Some Bros Talk Basketball

Bro, last night was RIDICULOUS.

For real, bro. Crazy.

Kobe, bro.

Bro. Kobe.

I know, bro.

At first I was like, "yoooooooo b, hook it up with the ball." But then I was like, "nice."

Exactly.

Exactly.

Pretty tyte, bro.

For real.

Shannon Brown: What are you guys talking about?

A Couple of Bros Discuss Product

Che cosa sta succedendo, bro?

Chillin, bro. Sup?

Per vero, bro. Potrebbe sparare alcuni gruppi di tre.

I feel that. Might shoot some back. Depends, yo.

Senza dubbio, bro.

Bro?

Eh, bro?

What kind of product do you use?

Cosa?

You know, hair product, bro. Your hair looks wicked fresh.

Stai comportando in modo strano, bro.

Nah, man. Just want to get the messy spike thing going on. Getting tired of the swoop action.

Ancora, bro. Stiamo cercando di sparare tre, qui e siete tutti così, "fammi sapere i tuoi capelli."

Chill, bro.

Hai freddo, bro.

Psssssssht.

Fuhgeddaboudit.

Not cool, bro.

PROTIP: Hover over Italian phrases for translations, bro.

A Couple of Hipsters Play Basketball

In Silverlake...Hipster at the Top of the Key: Hey, "pass" me "the ball."

Hipster with the Ball: Hold on, man. I'm going to try that hook shot Kareem used to do in the 80s. Style was so much cooler back then. Not to mention, I liked Kareem better back when he was Lew Alcindor.

Hipsters in Crowd: (nod heads with arms crossed over chest)

Hipster with the Ball: Foul. Chill out, this isn't a Limp Bizkit concert.

Hipsters in the Crowd: (snicker to themselves while nodding their heads)

Man in Disguise: Hey guys. Mind if I play?

Hipster Coach: Whatever, man. We can't tell you what you can or can't do. That's why we're in this league. We have the freedom that teams in major sports leagues don't have. That makes our brand of basketball a lot more authentic than those sell-outs.

Man in Disguise: Word.

(Man in Disguise runs an offense that no one else on the court knows.)

(Man in Disguise throws a back door pass to a cutter that isn't there.)

(Man in Disguise fends off the advances of Britney Spears, who just happens to be walking by in a bikini, since that's all she wears now.)

(Man in Disguise misses an open 15 foot jumper.)

(Time out is called.)

Hipster Coach: You need to relax, man. If you haven't noticed, we're trying to play with a detached sense of ironic cool. You're playing like a real bro.

Man in Disguise: I have to confess. I'm Luke Walton of the Los Angeles Lakers. I'm just trying to get in shape for the season, and I happened to see you guys playing out here. I got this mustache and bandana so I could fit in. No one wants to actually stand out.

Hipster Coach: Cool, man. We all love your dad. There's a few of us out here who look like him.

Luke Walton: I've noticed. Kind of weirds me out. He wasn't a great looking man.

Hipster Coach: You just don't understand us.

Luke Walton: That's probably true, for I am a Bro at heart. I'll be going now.

-------------

Phone rings playing "Lovegame"...Hipster Knicks Fan: What? Hipster Lakers Fan: You're not going to believe this. Luke Walton just came down to play at Silverlake. Then he left.

Hipster Knicks Fan: Of course he did. It's just like the Lakers to try and co-opt the counter culture. I'm so over the Lakers.

Hipster Lakers Fan: Poser.

Hipster Knicks Fan: Sell out.

photos via CobraSnake, Village Voice, the Dirty, and LATFH

How to Make Friends in the NBA

Being a professional basketball player can be hard sometimes. Weeks and weeks are spent on the road. There are only eight months each year that millions of people watch you on television. And of course there are gold-diggers, haters, bustas, bammas, suckas, and haterz (way different -- note the Z). If you don't keep your guard up, you can get taken advantage of pretty easily. All these factors considered, it can be hard to make new friends. That's why you see so many players with posses of their old neighborhood pals, many of whom like to shoot guns and do drugs.

But meeting new people and making new friends is an exciting part of life. Every new person you meet could change your life, for better or for worse. For example, one time I met Seal, and ever since then, I've been training my voice so that I could be as great as he is. It's true that not everyone you meet is as awesome as Seal, so that's why The Blowtorch has created this handy guide to making friends, while playing in the NBA.

As you can see, there are four different groups of people that an NBA player can befriend. Let's discuss the pros and cons of each.

BROS

The Bro is just a normal person, who thinks it's the best thing in the world to meet a professional athlete. That's why they're so smiley. After you have befriended a Bro, they'll tell all their Bros that they're friends with an NBA player. At first, you'll probably think it's pretty cool, because they seem so chill, but it'll eventually get annoying when they ask you over to their condo and it turns out that there are 80 other people there who want a chance to see you. Not cool, Bro.

IMAGINARY CHARACTERS

You may think that the artificially created "friends" that you have constructed in your superior athlete brain are a nice way to escape the harshness of reality, but when those characters become your reality, things can get pretty freaky. On the other hand, free fries.

ATHLETES

This is probably your best bet. Not only can you and your new athlete friends go to the same clubs because you both have tremendous amounts of money, you also get a complementary Snoop Dogg, because he loves hanging out with athletes. However, you can encounter trouble if your posse and your new friend's posse clash (it's common knowledge that many posses contain haters, bustas, and haterz). Therefore, it's best to stick to partnerships arranged by your publicist. It's not technically friendship, but it's pretty close. Plus they can get you the matching outfits that all true friends wear.

"ACTORS"

Now, a real Actor (capital A) will not want to be friends with a professional athlete. They are far too devoted to their craft of pretending to be other people to lower themselves to befriending someone who plays a game for a living. However, "actors" (typically found in Michael Bay movies or the Disney Channel) will gladly befriend you. It makes them look cool by association. In all honesty, this isn't a bad move, since they have emptied the pockets of the parents of teenagers across the globe, and therefore have the money to kick it "Kade Style" at the hottest clubs. Everyone who mistakenly thinks they are famous, talented, or interesting knows that kicking it "Kade Style" is the best way to kick it.

After years of research, I've found these four categories are the best to look for new friends. Your new friends will be happy to be around you, and you'll be happy to not feel like the goofy tall kid in 4th grade. Win-win. Good luck friend finding!

Kinda Worried About Tyler HansBro

Bros. I recently saw a picture of Tyler HansBro, and something is wrong.

If you've seen the 2002 documentary film The Ring then you already know what I'm talking about. Judging by the blurriness on his face, I'd estimate that HansBro has about 4 days to live. It is likely his buddy on the right is already dead (RIP Buddy).

Not cool, Sadako.

In that documentary, the filmmakers go in-depth trying to figure out what exactly happened to the girl that kills everybody in that movie. If you can't remember the sequence of events, here is a quick breakdown:

• Watch a creepy video.
• Face goes blurry.
• Tortured young girl comes and kills you.

Here is a diagram of what happened to the last Teletubby to watch the video.

RIP Teletubby

As you can see, Sadako ate the Teletubby's insides from the inside. It's horrific and I don't want that to happen to Tyler HansBro. Why you ask?

He is best Bro icon to enter the NBA in years.

With the continued irrelevance of Jason KaBrono and the increasing annoyance that is Shaquille Bro'neal, there has to be someone to step in to that void and represent for all the Bros in the world. Tyler HansBro is that Bro.

Besides, who is going to sell those Dockers?

These Dockers aren't going to sell themselves.

That's why it's troubling. We need Bros in the league, just like we need Bros in our blog posts. Without Bros, how would we know who is legit and authentic (i.e Dudes), and who is not legit or authentic (e.g. Bros).

I can only imagine Tyler's face when he saw The Ring.

Tyler's face when he saw The Ring

So not only have we lost a marketing superstar, we've also lost the last remaining Bro hope in the NBA. Now, there is no foil for Dudes such as Brad Miller and Greg Oden and Chris Bosh. Dudes need Bros, and Bros need Dudes. This is how the world works.

RIP HansBro:"Seems Like a Chill Bro"

A Couple of Bros Win an NBA Title

Bro, we totally won the title, bro.

For real, bro.

Bro, check out this trophy.

Heavy, bro.

Can you believe it, bro? It's like meeting a fly honey who wants to party, AND THEN YOU PARTY. Unbelievable, broski.

No kidding, bro. My pops is always like, "winning a title is the best feeling in the history of the world and Western civilization." I'm always like, "psssht whatevs." But he wasn't lying, bro.

Yeah, bro.

Do you ever think, like, maybe there's more to life than playing basketball and being chill?

Not really, bro. I just want to wear backwards hats all day and party.

Word up. Let's get crunk.

Some Bros Go To a Magic Game

"Yeah, sure, maybe you guys can play it cool, but there are 226 people on Twitter who need to know I got courtsides."

A Couple of Bros Go To a Lakers Game

Bro, Lake Show tickets TO-NIGHT. I'm talking courtside baby. You in.

Bro, I'm so in. You know I'm in. Like I got anything better to do. Some broad wanted to watch P.S. I Love You but if she thinks I'm missing the Lakers, she can jump in a lake.

Bro, you're money. You are so money and you don't even know it. That's right, Swingers quote in 2009. I don't care if the ladies think it's lame, I'm sticking with it.

Bro, you know I love Swingers more than anything. That's why I always watch it when a girl dumps me. Gets me back in the right frame of mind to mack on the honeys. What are you wearing tonight, bro?

Bro, you know I'm going with my white v-neck and some distressed jeans. It's a killer look, bro.

Oh no doubt, bro. I'll probably just rock a polo and some cargos, like usual. Ladies love that laid back Cali look, bro.

Bro, you should wear your Magic jersey.

FOR REAL, bro. I haven't put that on in like 8 years. I hope it still fits.

Bro, you're going to be like a bear with your bear claws and your Magic jersey. So money.

So money, bro.

So money.