Offense, with Dahntay Jones

1. JUMPSHOT: Square up to the hoop. Get balanced. Knees shoulder width apart. Jump straight up, and land where you started. Eyes on the rim.

2. DRIVING TO THE RIM: Stay under control. Use an attack move. Prepare for help defenders. Make good decisions.

3. FINISHING AT THE RIM: Strength is the key. Concentration is crucial. Release the ball as close to the rim as possible. Play through the contact. Take the defender up with you.

4. USE YOUR OFF HAND: Strengthen your off arm. Jump off your inside foot. Practice until if feels natural.

5. HAVE FUN - Enjoy the game. Smile.

Professor Threepointerstons Offers Shooting Advice

Hello children. I am Professor Threepointerstons, but you can call me Professor Threebombs. If you're wondering why I'm wearing this checkered hat and smoking a pipe, it's to attract intelligent women. For I am a professor of three-pointing.

There's nothing more special to Professor Threepointerstons than teaching other non-professors how to three-point. It's simple, really. In fact, I've authored a pamphlet entitled Professor Threepointerstons Guide to Three-Pointing: It's Simple, Really. This seven page pamphlet covers all the ins and outs of three-pointing, but mostly the outs since this is an outside shot which we are discussing. If you're interested in three-pointing, you probably already knew that, but I digress.

Anyhow the key to my three-pointing system is a revolutionary checklist designed to make three-pointing as easy as eggs. The system, dubbed "Professor Threepointerstons Three-Pointing System," is a simple eleven step process that must be executed in its entirety before shooting a three-point field goal. The steps are as follows:

1. Receive the basketball.
2. Mentally compliment the basketball on its roundness and smooth leather. This makes the ball want to help you out since you were so nice to it.
   
3. Briefly consider each and every basketball shot that you have made since you learned the flex offense (generally grade six).
4. Assess which of these shots made you the happiest. Choose only one and be specific.
   
5. Mentally compliment yourself on how happy that shot made you.
6. Remember the BEEF process (balance/eyes/elbow/follow-through).
7. Remember the last time you ate a meal that featured beef, to relax your mind for the three-pointing.
8. Begin the BEEF process by gaining your balance.
9. Focus on the rim. Possibly mentally compliment the rim so it does not get jealous of the basketball.
10. Ensure that your elbow is directly under the basketball that you will be three-pointing.
11. Shoot the basketball, holding your follow-through, while sending all of your good intentions to both the rim and the basketball that you have three-pointed.

It's that easy. This sequence should take no longer than 13 nanoseconds, and if it does, it is recommended that the shot be reconsidered*. Nonetheless, this simple guide to three-pointing should serve as the basis for your three-point shot. The system is a proven success. After all they don't give out doctorates in three-pointing to just anyone.

*This is covered in my advanced text Professor Threepointerstons Advanced Three-Pointing: Making Three Points Happen to You.

The Brad Miller Offensive Playbook

PLAY 1 - THE THREE1. Receive pass
2. Shoot three-pointer
3. Celebrate
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PLAY 2 - THE EVERY OTHER TIME

1. Receive pass

2. Pump fake

3. Slow drive to the basket

4. Encounter several defenders

5. Awkward layup

6a. Have sadness


6b. Celebrate

How to Make Friends in the NBA

Being a professional basketball player can be hard sometimes. Weeks and weeks are spent on the road. There are only eight months each year that millions of people watch you on television. And of course there are gold-diggers, haters, bustas, bammas, suckas, and haterz (way different -- note the Z). If you don't keep your guard up, you can get taken advantage of pretty easily. All these factors considered, it can be hard to make new friends. That's why you see so many players with posses of their old neighborhood pals, many of whom like to shoot guns and do drugs.

But meeting new people and making new friends is an exciting part of life. Every new person you meet could change your life, for better or for worse. For example, one time I met Seal, and ever since then, I've been training my voice so that I could be as great as he is. It's true that not everyone you meet is as awesome as Seal, so that's why The Blowtorch has created this handy guide to making friends, while playing in the NBA.

As you can see, there are four different groups of people that an NBA player can befriend. Let's discuss the pros and cons of each.

BROS

The Bro is just a normal person, who thinks it's the best thing in the world to meet a professional athlete. That's why they're so smiley. After you have befriended a Bro, they'll tell all their Bros that they're friends with an NBA player. At first, you'll probably think it's pretty cool, because they seem so chill, but it'll eventually get annoying when they ask you over to their condo and it turns out that there are 80 other people there who want a chance to see you. Not cool, Bro.

IMAGINARY CHARACTERS

You may think that the artificially created "friends" that you have constructed in your superior athlete brain are a nice way to escape the harshness of reality, but when those characters become your reality, things can get pretty freaky. On the other hand, free fries.

ATHLETES

This is probably your best bet. Not only can you and your new athlete friends go to the same clubs because you both have tremendous amounts of money, you also get a complementary Snoop Dogg, because he loves hanging out with athletes. However, you can encounter trouble if your posse and your new friend's posse clash (it's common knowledge that many posses contain haters, bustas, and haterz). Therefore, it's best to stick to partnerships arranged by your publicist. It's not technically friendship, but it's pretty close. Plus they can get you the matching outfits that all true friends wear.

"ACTORS"

Now, a real Actor (capital A) will not want to be friends with a professional athlete. They are far too devoted to their craft of pretending to be other people to lower themselves to befriending someone who plays a game for a living. However, "actors" (typically found in Michael Bay movies or the Disney Channel) will gladly befriend you. It makes them look cool by association. In all honesty, this isn't a bad move, since they have emptied the pockets of the parents of teenagers across the globe, and therefore have the money to kick it "Kade Style" at the hottest clubs. Everyone who mistakenly thinks they are famous, talented, or interesting knows that kicking it "Kade Style" is the best way to kick it.

After years of research, I've found these four categories are the best to look for new friends. Your new friends will be happy to be around you, and you'll be happy to not feel like the goofy tall kid in 4th grade. Win-win. Good luck friend finding!

One Picture, Two Memes: A Blowtorch Guide to Making Jokes

Sometimes I like to do some behind the scenes education for the kids. Today's post is about generating memes. Kids today know a lot about memes, but sometimes they don't know how to make them. But thanks to the ShareBro Meme Incubation Conclave, and careful study with noted meme creator, Carles, I've become fairly proficient at making memes from things.

Here is today's course material:

By following along, you will see that by using a single picture, we will generate two memes of different stickiness1.

Here is our source material:As you can see, it is a picture of Rashad McCants, Reggie Evans, and Andre Miller from a recent Kings/76ers basketball game. Let's make our first meme!

GENERATING A BASIC MEME

Our first meme is a basic meme, which tend to be stickier than higher level memes. This meme begins with Rashad McCants' face, which appears to have been distorted at the time of this photograph. Upon seeing his confused look and open mouth, I instantly noticed that he looked similar to the Jamie Foxx character in the upcoming motion picture The Soloist.

By isolating McCants' face and placing it next to a screencapture of Foxx's face from the upcoming motion picture The Soloist, we have created a basic meme:

Now a lot of blogs will stop at the basic meme. Because it's an easy joke and has maximum stickiness2, this is a pretty sound model for generating bloggable content. However, there is even greater comedic potential if we delve deeper in to the source material.

GENERATING A HIGH LEVEL MEME

We will now generate a high level meme. High level memes require both the generator and the audience to be familiar with numerous aspects of popular culture, sometimes from bygone eras.

For this high level meme, we will isolate the entirety of Reggie Evans. As you can see in our source material, Evans appears to be pleading with the referee for some unknown injustice. You will also note that he is bald and is seemingly pockmarked (though this may just be beard follicles).

Now to generate the meme, I immediately thought of how similar Reggie Evans looked to the musician Seal. I then referenced Seal's #1 hit "Kiss From a Rose." By overlaying a particularly appropriate stanza from this beautiful song, I have created a high level meme. However, in order for this meme to be successful, I'm assuming the audience a) agrees that Reggie Evans looks like Seal, b) they know the hit song "Kiss From a Rose," and c) they realize that this lyric of desperation correlates with the look on Evans' face. Because all three of these factors must be agreed upon, this meme is significantly less sticky. It is through the use of high level memes that the Blowtorch has gained critical acclaim while not often crossing over to mainstream audiences.

RECOGNIZING NON-MEMEWORTHY CONTENT

Not everything is deserving of a meme. As noted on today's guide, Andre Miller's grimace does not strike me as particularly memeworthy. This is, in part, because Andre Miller is likely the least interesting person to ever play professional basketball. However, to each his own meme. If you feel this is memeworthy, by all means, create and share your meme.

IN CLOSING

I hope that this tutorial on Blowtorch meme generation has proven both educational and insightful. I may have given away some secrets, but the great thing about memes is that they belong to all of us. The Internet will support an infinite amount of memes, but only the best will receive international acclaim. Good luck in your own meme generation, and remember, have fun!

1. Stickiness is how long-lasting the meme is. It is a scientific measure of how many people are aware and use the meme.
2. In this case, it could be suggested that The Soloist become a McCants nickname.
   

Are the Celtics Dirty?

Tom Ziller started an interesting discussion on whether or not the Celtics are dirty. As you can imagine, Celtics fans disagree. And because they're Celtics fans, they have to respond and defend and kind of ignore the initial argument. It's how former Celtic great Gary Payton would have wanted it, as you can see by his television work.

However, I don't know why they're all fighting. If everyone had just asked me, I could have easily explained whether or not certain players are dirty. It's easy. You look at their grooming habits and decide.

Here's an quick reference guide. Explanations are below.

Glen Davis - I bet he's one of those fat guys that smells like baby powder. NOT DIRTY

Bill Walker - Always looks like he has a dip in. DIRTY

Ray Allen - Impeccably groomed. NOT DIRTY

Eddie House - Beard maintenence proves dedication to hygeine. NOT DIRTY

Gabe Pruitt - Attended Southern California, home of lots of bros. NOT DIRTY

Kendrick Perkins - Probably has to wear a bib when he eats ribs. DIRTY

Kevin Garnett - Aside from chin, completely hairless. NOT DIRTY

Mikki Moore - Owns a snake. DIRTY

Leon Powe - Has two side jobs: garbageman and construction worker. DIRTY

Paul Pierce - Refuses to shower since Antoine Walker retired. DIRTY

Rajon Rondo - Smoothest skin in NBA history. NOT DIRTY

Stephon Marbury - Has a head tattoo. DIRTY

As you can see, the Celtics have six dirty players and six who are not. I think this settles that argument. You're welcome.

A Guide to Wearing Headbands

It may seem unthinkable now, but back in the late 1990s the headband was rare. You had your Chris Gatlings or your Clifford Robinsons, but that was about it. However, at the turn of the century a courageous group of players broke through the vaunted headband barrier to bring personal expression to a whole new level. That group: the Portland TrailBlazers. Those players: Brian Grant, Rasheed Wallace, Bonzi Wells, Scottie Pippen, Greg Anthony.

The Blowtorch salutes those brave souls. In their honor, please consult the following guide whenever you decide to wear a headband.

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THE STANDARD

Style: The Standard (formerly "the Cliff") is the most commonly seen headband style in today's NBA. Bisecting the player's forehead, the band is worn just above the ears and nestles under the protuberance on the back of the skull.

Currrent Practitioners: Rajon Rondo, Boobie Gibson, Brad Miller

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THE WAYBACK

Stule: The Wayback is worn high on the head, possibly to disguise the unfortunately high "fivehead" that a player might have. While the player may look normal while wearing the headband, once the band is removed their movie screen-esque forehead is prominently displayed.

Current Practitioners: LeBron James, Vince Carter

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THE OLD-TIMER

Style: While the Wayback is worn to disguise a grotesque physical anomaly, the Pierce is worn to combat a receding hairline. The Pierce is typically worn lower on the back part of the head in order to allow for coverage up front. Players who sport the Pierce generally appear slovenly.

Current Practitioners: Paul Pierce, Corey Maggette, Rasheed Wallace

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THE LOW-RIDER

Style: The Low-Rider is worn very low across the forehead, almost covering the eyebrows. It is assumed that this style originated from the wearing of low-slung fitted baseball caps.

Current Practitioners: Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, Jason Terry

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THE JUST A BIT OFF

Style: The Just A Bit Off is worn pushed back on the head in an almost yarmulke-like fashion. This style is generally worn by the player who is goofy, dangerous, crazy, or insane, hence the name.

Current Practitioners: Steven Jackson (circa Brawl), Michael Beasley, Gerald Green

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THE EARMUFF

Style: In general, the Earmuff is worn by an older player who is out of touch with current style trends. Off the court, an Earmuff wearer can often be seen sporting hideous outfits that no sane human would be seen in. Of course, hipsters have co-opted this look.

Current Practitioners: Derek Fisher, Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire

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THE GENIE Style: The Genie is a rarely seen headband style that takes both the Low-Rider and the Earmuff to the extreme. The band is worn low on the head, covering both the ears and the eyebrows. While this style is extremely rare, it has been captured by cameras on one occasion.
Current Practitioners: Julian Wright

A Guide to Going to Europe

Threatening to go to Europe is the new threatening to move to Canada. Essentially, it’s a meaningless threat on par with a VERY meaningless threat. Nonetheless, as a service to everyone, I’ll show you how you can use the threat of going to Europe in your every day life to get what you want.

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While booking a limousine for a wedding…
Martin: The best we can do for you is $200 an hour for a 14 seat, stretch Escalade.
Frank: I want a 20 seat party bus.
Martin: Well, that’ll be $240 an hour.
Frank: Whatever. I’m going to Europe.
Martin: Fine. How does $140 an hour sound?

While asking for a raise…
Erica: I’ve performed well above my expected level and feel that I should be promoted to the senior level.
Ron: You’re still a little inexperienced.
Erica: Fine. I’ll just go to Europe.
Ron: Alright, senior level, 11% raise, and a company car.

While negotiating an NBA contract...
Chris: Ey yo, uh, we ain’t sure you’re performance last year justifies you’s getting’ a big contrac’.
Andris: I veal go to Yoorope.
Chris: Aight, man, you got me. 6 years, 64 mill?
Andris: Voondarefool.

While listening to 80s rock…
Rico: Dude, Journey OWNS the 80s.
Mick: Yeah, right. I’m going Europe.
IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

While seducing your wife…
Todd: Aww, c’mon, honey. It’ll be fun.
Hannah: We are NOT getting a third person.
Todd: Fine. I’m going to Europe.
Tony Parker: You want-a to sex-a my wife?