The Shane Battier Replicant

They did it, guys. They finally cloned a human, and as expected, something went wrong. This SCOUNDREL is running around calling himself "Shane Batch-ee-yay" to sound more dangerous, like Stephon Urquelle.

Well you're not fooling me Fake Shane Battier.

I've been watching you ever since that mustache showed up. You're shooting inefficient shots. You're not playing helpside defense. And when you challenge shooters, you're going for the ball and not putting your hand in their face. Did you think we wouldn't notice, Fake Shane Battier? Come on, son.

Next thing we know you're going to be trying to smooth out your head wrinkles. You're fooling no one Fake Shane. No one. Everybody who knows anything about facial hair knows that the mustache is the least efficient form of facial hair. It doesn't keep your face warm and it doesn't make your head seem longer, so what's the point? The real Shane Battier would never grow a mustache, YOU FAKING FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's Forecast.

Basically the windows near me all look like this.

And this is probably what it will look like when I get off work tonight.

If this turns into snow I won't be disappointed. But I am yearning for spring time. Yearning for these colors.

And I will gladly express how excited I am to go see this movie! And see it on Valentine's Day! Dinner date + this movie with my girlfriends!

Congratulations are in order!

Just thought congratulations were in order from allthingsles - Glee's Jane Lynch and her long-term partner Lara Embry recently announced their engagement!

(It seems that there are no pictures of them together. Sorry!)

Lynch, who has starred in lesbian favourite The L Word and of course, as Sue Sylvester in Glee, announced the engagement to Embry just last week.

And we - as you should too - wish them all the luck for the future.

Sean Marks Takes a Break

OH SNAP SON. Marcus you dropped that ball, man. Go get it. I'll just hang out here. Can't believe you're just throwing the ball out of bounds for no reason. Kinda wack, bro.

I'm freaking out? How? Because I'm yelling OH SNAP? Big deal. Maybe if you didn't throw the ball out of bounds for no reason I could just relax and set some back screens. Looooooove setting back screens.

OH SNAP. I'm gonna go set some back screens after you get that ball.

Jocelyn Speaks: A Child's Right to Life

I usually leave the political and "hot topic" posts to Robert (because I'm a wimp), but I was inspired by a great post by an old friend (whose political views, I'll admit, I don't always agree with; but he has a good heart).

You can find my response to the crazy comments (most of which I read, some of which I skimmed) as comment #33.

To simplify, I'll even just post it here for you. I thought this out and wrote it carefully and (tried to write it) from the heart. Robert helped me make sure I said everything I wanted to say in the way I wanted to say it, so thanks to him for that. (BTW, check out Robert's exceptionally thought-out posts on abortion morally and legally... politically is still-to-come.)

My Two Cents:

My view is simple but firm. I am not a philosopher so I won’t go there. I’m almost not a political expert or even near it… so I won’t try that one, either.

I do however have my faith– my belief in God and my will to follow Him. I know, because of my life and my experiences, which no one can disprove, that God lives. I know that He is my Father, that He created all things. And I know that life is sacred.

A fetus is part of creation. It is a baby waiting to be born. As a mother of two, I have felt life form inside of me– and it is nothing short of a miracle. It is something to be awed, to be reverenced, and to be respected.

I believe creation is sacred and sexual intimacy is a power intended by God to be used between a husband and wife to strengthen marriage and, of course, create life.

At-will abortion IS wrong. It is wrong to kill an unborn child except in extreme, carefully weighed cases (rape, incest, risk of health to the mother). The killing of an unborn child just because it is “convenient” is akin to murder.

I don’t think women who have abortions are bad people. I do, however, think they are misguided and making a tragic mistake, one that they will have to face up to before God. Abortion hurts the unborn child, true. But it also hurts the woman who has the abortion.

God has laws. His creations, nature all around us, revolve around laws. There are things that are right and things that are wrong. At-will abortion is wrong.

I know my belief cannot PROVE to anyone to side with me, but I guess that wasn’t my point. I just wanted to get it out there that I believe in life because of my faith– because God is God; His laws are eternal; and He respects life.

For the best article I think has ever been written about abortion, read this.

I really do believe all that I wrote, and I hope for morality... I hope for intimacy between a man and a woman to be regarded as it was intended, as sacred, meant for a husband and wife. The distortion of intimacy is the obvious root of the abortion problem... and I hope more young men and women awake to the reality that they are children of God and that their bodies are creations of God and are sacred. (-Jocelyn)

Mike Woodson is the Tipping Point

Y'all probably already know that Mike "Carl Winslow" Woodson of the Atlanta Hawksers shaved his eyebrows off to convince his team that he was crazy so that they would win in order to not upset their clearly insane coach. BUT did you know that Mr. Mike Woodson started a trend amongst the more style-conscious NBAers?

That is a true fact.

I found the pictures.

Charlie Villanueva was the first to try it, even before Mike Woodson did it. But people were kind of weirded out by Charlie's devotion to this look. He might have taken it too far.

Trying to show solidarity to both Charlie (both have bad contracts) and Mike Woodson (both of their cities can't believe their team still employs them), Jared Jeffries went eyebrowless. It's actually an improvement.

When all these guys started shaving their eyebrows off, Brad Miller took notice. Since he likes co-opting Black style, he adopted the shaved eyebrows look as well.

Then Troy Murphy attended the Symposium for Big White Guys Who Shoot Threes and saw Brad Miller and he was like, "nice, bro." He went home and shaved off his eyebrows because he thought that's what the whole group was doing. Whoops.

Then Troy Murphy came back to Indiana with no brows, and Earl Watson realized that his massive caterpillars needed some trimming so why not just get rid of them totally. Typical Earl Watson, always kinda messing things up just a little.

Since Brad did it, I had to do it. It's for art, guys. I might also look in to chest hair/giant hands removal. If you know anybody that specializes in that very specific area, holler at me.

As you can see, Mike Woodson is the classic "maven" from Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point, a book about random capitalization. It was his daring to bring style to the court that made it okay for all of us to shave our eyebrows.

Shave yours off tonight, take a picture, and it will be posted here. Together we can shave lives.

Masking Tape Shoe

My first project given to me in Design II is to replicate a shoe of mine out of masking tape. Oh yea, no biggy just make sure you do all the details, "stitching", labels, all things. So I am about half-way done and really working on the intricate parts. Here are pictures of the process and then I will post a picture of the final, donezo one! 

My sparkly TOMS shoe!

Getting all those beautiful curves around the side.

Lots and lots and lots of masking tape!

What its starting to look like. Coming along!

Stay tuned for the final product!

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 7

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You're just shooting a jumpshot, relax a little. Oh my bad. Let me guess, your back is tightening up. Because you're like a thousand. I guess that makes sense, unlike your continuing Team Jordan affiliation. Although I'm sure that helps out their age discrimination diversity. Maybe call up your best buddy Lance Armstrong to see how he stays so limber.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Some Things

• As of today I'm blogging the Olympics for Yahoo!'s Fourth Place Medal. I'm basically the Blog Costas of the Internet. That doesn't really mean anything, but it sounds kind of important. Nonetheless, Blog Costas says you should read my writing over there.
• Additionally, I'm still writing at Ball Don't Lie, too. Read it. (You already are.)
• What does all this mean for The Blowtorch? I don't know. You might not believe this, but these jokes I come up with come pretty quickly, so I'm hoping to continue making these jokes. Outside of during the actual Olympics (Feb 12-28 only on NBC and Yahoo!), things should still be active around here, but maybe a little slower. My fingers are just thinking out loud right now.
• I'm on Twitter again. NETWORKING.
• Remember that book I was writing? LOLers, me too. It's finished, but rather than settling for publishing it myself, I'm going to at least try to sell it. Why not, right? It's 2010. If that fall through, THEN I will settle for publishing it.
  
• That's enough inside blogsball. Here's a picture of Harry Potter at a Lakers game:
  

Ask Me Anything!

As the writer of this blog, I realize I've told you very little about myself.

So, in your honour, I thought I'd create a web questionnaire for you to ask me whatever you like about me.

I'm a severely honest person, so chances are, I'm going to answer whatever you ask me.

Obviously, because this is a lesbian blog, you're most likely to ask me lesbian-related questions. Go ahead - ask me whatever you like, but don't hesitate to ask me some non-lesbian related ones too.

Here's the link: http://formspring.me/LittleRen

KNOCK YOURSELVES OUT!

One Picture, Every Decade

I was checking out this picture of two floppy-haired bros shooting hoops against each other.

And I was looking at it really intense style and then I unlocked the key, which isn't how that metaphor works. But I uncovered the hidden message. I think it's a Da Vinci Code thing, because this picture recalls every era of NBA basketball, except for the 1940 which hardly count.

BREAK-DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

• 50s - non-muscular, light skinned legs, a hallmark of the early all white NBA.
• 60s - unkempt 'power to the people' hair and ineffective headbandery recalls the Summer of Love
  
• 70s - faux-tro wine and gold Cleveland Cavaliers uniforms
• 80s - too short shorts
• 90s - a center part and five o'clock shadow, ladies
  
• 00s - pointlessly updated Los Angeles Lakers jerseys
• 10s - this picture was taken in 2010

So basically this is the perfect picture for our times. Every true NBA fan would have it tattooed on their back, with the annotations so that it makes sense.

The NBA is a melting pot. We put in European and Argentinean chocolates, melt those chocolates together, and then after they have combined to form a nice Euro-Argentine chocolate paste we spread it on wheat toast and maybe put a little honey on top of the chocolate paste and enjoy it. Maybe we have another piece or maybe we get diabetes, we can't see the future.

"Tomorrow never knows." -- Ringo Starr
"For real." -- Trey Kerby

First Celesbian Outing of the Year...

As far as I know, British singer Lady Sovereign is the first Celesbian to come out of the closet this year.

For the record Sov, when you look like that, we already know you're gay. ;)

Anyway, just last week, pint-sized Sov came out on the British version of Celebrity Big Brother.

As soon as she entered the house, the show's presenter, Davina McCall, began rumours claiming that little Sov was a great dyke.

And guess what?

She was right!

Last year was a great year for lesbian and bisexual celebrities coming out of the closet, gaining more visibility for 'our kind'.

I'm sure we all have a list of starlets who we wish were gay and also a list of who we know are gay but just haven't confirmed it yet. (Think Jodie Foster.)

But who will be next?

I have my fingers crossed for Jessica Capshaw. (Yes, I know she's married. To a man. Just let me dream, dammit!)

Resolutions

Yes, FEAR the heading! Not ANOTHER blogger talking about RESOLUTIONS!!! Sorry... but it's what's on my mind.

My resolutions this year were simple. I originally had two. After a profound and touching talk with my husband last night, I now have three.

Drum roll please...

1. (Dumbest and simplest): Deactivate My Facebook Account
   
   I was addicted to games and wasting time on there. Now I'm going to be addicted to Twitter and my blog... I mean... uhh... (j/k) One day I hope to return to Facebook, but for this year, I am MIA.
   
   
   
   
   
2. (Cheesiest): Choose to Have Joy
   
   I have discovered that though I am a mostly happy person, when I am down I am REALLY down... and I get sucked into this black hole of self-pity. I know now (thanks to therapy and antidepressants, which took me wayyyyy too long to finally take) that I have control over ME. Even though I can't control my circumstances, I CAN choose my REACTION and how I feel. I am still working on this one. Hence the New Year's Resolution.
   
   
    
3. (Newbie, Life-Changing, Embarrassing but True): Give My All
   
   My entire life, I've been an all-or-nothing type of gal. (You should see my house... it's typically either impeccable or a total disaster. I'm getting better at that, though!) One more of those "thinking traps" of perfectionism... but I've realized thanks to my Honey that with a dash of talent and a lot of commitment and persistence, anyone really can achieve whatever they set out to achieve. I need to really work on the "commitment and persistence" part of that... which is hard to admit, but true. My goal this year is to give it my all. I won't get everything "perfect" and I WILL make mistakes, but I'm going to give it everything I've got.
   
   
   

And now, to tie it all together... a part of this quote is on my sidebar as well, but I love Love LOVE it, and it is EXACTLY the quote I needed last night (THANKS AGAIN to my amazing husband):

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

Enough about me... what are YOUR resolutions?

Offense, with Dahntay Jones

1. JUMPSHOT: Square up to the hoop. Get balanced. Knees shoulder width apart. Jump straight up, and land where you started. Eyes on the rim.

2. DRIVING TO THE RIM: Stay under control. Use an attack move. Prepare for help defenders. Make good decisions.

3. FINISHING AT THE RIM: Strength is the key. Concentration is crucial. Release the ball as close to the rim as possible. Play through the contact. Take the defender up with you.

4. USE YOUR OFF HAND: Strengthen your off arm. Jump off your inside foot. Practice until if feels natural.

5. HAVE FUN - Enjoy the game. Smile.

Help!

The images taken of Haiti are so powerful and display hope for things to get better, hope for things they need and a hope that God has this in His hands. Its crazy to know the amount of money given to them already for reconstruction but I'm sure they need more. I just looked into giving clothing away, but they still just need money right now. 

So HELP them! Another place I want to say give help to is again for a friend of a friend of mine, Caroline Fontetot and buying pictures taken in Haiti by a girl Caroline Tigner. Read her stories that have impacted me; http://www.ohsweetcaroline.blogspot.com/

http://gifthaiti.instaproofs.com/

oh goodness I love all those pictures!

https://realhopeforhaiti.org/Home_Page.html

Also too I'm asking if anyone can help me create a nice background design for my blog. What I am looking for is something sleek and clean. I do not want pictures of me all over the place. I have a couple of pictures that I've taken that I wouldn't mind being the background, I just don't know how to create that. Help me!

The third one I really really like!

"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." -Romans 15:4

Darius Songaila Supports Dunking

Ohhvkaay, Vadon. Make zis doonk shot. I vill give you hand wif making of doonk. Seence you are faht mahn vith faht neck, I vill helpt to leeft you off ze grounds.

Niiiiiiice ahnd easee weeth ze doonk. Joost make a tall jump and make zay doonk.

Oh wows, Vadon. You are un GIRTHY man, Vadon. I cahn barley leeft.

I keed. I keed. Of corpse Daryus cahn leeft. Strenf!

Bot vreally, you shood mah-be loose some of yore weight, Vadon. Note goot fors yours hart.

Go Diego Go!

Gotta love a show that gets my kid so excited he growls and yells random words in Spanish...

Thanks Diego!

Now... before my mouse is destroyed by the 11-month slobber monster, I must depart. :)

What Is This Guy Laughing At?

Hey, I like posting up as much as anyone outside of Paul Wall, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what is so so so so so funny to Eugene Pinkoxfordshirt up there. He's just loving life. BUT WHY?

Maybe because of this:

• Just watched the 5ooth Jones episode on his iPodPhone.
• Found out about Skype.
• Kevin Jonas got married.
• Received the R. Kelly Light It Up Tour DVD in the mail and watched the part that Aziz Ansari was talking about.
• Realized that exactly half of R. Kelly's songs are about making sex and the other half are inspirational self-help songs, which is a pretty weird breakdown.
• Started reading The Blowtorch.
• Is just a jolly fat man who likes to laugh.
• Bananas.
• One of his buddies wore a sweater that looks like the calibration screen on an HD television.
• Farted.
• Just likes having a good time.
• Found out his dad had Twitter.
• Rewatched The Happening.
• Can't get "Day Man" out of his head.
• Actually choking on a delicious churro.
  

But maybe it's none of those things. If you think you know what it is, throw it in the comments/bag.

Call For Advice 2: Printers & Coupons

I have become exceedingly aware of the world of couponing in the last few months, and I think it is meant-to-be... since I am not the best with finances, and despite multiple attempts at establishing a family budget, we still have not found a system that we stuck with.

My sis Rachel and several of my friends have gotten into couponing and started bragging (deservedly!) about their incredible savings... 50%, 60%, even 70% or more off their bill. My friend Melissa recently posted her self-called "geek" post where she showed her loot... which she bought for $30, saving over $90!!! That is INSANE!!! Awesome!!!

So... I'm basically sending out this post as a call for advice. Again. :) Me and my calls for advice!

1. PRINTER:
   Our printer died this December (really, really died)... so we are on the lookout for a new one. I would prefer a color printer (that is not insanely expensive to refill) that could stand up to my calling (Primary Music Director... I have to print LOTS of visuals; probably what killed our last printer).
   
   We also obviously want to get the cheapest (yet highest quality for the $) printer we can get. Any recommendations? I'm going to scour the web, but I love to operate on recommendations...
    
2. COUPONING:
   This goes along with getting a printer, since I need a printer to REALLY get into the couponing. I have had recommended to me a few websites to get me started, but I would love to hear your systems of organization. What works for you? I think I may go with the couponmom.com approach, but it's still a bit over my head... tips?

Thanks for reading... and I'm looking forward to your input!

Oh and all of you who responded to my e-mail about motherhood and balancing life, etc., I still am planning on compiling the advice in an anonymous format... and posting it here (if that's okay with y'all!). I really was so inspired by everyone's input. You all amaze me and I am grateful to glean from your wisdom!

...SO give me some more of that wisdom and comment!!!

Grateful Sunday: Miracles

I'm not making any promises... like saying I'm always going to publish on Sunday. But when I do, I'm going to stick with the good old Gratitude blog, to remember my many blessings.

I've been reflecting lately on how easy it really is to FORGET your blessings. The scriptures again and again tell us to "remember" all the Lord has done. And it is easy for me at least to judge the people in the scriptures who seem (honestly) stupid for so quickly forgetting incredible miracles.

Yet I have seen miracles in my life. And I forget. So here's hoping this gratitude post will aid me to remember...

Since I talked about miracles, I'm going to go ahead and go with that theme.

Miracles I Am Grateful For:

1. I suffered no injuries when I was 2 years old and fell out of a second-story window of our house (my sis was babysitting and I was apparently a good climber... while she wasn't looking I climbed out the window of our second story house... and fell). I honestly believe a guardian angel attended me that day. It is am absolute miracle that I survived unscathed (though I'm sure a little shocked/traumatized).
2. Countless times, I have lost something (it is unfortunately a weakness). And countless times, I have prayed to find the lost thing and had a thought come to me of an often weird place to look... and it's there. I know it's a small thing to find something that's lost, but to me it's a miracle and a testament that God answers prayers. (And it REALLY matters when you have a screaming baby that needs his binky... or you're locked out of your apartment--with 2 kids--in winter weather and think you dropped your keys SOMEWHERE outside.)
3. I consider loving my husband and being loved by him a miracle. It is miraculous to me when two people fall in and continue choosing to love one another, even through hard times. (And just the fact that when I loved him, he loved me... that still amazes me. I'm glad it happened, but it seems like the odds are low that you both love each other... yet it happens all the time! That's a miracle in this cynical world.)
4. Personal experiences that have confirmed the reality of a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ are miracles. I have felt the Savior's grace and the peace, serenity, and pure bliss that comes from repentance. I have also felt the Savior's strength when I felt like I couldn't forgive, couldn't go on, or even just couldn't deal with screaming kids anymore! Heavenly Father is my Father... I am a daughter of God... and Jesus Christ is my Savior. They are aware of me and love me enough to help me everyday. And that is a miracle!
5. The beautiful world around me is a miracle. I love nature... I really do. And I consider every sunrise, every creature, every blossoming tree in spring or snowfall in winter, to be a miracle. There is so much beauty... and I really do know that all things denote that there is a God. Nature really does seem to "speak" to my heart over and over again and confirm to me that God lives and is the loving Creator.
6. Even though unfair things happen, bad people seem to "win" sometimes, and evil is rampant... people remain faithful and committed to Jesus Christ. The light that can shine in the darkness--someone's faith--is a miracle. No matter the seeming depth of any darkness, the smallest light dispels it. It is a miracle to me that no matter how bad things seem, faith and hope (and charity, we'll throw that in there) move on.
7. Life is a miracle. Breathing in and out... having my heart beat... and watching these two little boys grow... are all once again evidences to me of the reality of a loving God.

I could go on and on... but I bear my witness that God lives, that Jesus Christ is His Son, and that they love each one of us. I have felt God's love and am a witness to His grace. Miracles do happen... and I am grateful I have been able to reflect and remember some of the mighty miracles in my life.

Love to you all!