My Newest Clients

As y'all know, my house is a happening place. As the headquarters for Blowtorch Consulting, we were proud to host BDLCON 2k9. Fans from as far as Indiana, Canada, and Illinois flocked to Illinois to watch television and make jokes. We were pretty pleased with the turn-out.

We did so many activities, like dog training. Here is a famous Internet celebrity teaching one of our volunteers how to dribble a basketball:

Anyways, after the success of BDLCON 2k9, I've received some requests from athletes for some face-to-face consultations. It's a new day for Blowtorch Consulting. Where we had previously just e-mailed memes, marketing opportunities, and growth strategies to assorted players, now we're working hands-on with our clients.

Our first guess was a bro named Jason. He stopped by to see how he could become more recognizable to the public. I told him, "bro, you need to do something wacky. Something that will make people think about you in a new way."

He said, "like some new hair product and a gingham shirt?"

I said, "nah, bro. Like change your number or something."

And here he is now: I'd say that's a successful image makeover. Before he was just a bro who could shoot shots pretty good, but kind of looked like a sissy. Now, he's got this new silly number that makes people think he's mysterious.

After that went so well, he recommended me to his friend, Primoz. Now, I wasn't sure exactly who this guy was, or what his name was supposed to mean. I kinda figured he was a big Prince fan, but turns out he hates Prince. So the name mystery remains unsolved.

But I told him, "maybe you shouldn't necessarily play up the ethnic name. People will think you're coming over here to steal American jobs, which is kind of a touchy subject."

He agreed, saying, "Kul človek. Bom poskusil pogledati več ameriških."

I had no idea what that meant, but he went upstairs, changed clothes, and mussed up his hair. I was shocked to see that he looked exactly like my college roommate.


When he came down, he was calling himself "Pedro," thinking it was a typical American name. I suggested "Pete" and the transformation was complete.

I can't exactly say where this company is going, but I like the direction it's taken lately. To really help control the images of these almost-world-class athletes is a positive step for us. I'll keep you posted on the happenings of Blowtorch Consulting.

The Most Exciting Lay-Up in the History of Lay-Ups

Magic fans are a fickle bunch. Remember two week ago when they couldn't give a rip about Dwight Howard dunking? Now Andre Miller, possibly the most boring player in the league, drives to the basket and everyone FREAKS OUT.

I've never seen so many people so pumped up for a lay-up. Anthony Johnson looks like he's going to die.

One Picture, Two Memes: A Blowtorch Guide to Making Jokes

Sometimes I like to do some behind the scenes education for the kids. Today's post is about generating memes. Kids today know a lot about memes, but sometimes they don't know how to make them. But thanks to the ShareBro Meme Incubation Conclave, and careful study with noted meme creator, Carles, I've become fairly proficient at making memes from things.

Here is today's course material:

By following along, you will see that by using a single picture, we will generate two memes of different stickiness1.

Here is our source material:As you can see, it is a picture of Rashad McCants, Reggie Evans, and Andre Miller from a recent Kings/76ers basketball game. Let's make our first meme!

GENERATING A BASIC MEME

Our first meme is a basic meme, which tend to be stickier than higher level memes. This meme begins with Rashad McCants' face, which appears to have been distorted at the time of this photograph. Upon seeing his confused look and open mouth, I instantly noticed that he looked similar to the Jamie Foxx character in the upcoming motion picture The Soloist.

By isolating McCants' face and placing it next to a screencapture of Foxx's face from the upcoming motion picture The Soloist, we have created a basic meme:

Now a lot of blogs will stop at the basic meme. Because it's an easy joke and has maximum stickiness2, this is a pretty sound model for generating bloggable content. However, there is even greater comedic potential if we delve deeper in to the source material.

GENERATING A HIGH LEVEL MEME

We will now generate a high level meme. High level memes require both the generator and the audience to be familiar with numerous aspects of popular culture, sometimes from bygone eras.

For this high level meme, we will isolate the entirety of Reggie Evans. As you can see in our source material, Evans appears to be pleading with the referee for some unknown injustice. You will also note that he is bald and is seemingly pockmarked (though this may just be beard follicles).

Now to generate the meme, I immediately thought of how similar Reggie Evans looked to the musician Seal. I then referenced Seal's #1 hit "Kiss From a Rose." By overlaying a particularly appropriate stanza from this beautiful song, I have created a high level meme. However, in order for this meme to be successful, I'm assuming the audience a) agrees that Reggie Evans looks like Seal, b) they know the hit song "Kiss From a Rose," and c) they realize that this lyric of desperation correlates with the look on Evans' face. Because all three of these factors must be agreed upon, this meme is significantly less sticky. It is through the use of high level memes that the Blowtorch has gained critical acclaim while not often crossing over to mainstream audiences.

RECOGNIZING NON-MEMEWORTHY CONTENT

Not everything is deserving of a meme. As noted on today's guide, Andre Miller's grimace does not strike me as particularly memeworthy. This is, in part, because Andre Miller is likely the least interesting person to ever play professional basketball. However, to each his own meme. If you feel this is memeworthy, by all means, create and share your meme.

IN CLOSING

I hope that this tutorial on Blowtorch meme generation has proven both educational and insightful. I may have given away some secrets, but the great thing about memes is that they belong to all of us. The Internet will support an infinite amount of memes, but only the best will receive international acclaim. Good luck in your own meme generation, and remember, have fun!

1. Stickiness is how long-lasting the meme is. It is a scientific measure of how many people are aware and use the meme.
2. In this case, it could be suggested that The Soloist become a McCants nickname.
   

Andre "Grimace" Iguodala Tries to Smile

A lot of people say to me, "Iggy, why don't you ever smile?" After I slap them in the face for calling me Iggy, I have to explain my problem.

The thing is, it's not that I don't smile. It's that I can't smile. Seriously. Here's what happened when I tried to smile during a game last year.

That is not a good look. I really don't even understand why I can't. I tried pulling my mouth down to show my teeth, but for whatever reason, my upper lip wouldn't let them show. It sucks. I really want to smile.

Sometimes, I just try to sneak up on the smile. Like, I'll act like I'm not trying to smile, then at the last second, I'll bust one out.

Of course, I end up looking like I should be in an all-male R&B group from the year 2000. It's really frustrating. I just want to show you guys how happy I am.

And why wouldn't I be happy? I'm rich. I'm obviously the best player on my team. There is seriously no one in the world that should be as happy as me.

Wait. I just had an idea. What if I flex ALL my muscles and try to smile? Would that work? Here goes nothing.

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh, it's working. Everyone look quickly. I am so smiling right now. This feels so awesome. I just want to smile forever. Just keep flexing, Andre. Flex and smile. Flex and smile.

Tell me you guys are seeing this.

Great. Lost it.

Andre Iguodala Meets Elton Brand

Oh, hey, big guy. How ya doin?! It's so great to have you in town. This year is going to be GREAT. Now that we finally have some time to sit down, let's talk.

WOW, you're so strong! I mean, I bet you're strong enough to carry a team, right? HAHAHA! I'm kidding, Elton! If you even think this is your team, you're sadly mistaken. I will stab you in your bad knee with a rusty pair of scissors. And then again in your good knee. No offense, it's just how I roll.

I'm just messing with you. I wouldn't stab you in your good knee.

You're so tense, bro. Just loosen up, alright? It's not like I'm jealous of your enormous contract or the fact that now that you're here that we can win the East or that I couldn't get a maximum contract. No, I'm just having fun, rubbing your shoulders. Oh, what's that? It hurts? I'm just getting a little worked up, that's all.

But really, thanks for coming here. I mean, it's nice to have a third option after me and me. Youu seem surprised. Did they tell you that you'd be the number one guy? That's too bad. This has been AI's town for 12 years. Sure, it started with some other jerk, but the real AI runs this now.

Relax, Elly. Can I call you Elly? Well, I will anyways. I'm sure you'll do just fine here. Just remember our little talk.

whispering
Seriously, I've got the scissors if you don't cooperate. And I've got Herzog held in a remotely monitored location; he's getting thrown to the Treadwell bears if I don't get my shots.

Smile!

Found Item: Elton Brand's Shopping List

Based on this document, found in a garbage can outside a Los Angeles area Whole Foods nearly 2 weeks ago, we should have known Elton Brand was going to Philadelphia. Seriously, batteries?