Introducing Dontaye Draper

This is Dontaye Draper. He's currently playing for the Nuggets in the preseason, but he probably won't make the team because he's not great at basketball. And that's too bad, really.

I heard that he has whole-heartedly embraced the dress code. When he travels to games, even if they're in the D-League, he always wears a suit. And when it's time to relax, he's still dressed-up by today's standards. We're talking white t-shirt tucked in to khakis with an extremely long crotch. On the weekends, he's bound to wear some chinos and a patterned dress shirt. That's what all the guys wear.

Supposedly, the main reason that Dontaye Draper hasn't made it in the NBA is his conduct away from the game. He's known to take long trips with no announcement, without leaving word of where he'll be. That doesn't fly in today's culture.

There's also the matter of his true identity. Word on the street is, when he was younger, he wasn't really Dontaye Draper, but LaDick Whitman. Something happened to the real Dontaye Draper, and LaDick took his place. Not a lot of people know this about him, but the people that do use that to their advantage.

The weirdest part of all this is that even if he were offered, Dontaye Draper wouldn't sign an NBA contract. He doesn't want to be tied down. Who knows where he'll be in three years?

What I Learned This Weekend

Have you guys heard of learning? It's cool. Basically, you see, hear, or otherwise experience different events and then you use those events to make yourself smarter and more knowledgeable. I did learning this weekend. I watched television shows and basketball games quite a bit. I also throughthrew a softball.

But more important was the learning that I did. Here are some THINGS THAT I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND:

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Denver Nuggets coach George Karl takes grooming advice from the ghost of former President Gerald Ford.

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THE REASON WHY JR Smith copies famous celebrations is because if he were left to his own devices, he reverts to acting like Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson from the motion picture EdTV.

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• Using bullet points is a good way of making important information stick out.
• So is bolding random words.

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IN THE OFF-SEASON, Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki is the captain of a crab fishing ship called the Northwestern. His exploits are documented by the television show Deadliest Catch.

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• RANDOMLY CAPITALIZING words is also effective for drawing attention to notable happenings. It is called HODGMANCASE.

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FOR HALLOWEEN, JR Smith and Kenyon Martin plan on going as Redman and Method Man. The twist is that while Redman is lighter than Method Man, Kenyon is lighter than JR. This is called irony or the "yin-yang effect."

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WHILE WRITING THIS POST, I learned that I know how to spell McConaughey correctly.

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Come On, JR Smith

I don't want nobody sound like nobody from my clan

Man keep it real, get your own stuff man, and be original

And you'll be a better man

And you gonna come out on your own

Whatever how you gonna take it man

Nene Meets Maybyner

Hey.

Who are you?I'm me.You're me? Well, I'm me. Who is you.So I'm you? No. You're you. I'm me. But I'm you too.I hate U2. Me too.

An Interview with a Special Blowtorch Correspondent

From time to time, I'll be checking in with my cat, Boots with the Fur, to get her thoughts on the playoffs. This is the first of those times.

Me: First of all, thanks for taking the time out of your day to meet with me. I know you're busy laying on the floor, eating, or laying on the floor.

Boots: Meow.

Me: I guess the place to start is with the Bulls. How sad were you when they were eliminated?

Boots: Meeeeeeeeeeow.

Me: Exactly how I feel too. What do you think about Kevin Garnett?

Boots: flexes claws

Me: Yeah, tell me about it. What are your thoughts on all of the flagrant foul controversies?

Boots: Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooow.

Me: Really? I haven't heard anyone say anything like that yet. That's enlightening.

Boots: purrs

Me: Of the teams left, who is your favorite?

Boots: The Nuggets.

Me: Me too, Boots. They're just a lot of fun to watch.

Boots: Meow.

Me: Do you think they have a chance at the title?

Boots: falls over and begins to sleep

Me: That seems like all the time we have. Thanks a lot for talking with me Boots.

Boots: continues to sleep

Hey, Let's Make the Worst Sign Ever

"Dude, we've got to make a sign for tonight's game. The Nugs can clinch!"

"OH that's right! For sure, let's make a sign. But we need to make sure it's very to the point."

"Yeah, yeah. Like nothing that doesn't make sense or that's too complicated. And it should be pretty boring."

"Got it."

Birdman Meets Birdman

You know me, I don't need no introduction. It's Baby, the numba one stunna, I shine every summa. The one and only Birdman, I fly in any weather.

But I be hearin they some balla callin his self Birdman. That aint gon fly, playboy. Baby, Brian, B, Bubba, you can call me what you feel, but you best know that I'm the Birdman. BRRRRRR.

I know he can't outstunt me when come to these cars, believe that. Earrings be trillion cut and my grill be slugged up. Normally, beef I don't discuss. Homeboy outta line, gon get his mondayfriday head bust. But this a clear case a copyright infringement, whoadie.

This boy be hoppin out the E class Benz? This boy got the alligator seats with the head on the inside? When the light hit his ice do it twankle and glisten? I know he ain't stunt like me. I just bought me a platinum football field. He ain't got that new Mercedes, wit da bubble eyes. I got that ON DUBS. That three wheel ride with a tire in the middle? I got that ON DUBS. TVs in all my cars, whoadie.

So why dis busta be callin his self da Birdman? Lemme peep homeboy.

Oh for real? Homeboy stay fly! I aint messin with no crazy white boy who lookin like a rooster on some down South meth addict tip. Playboy welcome to come to my next parkin lot party, and get his roll on, ya heard me? YA HEARD MEEEE? BRRRRRRRR.

Cruel Irony

So I said to Chauncey, our next game is on "Earth" Day. LOL

Ha.

Carmelo and Chauncey Come Back to Earth

Space was really cool LOL but we want to talk about the Playoffs. Right Chauncey?

Word.

Carmelo Anthony's Space Adventure Letters

What's up. I'm Carmelo Anthony. I like adventures. They're great. I've been on tons of adventures, because I'm very rich. Like multi-millionaire rich.

I've travelled across the Atlantic Ocean in the stomach of a blue whale. I've chartered a hot air balloon to visit the Canadian tundra. One time, I rode my bicycle down a very steep hill. So don't question my credentials when it comes to adventuring, because I'm legit. And rich.

But this is my biggest adventure yet. I'm in space.

Space is scary, son. It's all dark and cold and there's no way to get Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, but I figured that since I'm rich and adventurous I needed to go to space. Like Lance Bance but without the bejewed space suits.

I don't wanna get lonely, so I brought my main man Chauncey Billups with me.

Sup.

Chauncey for real loves space. He's watches space movies like Men in Black and Independence Day and Men in Black 2 and The Legend of Bagger Vance, so you know he really loves space a lot. He brought a portable DVD player with him and he's got the entire Fresh Prince of Bel-Air series, which we've been watching. I'm not too sure how space-y that is, but if Chauncey's watching it, it must be.

He don't like Kevin Spacey though. Probably because K-Pax was wack.

But I wanted you dudes on Earth to see how much fun we're having up here in the deep, dark void of space. Here's a postcard we had made in one of those photo booth things:

You can tell we're having a great time. I'll check back in soon.

Peace on Earth. LOL

Melo

Breaking Trade

In a three-team deal, Chris Andersen and your grandmother have been shipped from, respectively, the Denver Nuggets and Forest Oaks Retirement Home to the Phoenix Suns. In return, the Nuggets received 24 8-ounce bottles of Ensure Vanilla Supreme Nutrition Shake and the Retirement Home received Matt Barnes' haircut.