here again?

CB: Maybe.

JC: Cheeky monkey!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Monta Ellis Crashes His Moped


I am SO EXCITED to be SHOPPING today! What a FABOULOUS day for SHOPPING and my Vespa. I just love Vessy. She's my baby.

First things first, I MUST have that new blazer from Louis. Oh, that blazer is to die for. I saw Kanye wearing it and knew I HAD to get it. That Kanye, so fierce!

Well, now that I've got my GORGEOUS blazer, I guess I'll need to pair it with some trousers. I haven't seen ANY good trousers lately. UGH, this selection is dismal. I better head to Gucci. They're trousers look AMAZING on me.

(places Louis Vuitton blazer on back of Vespa)

Oh my word! I've never seen so many interesting pants! I need these in my life. All of these. Give me EVERY pair! Every one! Loves it!

OK. Blazer? Check. Pants? Check, check, check! What a great pants find. My goodness. Still need shirts, ties, and shoes though. I've got to look SPECTACULAR this season. To Burberry!

(places three pairs of pants on back of Vespa)

Burberry, you never disappoint me. Never. Looks like Montigallo is going to be spending a little bit of money here today! I'll take the gingham, tartan, light stripe, heavy stripe, grey banker, and that beautiful little King George plaid. Those are AMAZING. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. Baron is going to be sorry he left.

AND HOW CAN I PASS UP THIS CROPPED TRENCH? Too hott!

(places 6 shirts and trenchcoat on back of Vespa and leaves for Prada, the Vespa wobbles)

Last but certainly not least, SHOES! Monta loves him some shoes. I've seen those new Prada driving mocs and they are out of this world. If they have my size, I'm getting them in every color. It's so good to have money!

Lemme see. Dark chocolate, camel, BLUE SUEDE!, these are FANTASTIC. And those light brown Chelsea boots? Yes, please! Oh, Monta, you're going to look phenomenal.

(places 4 pairs of shoes on back of Vespa, the Vespa sways back and forth as Monta leaves for home)

SINCE WHEN IS THERE A PINKBERRY HERE? LOVES IT, LOVES IT, LOVES IT!!!!!

(Monta purchases a large Pinkberry frozen yogurt and hops on his off-balance Vespa)

This yogurt is SO GOOD. I cannot believe this was made by humans. AMAZING.

(the Vespa swerves back and forth while Monta eats his yogurt)

Whew, Monta. Gotta take it slooooow and enjoy this yogurt. I could die now and be happy. Pinkberry, I love you.

(as the Vespa slows, it finally loses balance destroying Monta's ankle while his Pinkberry ruins the majority of his new clothing)

Oh, no. MY PINKBERRY!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects: The Orlando Magic New Uniforms Edition

The Magic have new jerseys this year, as they seem to do every 3 years or so. One of their promotional pictures is shown below. My thoughts follow.

From left to right:

  • Jersey basketballs rank near jersey t-shirts on the level of horrible NBA branded merchandise.
  • Is this the first time Bo Outlaw has ever smiled?
  • The starry Magic jerseys of yore are among the worst jerseys in the past 10 years. Also included are the yellow, pin-striped Pacers jerseys, the pin-striped Rockets jerseys, the red Nets alternates, the gold Kings alternates, the silver Mavericks alternates, and the wide-shouldered black Bulls alternates.
  • The new Magic jerseys are pretty nice. While I'm not a fan of that color of blue (too blase), it's a solid colorway. The only real problem I have with the jersey is that the pin-stripes fan out near the top. That's pointless.
  • Rashard Lewis has the clap.
  • WE FOUND NICK ANDERSON! HE'S BEEN AT MONGOLIAN BARBEQUE THIS WHOLE TIME!
  • Seriously, who switched Nick Anderson with Chuck Person?
  • The black, pin-striped Magic jerseys are the best they've ever had. It's a known fact that I am in the bag for Penny's shoes, but those jerseys are great too.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Gilbert Arenas's Engagement Story


When Gilbert got engaged, he was a little nervous. Sure, he knew Laura would say yes, but he'd never asked anyone to marry him before. He'd spent quite a bit of money on his lady's ring, and wanted her to like it. No, he wanted her to love it.

Laura had been pestering him for months to take her to the local state park. However, their schedules hadn't been able to find them any sort of time to get out to the park. Knee surgery is time-consuming! Finally, Gil took Laura to the park.

As Gil and Laura walked throughout the park, Gil made sure to keep the ring hidden. He'd keep his hand in his pocket or try to keep Laura on the opposide side of the ring box. Thankfully, a chill was in the air, so this wasn't a particularly unusual behavior.

When Gil and Laura finally made their way to Lover's Leap, Gil knew it was time. Surprisingly, most of the other patrons passed by, leaving Gil and Laura alone on a bench. While Gil and Laura sat side-by-side, Gil dropped to a knee, opened his ring box, and said, "Laura, I love you, will you marry me?"

"SHUT UP!" Laura replied, "Are you serious?"

"Uhhh...yeah. This is your ring," Gil stammered.

"Well, DUH I'll marry you!" Laura exclaimed.

Laura and Gil then kissed. Though it wasn't the smoothest transaction, Gil knew that Laura was exactly what he wanted, someone just as silly as him.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Salim Stoudamire's First Press Conference


Hi, guys. As you probably already know, I've been acquired by the Spurs. I just wanted to take my time to introduce myself to the people of San Antonio and my teammates.

The first thing I want to say is, I'm open. All the time. I'm open right now, in fact. Even though sometimes it might look like I'm guarded, trust me -- I'm open.

I don't know how it always happens, but for whatever reason, I'm always open. I wake up in the morning -- open. I get up in the middle of the night to pee -- open. I'm driving down the block with my Low End Theory tape in -- open. So basically, just get me the rock.

This brings me to my second point. My shooting range is unfathomable. Whenever I touch the ball, the shot is something I'm comfortable with. For instance, one time at Atlanta last year, I was on the bench, but we were shooting at the other basket. A ball got tipped out of bounds and I caught it. Even though I was on the bench, on the other side of the floor, I could have hit that shot. Of course, I was open.

Remember those shirts in the Eastbay catalogs from like 10 years ago? The ones that said something like "my range starts when I enter the gym" or something like that? I bought every single one of those shirts in both colors. You know why? Because it's true. Kind of. My range starts when I see a basketball hoop anywhere. That's my shot. No worries.

In closing, I'd like to thank the people of San Antonio for welcoming me to your fine state. I'd also like to remind you that I'm open.

Thank you.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Megan Fox is hot for the ladies.

So clearly all lesbians (the sane ones anyway) think Megan Fox - star of Transformers - is hot.

As unreliable as British press is these days, Megan has been reported as being bisexual in this weekend's newspaper News Of The World. Being one victim of false-belief brought by the British newspaper, I decided to research this idea further on the Internet.

Apparently, (to my delight) the rumors about Ms. Fox are true. She's actually been quoted telling various sources that her ultimate woman would be Angelina Jolie or Olivia Wilde (pictured below), star of The OC and House. Both women are favorites of many lesbians.

Megan has been quoted saying "I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl. I think that all humans were born with the ability the be attracted to both sexes." Amen to that! My prayers have been answered. Now I'm just waiting for the day when LA Ink's Kat Von D confesses her undying love to me.
So please join me to take just 2 seconds to create a mental image of Megan & Olivia in a passionate lip lock...


Okay I'm done.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Lindsay Ronson?

So seeing as this is a lesbian blog, I thought it was about time I posted one about Lindsay Lohan, seeing as everyone seems to be talking about her these days.


Baby faced Lindsay (above) has had quite an eventful life already at the age of 22. She dealt with drugs, all-night partying, constantly being followed by the paparazzi... And obviously now there's the rumor that Lohan is in fact a queer lady.

As most of you know, Lindsay has been said to be dating Brit sensation Mark Ronson's younger sister Samantha. Samantha - a clear favorite within the lesbian community - is loved for her DJing and, of course, the fact that she is out and proud. Following these accusations, both Lindsay and Sam have posted various blogs on their MySpace pages about how they are very special to each other and have blasted homophobe Sarah Palin.


Pictures like this don't really make matters any better either.

Is it just me or does this picture give us any sort of clue?...

And to make this gossip even more juicy, there have been further allegations that Lohan & Ronson are getting married. Clearly it's 'cool to be gay' these days, so I'm just wondering if Lindsay is just playing along with this idea for some publicity. Who knows?

I guess we'll see if LoSon tie the knot...

Guest Post: Kanye West Blogs About Playing Ball

When Kayne mentioned he'd be playing ball today, I asked him if he'd talk about his experience. Surprisingly, he said yes. Here's his account:

YO, I WAS A BALLER TODAY, YO!!!!!!!!!1
Sported the AIR YEEZYS ... you ain't got these on! Lotta people was HATIN' sayin Ye can't ball but I was ballin, son!!!!! ... Hataz was like 'that aint YE,' but it was me!!! Ball is life for me.... I'm either in the stu or out ballin. Dont front!
Superman did his thing....did you realize I'm a champion in they eyes? YES I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basketball with the Holy Ghost

Simply stunning. Watch and enjoy.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Field Guide: Know Your Howards

I heard somewhere that Gil is the most popular name on Earth. And while this is obviously true, the second most popular name must be Howard. Therefore, in the interest of keeping your stories straight, here is a some notable Howards.
JUWAN HOWARD
Former University of Michigan standout who has been a huge to moderate disappointment, given his college exploits. Staunch supporter of the goatee; a fact that has soured fans across the globe.
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DWIGHT HOWARD
Jesus loving basketball player who stands 10'8" tall.
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JOSH HOWARD
Dallas Mavericks forward who, through undeniable blackness, does not support "The Star-Spangled Banner." Among the things that find his favor despite his blackness: orthodontia, headbands, franks n' beans, ninjitsu, and Teddy Ruxpin.
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HOWARD THE DUCK
A duck named Howard who wears plaid shirts and suspenders when seducing 80s babes.
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HOWARD EISLEY

Former NBA basketball player whose Google Image searches return a surprising number of Michael Jordan pictures. Suck it Jazz fans.
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DESMOND HOWARD
University of Michigan legend/childhood hero of goathair.
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HOWARD STERN
All-around creep who has enjoyed great success despite notable lack of talent. America.
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RON HOWARD

Former child actor who has gone on to a successful directing career where he specializes in schlocky Oscar grabs mixed with neutered action films. Occasionally dabbling in ineffective child films, Ron Howard has grown a terrible beard.
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CLINT HOWARD

Much to Ron Howard's delight, his brother Clint has become a successful character actor. Ergo, Ron is not the scariest looking Howard in show business.
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HOWARD DEAN
Former Democratic Presidential candidate who surprised many by embarrassing himself on the way to squandering a commanding lead during the 2004 nomination process. Loves cows.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Happy Birthday Rasheed Wallace!

It's Sheed's 34th birthday today. Maybe you're wondering what you can get for him on this special day. Here are a few suggestions.


From me, some terrible Air Force 1s!

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From Graydon, a bullhorn!

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From Skeets, a chest of drawers!


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From Matt, bowling shoes!

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From me, Before You Do: Making Great Decisions That You Won't Regret by TD Jakes!

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From Maj, spray on hair!

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Go ahead and put your ideas in the comments. It's a celebration y'all!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects: The September Sucks Edition


Here's why:


  • Nothing important has happened regarding basketball since the gold medal game. The biggest "story" since then has been that Shaq's going to retire in 2 years. Can somebody get Ben Gordon to do something rash and hilarious?

  • My favorite college football team, the Michigan Wolverines, is terrible. On the plus side, at least they're really funny to watch.

  • My favorite professional football team, the Chicago Bears, are a house of cards. They're relying on an aging defense, rookie running back, and Kyle Orton. This can't end well.

  • There hasn't been a decent rap release since Murs and 9th Wonder released their tape. And outside of "Nina Ross," that wasn't great by any means.

  • The recent rap singles that have been leaked ("Swagger Like Us," "Love Lockdown," "Jockin' Jay-Z") have been interesting until you actually hear them. Then you listen to it and nothing.

  • I can't remember the last time a rock release has been that interesting. Not since I got Dodos from Weiss has anything of recent vintage stayed playing.

All this makes for a fairly lackluster month. BUT, the NBA starts in October. That's not so bad.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Dan Majerle and Celine Dion Together At Last

This morning it took me two and a half hours to travel what should have taken an hour. Plus, I'm trying to buy a house. I apologize for not blowing up your Google Reader with awesomeness (ShareBros stand up!), but I think this will suffice for now.
Turn the volume up because the audio quality is definitely not quality. The video, however, is amazing. Dan Majerle horsing around with Celine Dion, as you'd expect.

Friday, September 12, 2008

To My "Friend"



It's me, Pat. I just wanted to let you know how much I'm going to miss you.

Which is not at all.

I hate you with every fiber of my being. I can't believe that I've had to have such a close association with you for so many years. Back in the Notre Dame days, I thought it would be great to even be in the NBA; if I'd have known you were going to be such a jerk I'd have played volleyball like my mom wanted me to. I'd have even played football over having to deal with you. Touchdown Jesus knows they need the help.

It's not so much that you aren't comfortable, which you aren't. It isn't even that you're way to small for 6-foot-9 guy, which you are. It's that smug look you'd have on your stupid padded face after I'd invariably have to come back to you.

In a way, you're like a crippling drug addiction, without all the fun. I can't stand you but for whatever reason, I kept coming back. For that I hate you.

A lot of retired guys will put a bunch of you around their house. I wouldn't dream of that. I'd rather sit on a mound of broken glass, used needles, and salt.

Get bent. Literally.

Pat Garrity

Thursday, September 11, 2008

HAPPY Shout-Out on a Sad Day

We all remember where we were when the Two Towers were hit. I was in my dorm room. My roommate, Ashley, woke me up, frantic. Her mom had called and told her to watch the news. The first tower had been hit at that point. I was watching when the second was hit. It was an absolutely out-of-body, crazy, "this isn't happening in America" kind of day. And so I stayed in the dorm lobby, staring at the news reports, instead of going to my 10 a.m. tap class. Of all lame things, BYU counted missed classes that morning as absences. As if anyone could really concentrate in class anyway (even if it was just tap).

The night of September 11th, my family met in downtown Salt Lake to celebrate and forget the day's events a little. It just so happens, 9/11 is my Dad's birthday. We had planned a surprise party at the deli in his building. Pretty sure we didn't do the surprise, but we did gather. I was so grateful for that party. It was a way to escape into something normal... yummy deli food... singing "Happy Birthday"... watching my dad open presents... eating cake... I know I needed it. I think everyone else did, too.

So my unlucky dad (who was born a few years before the terrorist attacks) now shares his birthday with the most infamous date in current American history.


Now we get to the HAPPY shout-out. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dad!!!! He is an amazing man. He has the best sense of humor; he loves each of his children individually (and proved it over and over as we were kids, taking us out to special one-on-one Daddy Dates often... which ALWAYS involved him writing our current goals on napkins); he loves the gospel, loves the Lord, honorably holds the Priesthood (such a blessing growing up), and always follows the Spirit the first time (what an example!); he is quick to forgive and forget; he is silly (Peter LOVES him)...


...but also one of the sharpest business and creative minds EVER; he is generous and friendly; he's somewhat of a hermit (as stated in my last post), but he still reaches out despite his love of being alone; he adores my mother and treats her like his equal in every respect... they are truly best friends and eternal companions... I can't imagine them apart; he loves making deals, writing and accomplishing goals, and being optimistic; he is an impressive writer and eloquent speaker; he plays the guitar, the piano, and sings a great bass; and he is the best cheerleader, support, and financial backer (thanks for my wedding and my ENTIRE LIFE growing up!) a daughter could ask for.



I love you, Dad. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and smile. I hope to adopt more of your optimism, faith, and humor... among your many other good qualities. Hope it's a good one! (Love, Jocelyn)

The Annotated LeBron James Late Show Appearance

LeBron was on Letterman last night. So was Barack Obama. Ergo, LeBron got bumped and only was on air for about six minutes. Tough break.

Nonetheless, LeBron made the most of his six minutes by creeping me out with how much he looks like he should be a middle aged white guy. The mustache, cardigan, and hairline that looks receding but really isn't -- all trademarks of the middle aged white guy. For reference, consult this handy guide.


Notice anything else strange? Throw it in the comments.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Generally Bored and Definitely Broke

Yeah, yeah. I still haven't found the camera cord. Here's an oldie... back from our engagement pictures of all things... to keep you reading. I'll post some more random pictures along the way. It'll be fun!

So, as the title suggests, I am indeed bored and broke. It's funny, because I just don't get me. Do you ever feel that way? Like you are your own biggest mystery? I'm totally a hermit who hates being a hermit but can't seem to break out of it. I think I'm a combo act of my parents: I want to be like my mom (social butterfly and friend to all she comes in contact with), but I am inclined to be like my dad (prefers being alone in his room over mingling at a party... growing up, whenever we'd have a party of sorts, about halfway through I'd notice Dad was nowhere to be found; he'd always be up in his bedroom, hanging out with himself). The question is, how can I reconcile these two sides?


Sorry, this is getting psychological. I just feel bored and sooooo tired of my current hardly-ever-go-out-unless-I'm-picking-up-Robert-from-the-Metro lifestyle!! I guess it's part of the Mom life to often be stuck at home. And I guess since I have a(n almost) phobia of phones and thus outreaching (it takes a lot to get me to call most people, so if I've called you, pat yourself on the back)... it makes it even HARDER to get out.


AND THEN you add the "definitely broke" to it all. If you don't have someone you can hang out with (which you can't have every day anyway, even without the pseudo-phobias)... the next option is to go someplace. The thing is, most "someplaces" require money. I'm lucky to live in the DC area so the majority of museums are free... but I can only handle so many alone-with-Peter museum trips (we've done that one a lot) and zoo trips (fun, but always exhausting). So it leaves... a walk outside (one more reason I'm happy FALL is almost here; I can bear to be outside again!!!)... or the library.

But honestly... how many times can you go to the library in a week?!!??!?!


Okay. Enough whining. I'll sign off now. Post some ideas if you have any. Or just give yourself a mighty high-five for surviving this post!!! (-Jocelyn)

Pat Riley Is A Big Fan of Dean Martin

When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
That's amore

Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool
That's amore

When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love

When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not
Dreaming signore



Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli
That's amore