What Is This Guy Laughing At?

Hey, I like posting up as much as anyone outside of Paul Wall, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what is so so so so so funny to Eugene Pinkoxfordshirt up there. He's just loving life. BUT WHY?

Maybe because of this:

• Just watched the 5ooth Jones episode on his iPodPhone.
• Found out about Skype.
• Kevin Jonas got married.
• Received the R. Kelly Light It Up Tour DVD in the mail and watched the part that Aziz Ansari was talking about.
• Realized that exactly half of R. Kelly's songs are about making sex and the other half are inspirational self-help songs, which is a pretty weird breakdown.
• Started reading The Blowtorch.
• Is just a jolly fat man who likes to laugh.
• Bananas.
• One of his buddies wore a sweater that looks like the calibration screen on an HD television.
• Farted.
• Just likes having a good time.
• Found out his dad had Twitter.
• Rewatched The Happening.
• Can't get "Day Man" out of his head.
• Actually choking on a delicious churro.
  

But maybe it's none of those things. If you think you know what it is, throw it in the comments/bag.

What Happened Was

I was in Canada (the country) for three days, and just returned to a totally different NBA. And it's not just the NBA that changed, it's everything about America. Maybe I'm just seeing things in a different light, now that I've experienced a completely different culture, but things aren't making sense.

When I left, so many moons ago, cloning was illegal. Now, it appears that if you have enough money you can pay someone to make your identical double to give you back rubs and laugh at your jokes even if they aren't funny.

And that's not the only genetic modifications that are now allowed. Always ahead of the curve, the Spurs have somehow found a way to make their players 15% larger than they usually are. The advantages of this are numerous. Not only are scoring, rebounding, and defending far easier, kneeing people in the genitals is almost commonplace after the size increase procedure.

I'm not terribly surprised because Obama. He's changing things (mostly basketball-related genetics, obviously). But it was a little weird to me that David Stern decided to change the rules of basketball when they've been the same for so long. That he's no allowing Greco Roman wrestling during games is off-putting. That it occurs between a Spaniard and a Frenchman is all the more jarring.

And to top things off, the Kings retired my Dad's number. I mean, I've always enjoyed playing with him; he's a great passer and suprisingly nimble, but I'm not sure why an NBA team is retiring his jersey when he's never played in the NBA.

Canada is so much different than America, and I spent so much time deeply embedded in their culture that it's been such a hard adjustment coming back. In time, I hope to understand this fascinating new league.

Explaining Hook Shots

The hook shot is something near and dear to my heart. When the Trey Kerby YouTube mixtape (currently in production) finally drops, you best believe that there will be significant hooking involved, along with a very loud and ignorant rap song. That's the YouTube way.

Given these credentials, I'm pretty much the internet's leading expert on the hook shot. Furthermore, I have a degree in Health Science which allows me to explain things by using physics. Also, MS Paint lines/Helvetica.

Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:

1. Full extension of the shooting arm.
2. Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
3. Strange facial expression.

Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:

As you can see, Dwight has his elbow bent which prevents him from getting the proper arc on his hook. Plus his body is nearly facing his defender, whom he hasn't shielded with his off-arm. However, his face is pretty crazy, so that's working for him.

Now another successful hook shotta, Tim Duncan:Fully extended. Defender shielded. Face showing no emotion due to his cyborg innards. Two out of three ain't bad. MEATLOAF QUOTE.

Anyways, when Duncan decides to get balanced and shoot a real hook, it's perfect. Surprising. Of course, if you were Tim Duncan and could throw up anything and have it go in, why wouldn't you? Because you would. You know you would.

But here's Greg Oden:

While his arm is extended and he's trying to shield the defender, he just isn't doing it right. His hooks look like when your high school coach teaches you a hook shot, so you try it in a JV game and airball it short. But you got fouled and make both free throws anyway, so whatever. That's exactly what it looks like. His arm needs to be extended so that he can get some separation from his defender.

Here's our last comparison.

First, Pau Gasol:Good extension, shielding, and separation. Being that it's Pau Gasol, obviously his face is insane. THIS IS ONE OF THE KEYS.

But fellow European (not really) Kosta Koufas isn't so great:I guess if you're a Jazz fan, you love this hook shot and think it's better than Chris Paul. But it's wrong in a lot of ways. But it's Kosta Koufos, so it's basically irrelevant. But you should note that if you can't gain separation any other way, a solid kick in the groin is a great way to get your shot off too. Just ask Joel Pryzbilla.

But fear not, fellow humans, even if you go outside right now (don't go outside right now, it's cold) and shoot your first hook shot ever, you'll still be better than Josh McRoberts:

Tim Duncan Has Something To Show You

Hello.

I am Tim.

Oh, you noticed those banners? I must apologize. I did not mean for them to be so prominently displayed.

But since you mentioned it, yes, I did help win those banners.

I suppose you are correct, it is impressive to have so many championship banners in a single space. Thank you for your kind words.

(eyes bulge)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT'S A FOUL?! I WAS JUST STANDING HERE WITH MY ARMS UP!!!

(raises arms above head, jaw drops)

SEE! I'M STILL DOING THIS!! THIS IS NOT A FOUL!! I AM TIM DUNCAN!! THIS IS NOT A FOULING TIM DUNCAN!!!

(returns arms to side and regains composure)

I am beyond sorry that you had to witness that heinous act. I cannot believe that a referee would assume that I, Tim Duncan, would commit such a foul. Nonetheless, thank you for noticing my titles.

Tim Duncan.

Titles.

Tim Duncan.

Tim Duncan.

(robot noises)

TITLEBOT 21 READY TO PERFORM MISSION. BANK SHOT CALCULATING.

(jab steps 100 times, whirling noises)

BANK SHOT CALCULATED. BANK SHOT ENGAGED. RELEASE.

(shoots precision bank shot, beeping noises)

Tim Duncan.

Titles.

(robot noises)

Titles Duncan.

(robot noises)

Tim Titles.

Tim Duncan.

(robot noises)

Hello.

I am Tim.

Oh, you noticed those banners? I must apologize. I did not mean for them to be so prominently displayed.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Things I Wonder Edition

• I was driving to work this morning, listening to Dr. Dre, and the thought popped in to my head, "I wonder which of the songs on Chronic 2001 is Lamar Odom's favorite?" I know he's from New York, so he's probably pretty tied in to that scene, but I'm also fairly certain that he'd be a huge Dr. Dre fan. That being said, I'm guessing his favorite song is "Xxplosive" or "What's the Difference."
• It's always been surprising to me that Tim Duncan wears number 21. 21 is sort of a flashy number, for guys like Kevin Garnett, Darius Miles and Zaid Abdul-Aziz. Duncan seems like he'd wear something in the 40s. This has been bothering me for at least three weeks.

• This is something that KD and I talked about, but I'm still shocked by the Cavaliers. Take away LeBron and they're worse than the Bucks last year, who were 21st in offense and last in defense. LeBron is THAT good. So good that he makes the team 1st in offense and defense. That's ridiculous. "We Are All Witnesses" is a really bizarre marketing strategy, but it's also really true.

  
• I wish this were a real album. I also can't believe I didn't do this 3 years ago.
• Things on the docket for this week: internet/cable installation, which means there will be a new Blowtorch Presents, probably sometime next week. Also, there is going to be some other audio noises happening in other places, but I've probably said too much.
• Last, but certainly not least: I'm opening a cupcake shop called ToughCakes.
  ToughCakes - tough to eat cupcakes
  
  
  As you can see from the ToughCakes on the right, the tagline is fitting. And yeah, I made heart-shaped cupcakes. Deal with it.

The Spurs Diagram Their Final Play

Roger Mason: Ummm....coach....are you sure you want me taking this shot? I'm happy to take it, it's just a little weird that you're asking me. Just hold up one finger if you want me to shoot it.Gregg Popovich: I wouldn't have called the play if I didn't want you to shoot it. Also, I'm still bearded. I'm wise. I'm WISE! So, I guess, let's see...(raises finger). There, good?

Roger Mason: Yeah, cool. Just like me. I was just surprised. Tim, do you think this makes sense?

Tim Duncan: (robot noises) BEEEP BOOP BOP BEEP...CALCULATING...ROGER MASON BALL SHOOT CONFIRMED BEEP BOOP (robot noises)Tony Parker: He shood zhoot zee ball, no? Zees Vrogers Mason vith hees Charlie Oakley hairs, must-a make-a zee three. Oui?

Eva Longoria: I'm useless.

Tony Parker: BAGUETTE!

Roger Mason: Here goes nothing.

(shot falls)

Whoa, sweet. It went in. No more, Junior!

Tim Duncan: (robot noises) BEEEP NOW COMMENCING SMILE....SMILE INITIATED (robot noises)

An In-Depth Conversation Betwixt Don Draper and Tim Duncan

Even NBA Players Can't Wait for the Season to Start