Rajon Rondo Loves Redbull

Hey, I'm Rajon Rondo of the Boston Celtics. I'm also a paid endorser for Red Bull energy drink. It gives you wings. Thanks for stopping by. Let's check out my abode. We'll start in back.

(Rondo drinks a can of Red Bull.)


Yo, this is my back yard. I mostly just like to come out here and drink Red Bull energy drink. It gives you wings.

(Rondo chugs a can of Red Bull.)

Yeah, I just like to come back here. Drink my Red Bull energy drink, which gives you wings, and then kind of just brood on my steps. I told my designer, "make sure you get me some brooding steps." And she was all like, "what are brooding steps?" So I said, "just like regular steps except you brood on them." Then she was like, "oh that makes sense." Then I was like, "did you think, like the steps would actually be brooding?" And she was like, "I just really wasn't sure what you meant." Then I was like, "yo that's crazy steps can't show emotions like brooding because they just steps which are made of stone." So she was like, "yeah."

(Rondo chugs a can of Red Bull.)

Let's go inside, yo. It's more housey in there.

Thistheinsideofmyhouse.

I just like sittin here drinking Red Bull energy drink that gives you wings but I ain't ever grow no wings so I think it's a metaphor or something humans can't just be growing wings like buzzards or something so I don't even get it but they give me SO MUCH Red Bull that I can't drink it fast enough and if it really did give you wings I'd have like a million wings by now.

(Rondo chugs a can of Red Bull.)

Let'sgocheckoutmygaragewhereIkeepmycarssinceitsagarageforcars.

(Rondo enters the garage.)

YoRedBullenergywingshookeditupwithasuperfastcar. Wegottadriveitrightnoworthewings.

HahayeahweflyinandIdon'tknowifthisiswhattheymeanwiththewingssincewe're

metaphoricallyflyinbutwegoinfastandIain'tevencareifwecutthempeopleoffbecause

thisisAmericaandit'safreecountrysoI'mallowedtocutpeopleoffifIwanttobecause

that'struefreedomandsupposedlysomepeoplethingImeantthinkthatRedBullmakes

youirritatedorshorttemperedbutlookatme.

DoIlookirritatedordoIlooklikesupersmoothandbroodingwithoutwingscauseofthefake
RedBullwingsexactlyI'mcoolbrosothat'swhyIsayRedBullwingdrinkdoesn'tmakeyou
irritatedandthat'ssciencelikethatmovieAnchormanright.

(Rondo's develops a heart murmur from too much Red Bull.)

One of These Wasn't Photoshopped

Text Messages I Received During the Bulls/Celtics Game 7

These real life messages from real life bros were received between 6:37 and 10:32 pm Saturday night. It's like the Brad Miller remix of Texts from Last Night, only not made up.

-------------

6:37 -- Im nervous about a game i have no rooting interest in.

6:39 -- If i had one. I have subbed a raptors shirt.

6:53 -- How many tins of Skoal has Brad Miller gone through today?

7:02 -- Bangersssss

7:32 -- Thanks for basketball, God!

7:46 -- H8 big baby

7:58 -- Watching Brian Scalabrine guard Brad Miller is like stepping into a phantom tollbooth of delusional gigantism. Scalabrine is ginger Michael Rapaport.

8:04 -- It's uncanny. I feel after the game both of them are going to go home and listen to Mac Lethal records.

8:05 -- Do you think he and the professor listen to old cage records outside of the rucker?

8:07 -- Wait Scalabrine is El-P's gigantoid brother. How has no one realized this.

8:53 -- Rondo is a little girl.

9:28 -- Vinny Del Nego may employ a professional hair stylist.

9:29 -- The same one employed for Scott Baio and Willie Aames on Charles in Charge.

9:39 -- I think Brad Miller needs to start re-enacting Reservoir Dogs.

9:48 -- Nothing to be ashamed of.

9:53 -- F---ing gordon. Eddie house is an a-------.

10:01 -- Sad

10:02 -- Great run. Bright future. No shame.

10:02 -- the only consolation for brad miller is atmosphere albums.

10:06 -- They are not well coached. :/

10:10 -- There's a massive part of him that is glad this is over. Looked terrified. Do you think he'll grow into a decent coach? Mike Brown was atrocious his first year.

10:31 -- Longest line ever award.

10:32 -- It's like getting a Rondo award. Blech!

Every Celtics Fan Ever During Joakim Noah's Dunk

(h/t: Jens the Headless Chicken)

Incorrect Running Forms Arranged From Bad to Worst

The Celtics Big Three Attend a Screening of Fast and Furious

Are the Celtics Dirty?

Tom Ziller started an interesting discussion on whether or not the Celtics are dirty. As you can imagine, Celtics fans disagree. And because they're Celtics fans, they have to respond and defend and kind of ignore the initial argument. It's how former Celtic great Gary Payton would have wanted it, as you can see by his television work.

However, I don't know why they're all fighting. If everyone had just asked me, I could have easily explained whether or not certain players are dirty. It's easy. You look at their grooming habits and decide.

Here's an quick reference guide. Explanations are below.

Glen Davis - I bet he's one of those fat guys that smells like baby powder. NOT DIRTY

Bill Walker - Always looks like he has a dip in. DIRTY

Ray Allen - Impeccably groomed. NOT DIRTY

Eddie House - Beard maintenence proves dedication to hygeine. NOT DIRTY

Gabe Pruitt - Attended Southern California, home of lots of bros. NOT DIRTY

Kendrick Perkins - Probably has to wear a bib when he eats ribs. DIRTY

Kevin Garnett - Aside from chin, completely hairless. NOT DIRTY

Mikki Moore - Owns a snake. DIRTY

Leon Powe - Has two side jobs: garbageman and construction worker. DIRTY

Paul Pierce - Refuses to shower since Antoine Walker retired. DIRTY

Rajon Rondo - Smoothest skin in NBA history. NOT DIRTY

Stephon Marbury - Has a head tattoo. DIRTY

As you can see, the Celtics have six dirty players and six who are not. I think this settles that argument. You're welcome.

Kevin Garnett Intenses Twitter

Kevin Garnett's current Twitter status:

Miracles Happen

It's usually beyond the scope of the Blowtorch to discuss religion, but if this doesn't signify something, than I don't make jokes about foreigners. What you see below is an electronic mail message from the pastor that will be performing my marriage ceremony.

Klosterman said that for one decade, God cared about NBA basketball. Maybe he's a really big Lakers/Celtics fan, because it's a blessing that I don't have to reschedule my marriage counselling in order to liveblog.