Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Collected NBA Facts Regarding Space Travel

  • In 1986, at age 14, Grant Hill was abducted and held for ransom by a Soviet sleeper cell. Knowing that Hill's mother, Janet, had been a college roommate of Hillary Clinton (then Arkansas' First Lady), the Soviets sought to obtain space shuttle launch codes via ransom. The plan was foiled when Hill bargained for his release by presenting his captors with a nearly impossible riddle. Upon their incorrect answer, the kidnappers released Hill protecting valuable NASA secrets. Hill refuses to reveal the riddle and the answer to this day.

  • Since the year 2000, David Robinson has overseen the production of what will be the first commercially available, manually piloted spacecraft. The prototype is called The Admiral and will be made public by 2015. The projected cost is $750,000.

  • Former Los Angeles Clipper swingman Kenny Battle claims to have been abducted by aliens in the summer of 1989. Taken in to their spacecraft and interrogated for what felt like 2 weeks (in reality 16 minutes), Battle informed the space travellers of the basic traditions of human life. In return, Battle was gifted athletic shoe inserts made from an unknown polymer that helped him gain entry in to the 1990 Slam Dunk Contest.

  • Prior to learning the game of basketball, Alan Henderson was locally famous in West Virginia for his stand-out performances at space camps up and down the East Coast. Tutored by the legendary Charles Brady, Henderson committed himself to becoming a United States astronaut. However, when his height exceeded 6'4", Henderson's dreams were dashed. After nearly 4 years of clinical depression, Henderson chose to play basketball and wore number 44 to commemorate the number of outer space trips that Brady had made.

  • Many people think that Sam Cassell looks like an alien. Most aliens think he looks like the Pan's Labyrinth creature that had eyeballs in its hands. Additionally, most aliens consider themselves to look most like former Seattle Supersonics forward Jack Sikma.

  • Critically derided as a children's movie upon it's release, 1996's Space Jam is actually a highly stylized documentary chronicling the Looney Tunes triumph over the Monstars. Producers felt that introducing animated elements would lend the story a fantasy element that would make it more enjoyable for mainstream audiences. A director's cut, with no animation, is to be included in the Criterion Collection version of the DVD, which should be in stores by Christmas of this year.

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