Offense, with Dahntay Jones

1. JUMPSHOT: Square up to the hoop. Get balanced. Knees shoulder width apart. Jump straight up, and land where you started. Eyes on the rim.

2. DRIVING TO THE RIM: Stay under control. Use an attack move. Prepare for help defenders. Make good decisions.

3. FINISHING AT THE RIM: Strength is the key. Concentration is crucial. Release the ball as close to the rim as possible. Play through the contact. Take the defender up with you.

4. USE YOUR OFF HAND: Strengthen your off arm. Jump off your inside foot. Practice until if feels natural.

5. HAVE FUN - Enjoy the game. Smile.

How to Stand in the NBA: A Primer

It's probably a scientific fact that some NBA players maybe spend about one-third of a basketball game standing around. Between fouls, twenty-second timeouts, and being Roko Ukic, this seems like a fair estimate that should be considered truth. This doesn't even count time on the bench, where players such as Adam Morrison, Bill Walker, and Roko Ukic have mastered the art of standing. In fact, there have probably been petitions to rename the league the NBaaSA, which would stand (zinger) for National Basketball and also Standing Association. Because of all the standing, this makes sense.

As such, The Blowtorch has put together a quick guide to standing in the NBaaSA. It's pretty simple, really. Here's what the New York Knicks have to say about standing.

David Lee: "Just stand and like put your hands on your hips. Maybe think about a Vampire Weekend song."
Wilson Chandler: "Yeah, what David said. I chew my mouthguard because I'm really weird and have two last names that sometimes people use as first names. I hated Home Improvement."
Al Harrington: "Psssssht. Home Improvement was my jam. Zachary Ty Bryant was hilarious."
David Lee: "Learn how to stand. Both hands on hips."
Wilson Chandler: "Heidy-ho, neighbor."

Thanks guys. David Lee basically nailed it. To successfully stand in the NBA, you just stand like a normal person, but you add in the hands on hips thing because when you're wearing shorts you don't have pockets to put your hands in. If you don't put your hands on your hips, Tony Parker will laugh at you.

"Eh, Keef Bogan, poot ze hands on ze heeps, mon frere. Eet make-a for-a clehn-a seeeloooeeet."

With the proper training, anyone can learn how to stand. The Indiana Pacers have recently launched a community outreach program where they reach out to members of the community to teach them how to stand. Here we see Josh McRoberts teaching an elderly man how to stand. As you can see, he's got a couple of his teammates with him to help demonstrate.

"DUDE JUST PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS. DO YOU LIKE MASTODON? THEY'RE INSANE. YOU CAN BORROW MY MINIDISC PLAYER IF YOU WANT SOMETIME. LET'S GO SEE AVATAR TOGETHER. I LIKE YOUR TIE BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE AVATAR. WEAR IT TO THE THEATER WHEN WE GO SEE AVATAR. THE USHERS WILL LIKE IT AND WE CAN SIT IN THE FRONT ROW AND GET CHURROS."

It's that easy. Now that you know how to stand, try it around the house. To be an NBA caliber stander, you need to practice. The best standers in the league (Roko Ukic, for example) spend up to eight hours a day doing standing training in the offseason. If you want to catch up, double that. Soon enough, you'll be standing with the best. Good luck.

PROTIP: The "aa" in NBaaSA is pronounced "aaahhhh" like drinking a ginger ale. So, the entire abbreviation is pronounced "EN BEE aaahhhh ESS AY."

There He Is

Don't worry guys, I found Sam Perkins. Turns out he stole Busta Rhymes's identity and went to the Great Wall of China with Dave Chappelle.

Typical Sam Perkins.

Catching Up with Mike Dunleavy, Jr.

I recently had a chance to chat with Mike Dunleavy, Jr. of the Indiana Pacers basketball team. He was very kind to answer a bunch of my questions, and was very earnest in doing so. In an age of irony and sarcasm, Dunleavy's sincerity should be applauded. Here's the highlights.


On how long our interview would be.

"Two minutes. 120 seconds."

On his mental state during his knee injury recovery.

"I've got the right attitude."

On his favorite part of being a basketball player.

"You know, I just like meeting people."

On watching other teams' games.

"I get League Pass, so I can watch all the games at my house. There aren't enough NBA fans left."

On the difference between college basketball and the NBA.

"If you say college basketball is better, you're stupid."

On what he would be doing if he weren't a basketball player.

"Tax accountant."

On being told he resembles a young Liam Neeson.

"Hey, I consider that a HUGE compliment."

Various Marketing Opportunities for Tyler Hansbrough

As the President and CEO of a growing marketing firm, I've got to pay attention to what others in my field are doing. In order for me to make Blowtorch Consulting as big as I dream, I need to be able to incorporate what the competition is doing, but take it to a higher level. Right now, I'm clearly the most innovative marketer around, but I'm not as well known as some of the bigger managers/agents but people are pretty impressed with my status.

One guy who I admire a lot is Jeff Schwartz over at Excel Sports Management. I've really been impressed with his Tyler Hansbrough campaign. Hansbrough is going to be pretty marketable, especially because he's in Indiana. He fits their demographic perfectly. Let's take a look at the package they've put together.

JC Penney Spokesman

This just makes sense. I like that they're playing up his style-averse fashion choices as a kind of style. And since the market share of JC Penney among all other Indiana clothiers is nearing 85%, this could be a very lucrative deal. I see them offering Hansbrough his own big and tall clothing line that's heavy on pleated pants and untailored button-downs. This could be huge.

Brough Hats

I'm on board with this initiative as well. I like the Brough/bro interplay because not only is it his name, but the people who are the biggest Tyler Hansbrough fans are real bros. They wear these hats anyways, so why not sell them something endorsed by their favorite player.

Indiana Jersey Promotion

I'm kind of on the fence with this move. Yeah, it gets Hansbrough's name out there, but there's also no real monetization for Tyler's camp. I can't imagine more than 75 people are going to want a Hansbrough Pacers jersey, so they might be giving these away to the only people who would buy them.

Tyler Hansbrough Wax Statue

Now this is the real legendmaker. What other rookie already has a wax statue? That's baller status right there. This is going to be something that Blowtorch Consulting comes back to again and again. There are so many opportunities here. You can charge for pictures taken. You can send it on tour. You can rent it out to nightclubs as a promotion. The possibilities are endless, and the attention to detail is simply stunning. It almost looks real.

Needless to say, the Hansbrough campaign is pretty impressive and I can see Blowtorch Consulting using some of these ideas as we continue to grow. I really like the multifaceted approach they're taking, and the way they're using unusual products to increase their visibility (a tenet of Blowtorch Consulting's business plan). Well done, Jeff Schwartz. I hope we can work together some day.

It Appears That Travis Diener is Happy About Beating the Lakers

Guys. Hey guys. GUYS! Isn't this the best thing in the world?! This is totally, flippin' cool, man. I'm pumped. This is just so much fun. I mean, we WON. WE beat the Lakers. It was such a team effort. I just did what I could to help us win. This is so exciting. Oh, I could just dance all night! I mean, I know we've won before, but we totally won against the Lakers. That makes us the best team in the league, right? Right?

Oh wow. I'm so excited, I have to pee.