Dirk Nowitzki is a Fan of Shakira

Dirk Nowitzki Has Had Enough of Mark Cuban

Mark Cuban: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING FACETIOUS WITH ME? ARE YOU HAVING A JOKE WITH ME? ARE YOU TEASING ME? ARE YOU JOSHING ME? ARE YOU JASONING ME? ARE YOU THE OTHER JASONING ME? ARE YOU ERICKING ME? ARE YOU JOSEING ME? ARE YOU RODRIGUEING ME? ARE YOU SHAWING ME? ARE YOU RICKING ME? ARE YOU DREWING ME? ARE YOU EDUARDOING ME? ARE YOU DIRKING ME?

I didn't forget you, Dirk. I was saving you for last to really make my point.

Dirk Nowitzki: Was auch immer.

Little Baby Blowtorch

I've been reticent to mention this because I feel like it might be a little too personal. However, I need all of your help. My wife has been pregnant the last nine months.

Last night, our baby was born. Despite my protests, she wouldn't go for the name Bonesaw Michaeljordan Kerby. I don't know why not, either. But since it was the start of the NBA season last night, she agreed to let me name it after whoever I want. I've got some ideas.

Might go with the 'best player in the game' strategy.

LeBron Treymes Kerby

Might try to make him more exotic.

Pau Kerby

Might go old-school.

Bill Kerby

Might go new-school.

Blake Kerby

Might go for the best look.

Dirk Nowitzkerby

This is basically the most important decision of my life, so I need your help.

What do you think?

NBA Style Report - October 2009

Dirk Nowitzki

Walter Herrmann is like "nice hair." Then he rolled his eyes and palmed two basketballs in the same hand.

DOWNGRADE

Rasheed Wallace

For 63 years the Celtics have been a world class organization from the front office to the uniforms. Then they signed Sheed and told him it was okay to modify his sweatpants.

DOWNGRADE

Josh McRoberts
It's good to see that McRoberts has embraced the 'zany' bench guy role, albeit with the typical Duke twist (read: juiceboxy).

KIND OF AN UPGRADE

DeShawn Stevenson

Whoops! You still have a neck tattoo of Abraham Lincoln.

DOWNGRADE

Andrei Kirilenko
"I cahn't vait for Jim unt Pahm to be marry. I've been unt fan of John Krahseenski for long time."
UPGRADE

What I Learned This Weekend

Have you guys heard of learning? It's cool. Basically, you see, hear, or otherwise experience different events and then you use those events to make yourself smarter and more knowledgeable. I did learning this weekend. I watched television shows and basketball games quite a bit. I also throughthrew a softball.

But more important was the learning that I did. Here are some THINGS THAT I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND:

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Denver Nuggets coach George Karl takes grooming advice from the ghost of former President Gerald Ford.

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THE REASON WHY JR Smith copies famous celebrations is because if he were left to his own devices, he reverts to acting like Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson from the motion picture EdTV.

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• Using bullet points is a good way of making important information stick out.
• So is bolding random words.

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IN THE OFF-SEASON, Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki is the captain of a crab fishing ship called the Northwestern. His exploits are documented by the television show Deadliest Catch.

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• RANDOMLY CAPITALIZING words is also effective for drawing attention to notable happenings. It is called HODGMANCASE.

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FOR HALLOWEEN, JR Smith and Kenyon Martin plan on going as Redman and Method Man. The twist is that while Redman is lighter than Method Man, Kenyon is lighter than JR. This is called irony or the "yin-yang effect."

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WHILE WRITING THIS POST, I learned that I know how to spell McConaughey correctly.

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Go Green, Guys

Hey dudes, it's "Green Week" for the NBA. Maybe you haven't heard of the environment, but it needs us to "go green." This means we need to do things for the environment that make the environment not hate us. If we don't do this, the environment will make us want to kill ourselves in increasingly ludicrous ways, and who knows if Marky Mark will be able to save us again.

But there are things you can do to help make the environment happy. For instance, you can take part in the NBA's gimmick for a good cause. You can buy their organically made goods which will still clog landfills once you realize you bought a multi-colored basketball and recycled socks.

And once you get your shirt, you can look just as silly as Denver's mayor by wearing a t-shirt over your shirt and tie. This look was invented by bros at Express Men maybe 4 years ago, but when you combine it with an environmental-friendly bicycle you look super fresh.

Another option is to go the Phoenix Suns route. As you can see, they hired reality tv hopefuls to work both in their promotional department and in their roadside garbage pick-up crew. Those orange cargo pants are great for carrying your spec script, headshots, and of course great amounts of garbage.

Or here's an idea: give children Gift Cards. Yeah, they'll eventually just be thrown away after the kids get their hands on the newest all-over print hoodie, but at least it's better than an oversized check, a great signifier of excess and disregard for the environment.

Oops!Maybe you have a lot of labor to take care of around the house. Rather than using machinery that emits harmful toxic fumes, why not just buy a couple of local teenagers to do the dirty work?I saw what happened to everyone around Mark Wahlberg, and I don't want that to happen to us. I'm going to do my part by recycling memes. In fact, this very post is a Skeets post with a thin coat of cynicism.

If we all work together, we can help save the environment. Mark Wahlberg isn't going to be here forever. But even if he was, we don't need to see him put through the obvious stress and consternation that he went through that time everyone started stabbing themselves. Look how hard he had it back then.

Don't put him through that again.

Please consider the environment before printing this post.