Sean Marks Takes a Break

OH SNAP SON. Marcus you dropped that ball, man. Go get it. I'll just hang out here. Can't believe you're just throwing the ball out of bounds for no reason. Kinda wack, bro.

I'm freaking out? How? Because I'm yelling OH SNAP? Big deal. Maybe if you didn't throw the ball out of bounds for no reason I could just relax and set some back screens. Looooooove setting back screens.

OH SNAP. I'm gonna go set some back screens after you get that ball.

Darius Songaila Supports Dunking

Ohhvkaay, Vadon. Make zis doonk shot. I vill give you hand wif making of doonk. Seence you are faht mahn vith faht neck, I vill helpt to leeft you off ze grounds.

Niiiiiiice ahnd easee weeth ze doonk. Joost make a tall jump and make zay doonk.

Oh wows, Vadon. You are un GIRTHY man, Vadon. I cahn barley leeft.

I keed. I keed. Of corpse Daryus cahn leeft. Strenf!

Bot vreally, you shood mah-be loose some of yore weight, Vadon. Note goot fors yours hart.

Here's How Bad the Hornets Are

Whoops, Adam Morrison got his first picture of the year taken against your team. It was a wide open jumper. It went in.

Hands On at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hey campers. It's week six here at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, hosted by Phil Jackson. We've already gone over a lot of the basics such as dramatic acting, really dramatic acting, and comedic acting. Today we've got a special treat. Towards the end here, I like to bring in one of my prized pupils to show you some acting games that will help you master improvization. Boys and girls, please give a warm welcome to the newest member of the New Orleans Hornets, Emeka Okafor!

First, we'll play a game called "mimic." In this game, which I made up, Emeka is going to do exactly what I do. Watch closely and you'll see how we each change our face just enough to look exactly like the other person, like we're mimicing them. That's where the name comes from. I'll begin.

Perfect. Next.


No. Again.
No. Again.
Better. One more.
Can't you do another face? Let's try another game.

In this exercise, I call out an emotion, and Emeka will perform that emotion. I invented this game too, and it's called "Emotions." Hopefully, it goes a little better than the last one.

Okay, happy.

Good. Angry!

Perfect! Sexy!

Yes! Constipated!EXCELLENT! Unconstipated!
PERFECT!

Did you see that kids?! Emeka nailed every emotion I could think of, and he did it smoothly and with ease. Now, get with your partners, and give these games a try. We'll pick it up together in half an hour.

1000 Words: Chris Paul is Disintegrating

You guys, I've seen The Ring. He's got no more than 4 days left. Thanks for showing him that tape, Jazz fans. Babies.

Sean Marks Dunks

Okay, there's Chris. He'll find me if I'm open. Just gotta get open.

Oh, sweet! There's a path to the basket. I'm totally cutting there, mate. They won't even notice me; I'm Sean Marks.

Crikey! I'm gonna be open. I'm gonna be SO open. Thaddeus Young definitely lost track of me. Well, I'm Sean Marks, mate. Not too surprising.

This is your big chance Sean. Make it special. You're going be photographed so many times right now. Make this dunk special.

Make sure you get the dunk down. And make sure you don't blink. Whatever I do, I can't blink.

Do not blink, Sean.

This is your chance to be a star, mate. Do it, mate.

Okay. The ball's coming. I got it. This is it.

Time to dunk.

DON'T BLINK! Awwww, crikey...

Cancel Any Bets on the Knicks, Michael Beasley, the Hornets, the Lakers, and Tyson Chandler Immediately

These nuggets of NBA wisdom from Lil Wayne should be more than enough evidence that anything you think must obviously be wrong.

On the Knicks:

I think they should do good. Not OK, not great, but good. Why? Mike D'Antoni, and you know how that guy runs his offense. Gotta score within seven seconds, and that's exciting. If he gets to work over those players right there, I'm betting on his scheme and the way he coaches to say that there's no way an unsuccessful team could come out of that...I love the move they made naming my hometown dude Chris Duhon the starting point guard over Stephon Marbury...So shout out to Chris Duhon, you're the man.

On Michael Beasley:

I'm a Beasley fan. He's straight up. He's real. He plays with emotion and drive and physicality. He gets to where he needs to be on the court. And when he gets to his spot, if he's not gonna shoot it in your face man, he's gonna dunk it in your face. And if he's not gonna dunk it in your face he's gonna dish it to the next man. There's not a player in the game like Michael Beasley. His upper body strength is amazing. He could play center. I don't know if people know that, but that kid could play center.

On the Lakers and the Hornets:

This is a touchy subject for me. Probably the touchiest in all of sports. I'm tearing up as I think about it now. As you guys know, the Hornets are from my hometown, and Chris Paul and Kobe are my boys. When they play each other, I just sit there. I don't know what to do. When the Hornets score, I scream. When Kobe scores, I scream. One one of those teams will make the Western Conference finals, but I can't answer who that will be. I have no answer. It's just too touchy for me. It's too upsetting to think about one team not making it.

On Tyson Chandler:

As far as Tyson Chandler goes, no way he's gonna have an off-year. Those days are way behind him. He's a great player. He's one of the rare guys who came out of high school years ago who made it and is still amazing and just getting better. It's really scary to say, but his opponents can't stop him.

Sorry if you had any sort of hope for these teams and players, but Lil Wayne just can't be trusted. After all, he truly believes he's the best rapper alive.

Ballin in Space

Ballin in Spain

Ballin in Spa-ee-ain

Whatcha doin' out there teams?

Chris Paul:

That's pretty freaky, Wizards.

Is it cold out in Spain, Wizards?

David West:

You can borrow my jumper if you like, Wizards.

Caron Butler:

Does the cold of Spain make your nipples get pointy, Hornets?

Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae to transmit data back to Stern?

I bet you do, you freaky old bastards, you.

Do you have one really funky sequin jump suit, Hornets?

Or do you have several ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?

David West:
Do you smoke grass out in Spain, Wizards?

Or do they smoke Astroturf?

Chris Paul:

Receiving transmission from Caron Butler’s nipple antennae

Do you read me, Caron Butler?

I said, do you read me, Caron Butler?

David West:

This is Hornets to Wizards.
Do you hear me out there, Wiz?

Caron Butler:

This is Wizards back to Hornets.
I read you loud and clear, Buzz.

All three:

OH YEAH MAN!

Chris Paul:

Your signal's weak on my radar screen, How far out are you, man?

Caron Butler:

I'm pretty far out.

All three:

That's pretty far out, man!

Caron Butler:

Oh-ah-oh

I'm orbiting Bilbao

Oh-ah-ohh oh oh

I'm drawn in by its Groovitational

Groovitational pull, I'm jamming out with the Juan Dixonauts
And they think it's pretty cool man.

OOOHHH-AHHHH

Chris Paul:

Are you okay, Wizards, what was that sound?

Caron Butler:

I don't know, man, I have to turn my team around Oh, it's the craziest scene.

David West:

Yeah, I'm picking it up on my NBA screen

Caron Butler:

Can you see the blogosphere ringing?

Both:

To the choir of Ely-nauts singing
Hornets in space
Hornets
Hornets
Hornets
Hornets
Hornets
Hornets
Wizards in space
Wizards
Wizards
Wizards
Wizards
Wizards
Wizards

Eenie, ma-ma-meenie mynie mowie

(Caron Butler: Set your phasers on funky)

Eenie, ma-ma-ma-meenie mynie mowie

B-b-b-b-b-ballin in Spain

Inspired by this. Obviously.

1000 Words: Bill Baptist Hates the New Orleans Hornets

The NBA's Media Day is one of my favorite off-season happenings in this beautiful league. Not only do you get unwarranted optimism and occasional lunacy, you also get some of the most hilarious pictures ever. These are the sort of pictures that last a lifetime; that bloggers will post and re-post, just because their absurdity is unbelievable.

Fortunately for us bloggers, Getty photographer Bill Baptist holds some kind of grudge against the New Orleans Hornets. Maybe he's a big Deron Williams fan. Maybe he used to live in Charlotte and can't stand the sight of the Fleur-De-Bee. Maybe he doesn't like the new uniforms just as much as I don't. Whatever it is, the pictures that the Hornets had taken are amazing.

The following vignette showcases what must be Baptist's signature pose -- the Basketball Shoulders. Surely these are some of the most ridiculous images to be captured on film. The Blowtorch salutes you, Bill Baptist. Well done.