Coffee in hand.

Today I get a little break from work! Tomorrow I'm back 2-6.

Last night I stayed in Denton at Kelli and South's place and it was just a nice time catching up and just hanging out. They apologized for not being "fun" or doing anything, but really I didn't mind and loved not doing anything. Some of the best nights are just staying inside and talking with one another.

I was looking through all my documents saved and I came across one titled Ideas. A couple of months ago I wanted to come up with something to make lots of money, and basically be the next TOMS in a sense. So my line of stuff is called Hope Line and basically its t-shirts, backpacks, journals, greeting cards, could be mugs, anything you want. And the symbol would be a dove, representing hope: peace: love: faith: joy. I just feel super inspired all the time to do something, because I love more than anything to share something big with people and just see that joy come over them. The hardest part is getting started.

Tomorrow morning if you have nothing to around 6 a.m.-ish which I know is no one, you should come to the multi-family garage sale happening off of Norwood in Hurst, TX. So find all the change you can so you can buy something nice for yourself, friend, pet, family member, boss, etc. Its going to be great.

In Utmost today, its Becoming Entirely His.

James 1:4 says "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking anything."

It's all His, and its us that must believe.

Some of my fav photos from Sharptop/Saranac. I know this is late.

view of the famous blog/dining hall

kara & i at the top of the mountain, fully completed the hike!

blake, tricia, hunter, muah on the formal dinner night. everyone is lookin' sharp.

my favorite tree at Saranac

Ryan Anderson Confuses Fruit

Oh. My. Gosh. Look at the size of that owange. That is the biggest owange I have evow seen. I am going to eat that owange SO fast and it's going to be SO good. Wyan weally wikes owanges. Thank my wucky staws foah this enoahmous owange.
Oh, owange. I am so happy to eat you. You will be sweet and dewicious in Wyan's bewwy. If I didn't eat you, owange, I would want to mawwy you and maybe go see the new Hawwy Pottah movie togevah. You make me so happy, owange. I am sowwy to eat you, but you awa a big yummy owange so I must.

GWOSS! GWAPEFWUIT! YOU AWEN'T AN OWANGE AT ALL! HOWA DAWA YOU! You awa too souwa! I fought we wewe fwiends! You twicked me, gwapefwuit. I will NEVEWA eat a gwapefwuit again because you awa SO mean. You taste wike souwa poops. Gwoss. You awa the wowst fwuit evewah.

Untitled.

I am about to go into work, 12-4 shift. Easiest thing, because I will be reading Something Borrowed, talking to my homies and just relaxin'. Oh and PAYCHECK DAY! That puts a smile on my face..

Currently I am listening to P!nk, who is a very talented woman if you haven't listened to her stuff, thats what you should be spending your time doing today.

In Utmost For His Highest, God has already opened my eyes to what the readings are. Yesterday talked about seeing Jesus in the clouds which I never even thought about. I mean the clouds show Jesus so well and clouds bring sorrow, sufferings, but also carry joy. When you really dissect a cloud you really see Jesus throughout, its pretty amazing.

I'm a very scattered-brained writer, get used to it.

Luke Ridnour Misses the Point

Mo Williams: This new commercial is going to be insane.

Rashard Lewis: For real, we look tight.

Kevin Durant: Yeah.

Rashard Lewis: Who else they got comin'?

Mo Williams: I don't know. You know, Kev?

Kevin Durant: No.

Rashard Lewis: I think Iggy coming. And I heard Luke Ridnour was coming, but that can't be true.

Mo Williams: Who is Luke Ridnour?

Rashard Lewis: He play for the Sonics.

Kevin Durant: No.

Rashard Lewis: Oh, right. He play for the Thunder.

Kevin Durant: No.

(door opens)

Mo Williams: Iggy! What up?!

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

Rashard Lewis: You bring anybody with you?

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

(door opens, knocks over Connect Four game)

Luke Ridnour: Hey, guys. Did I do that?

Mo Williams: Who dat?

Kevin Durant: Ridnour.

Williams/Lewis: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Luke Ridnour: Awwww, not again. They said "dress like the early 90s." They specifically said EARLY 90s. Why does this always happen to me?

Williams/Lewis: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

Now you can blog through mobile?! This is amazing.

Moving

This week has been full of packing and carrying (Jocelyn does the packing, I do the heavy lifting up and down stairs from one apartment to the other) as we are in the process of moving to a new apartment.

We will stay in the same ward, but the new place is cheaper and closer to the metro (so I no longer have to take a bus, I can just walk), we have friends who live in the same complex (more babysitting favors, right?) and we still have the same square footage.

Jocelyn's favorite feature? For the first time in our married life, we will have a kitchen with a pantry.

-Bob

Oil Prospecting with Joakim Noah

At Joakim Noah's house...

Trez Kerbz: I have boredom, Joakim Noah. There is boredom in me.

Joakim Noah: For real, son. Let's do something then.

Trez Kerbz: Like what?

Joakim Noah: Let's get some oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: a) Why would we get oil? And b) How are we going to get oil?

Joakim Noah: You kidding? Oil is like gold, but, like a liquid.

Trez Kerbz: Liquid gold.

Joakim Noah: Word, son. We need to get that oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Sure. How?

Joakim Noah: Yo, throw that ice pick in the ground.

Trez Kerbz: Why do you have an ice pick?

Joakim Noah: Why do only certain birds eat certain bird seed? Why did old-time sailors think manatees were mermaids? Why we hangin' out? You ask too many questions, man.

Trez Kerbz: Whatever. So, you think I just throw this ice pick in the ground and we'll get some oil?

Joakim Noah: Word. Get a bag though.

Trez Kerbz: Why?

Joakim Noah: For the oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Right. (throws ice pick, oil starts spurting)

Joakim Noah: YEAH, SON!

Trez Kerbz: I cannot believe that worked. (copious amounts of oil continue to spurt)

Joakim Noah: GET THAT OIL, SON! GET OIL!

Performance Enhancers for the Portland Trailblazers

One of the things that I'm always telling Matt Moore is how I want every NBA player to completely maximize their potential. Clearly, this will never happen. However, thanks to certain shadowy connections I have made, I have procured the following items for the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. They have the pieces to challenge the Lakers and Spurs in the West, so I thought that giving them a little extra help would raise the level of the league just a touch. Here is what I acquired:

Robot Legs

For: Greg Oden

Advantages: Supports brittle bones that have been ravaged by osteoporosis. Improves lateral quickness. Improves jumping quickness. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: The only thing heavier than his actual legs.

Hook for a Hand

For: Lamarcus Aldridge

Advantages: Aids in grabbing tough rebounds. Frightens opposing players. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: Occasionally falls off of arm stump. Turns player in to a monster.

Shoe Lifts

For: Jerryd Bayless

Advantages: Makes player appear taller, therefore allowing him to play shooting guard.

Disadvantages: Kind of sissy.

Nunchucks

For: Brandon Roy

Advantages: Just seems like he'd like nunchucks.

Disadvantages: None.

Muscle Milk

For: Nicolas Batum

Advantages: Adds muscle. Tastes like milk.

Disadvantages: For bros.

The Most Boring Player in the NBA

Facts about Andre Miller:

• Every day for lunch eats white bread, hard-boiled eggs, and American cheese.
• Favorite television program: Antique Roadshow
• Favorite actor: Ben Kingsley
• Favorite actress: Angela Landsbury
• Takes lukewarm baths; refuses to use shower.
• Drives a silver1996 Chevrolet Lumina.
• Owns 16 pairs of Champion cotton shorts with pockets (aka "Dad shorts") in various shades of grey, black, and blue.
• Has two dogs, a yellow lab named "Rick" and a beagle named "Tom."
• Favorite color: grey-ish
• Favorite musician: Seals and Croft
• Favorite movie: The Good Shepherd
• Weekends are generally spent doing yardwork, reading the newspaper, and doing yardwork.
• Once took a roadtrip by car to Yellowstone National Park to "see what all the fuss is about." Upon return, declared the park "too sprawly."
• Favorite food: porridge
• Favorite store: Kohl's
• After a night out on the town his rookie year, remarked that clubs are "too loud" and has yet to return.
• Next movie on NetFlix queue: Grey Gardens
• As a child, met Magic Johnson and told his parents he wasn't impressed because he was "too smiley."

Weight Loss Solutions for Eddy Curry

Word on the street is that Eddy Curry is trying to get his groove back. Ostensibly, he wants to "be ready" and "resemble a basketball player" and "attract women." But I'm willing to bet he logged on to the information super highway, went to Google, started Googling "eddy curry is awesome" and saw this:
Then he had the sadness and decided, "I should probably stop being as fat as I am. This will cure the sadness." Because I'm trying to diversify Blowtorch Consulting, I'm willing to offer my help in getting Eddy Curry back in shape. Here are some suggestions.

DIET AND EXERCISE
This would probably be my first suggestion. But since it involves eating less and working out more, let's move on.

HAVE A BABY
Just giving birth is an easy way to drop 7-9 pounds, plus Eddy would continue to lose weight while he nursed the baby. Not to mention, he'd also have a new baby that he can enter in to various pageants, even after only two weeks after birth. I assume he would teach his child how to do a backflip, which would be pretty big points in the talent portion.

STAR IN A CHRISTIAN BALE MOVIE
In The Machinist, Christian Bale played a man who is very skinny and also chops another man's arm off in a factory accident. It is legendary how much weight Christian Bale lost for this role (most estimate the amount at a lot), then he put on a bunch of muscles and a very growly voice to be Batman. I would probably tell Eddy to not go "full Bale," or else he'll lose his ability to back flips and/or walk.

CLICK ON INTERNET ADS
In just 2 weeks, Eddy Curry could change from a very fat black man to a slightly smaller white man. In most circles, this is called "the Eddie Murphy diet" after his preference for playing every character in more and more depressing movies. However, once again I'd worry that he'd stop being able to do backflips.

I'm not saying that these are the only ways to lose weight (also: methamphetamines, illness, surgery), but they are probably the best. In fact, if Eddy were to incorporate the last three in to his current diet (fats) and exercise (none) routine, he'd probably be able to drop at least 15 pounds before the season started. Good luck, Eddy!

Art Review: Being a Kobe Fan

Summary: A Kobe Bryant fan is surrounded by various tormented characters. Also, there is a red string.

Insight: To truly understand this masterpiece, each image must be considered by itself, but the entire picture must be assessed as a whole.

Beginning with the maniacally smiling fellow on the left of the picture, we see the immense joy that Kobe winning a title "by himself" brought to fans. Continuing counterclockwise we encounter a bearded, balding man. It can easily be assumed that this man is European, since he looks like a stereotypical cab driver seen in 1980s movies. This is likely an allusion to Pau Gasol, and a statement that says Kobe didn't necessarily win by himself.

The child to the right of the European is clearly pained. We must assume that this character represents the brattiness that Kobe showed as a youngster in the NBA. Since the Kobe character has his back turned to the child, we can infer that he has turned his back on these childish ways. The guy with the scarf/neck brace is the definition of Los Angeles superficiality. He is turned away from Kobe and seems nonplussed. This shows that even though Kobe is a huge sports star, not all of Los Angeles is impressed with him.

The last two notable images are the dual images which represent Phil Jackson. At the top, we see controlling hands, and in the bottom right, a man with an eyepatch. The displaced hands, clearly, are a reference to Jackson's hands-off coaching philosophy. And the way that the eyepatched man and Kobe are sharing a glance confers that they know something no one else does. It is likely the eyepatch represents Jackson's leaving the Lakers for a short period before returning.

Lastly, the red string which ties everyone together is obviously a call-out to Kobe's Michael Jordan obsession, a driving force throughout his career. I think we all know what the blonde woman represents.

Estimated price at auction: $5-10 (this looks like a high school art project)

What is Toni Kukoc Doing RIGHT NOW?

Modelling

25-1
Hiding
8-1

Going to the Phish Reunion Tour

12-1

Boring radio show hosts with Ottoman Wars discussions

5-1

Working on his Samuel L. Jackson impersonation

10-1

Outreach with Dr. James Naismith and his original basketball
30-1

Auditioning for Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

2-1

Aging gracefully

500-1

Kobe Bryant: Too Concerned with Peace?

Guys, I'm kind of worried. I've been doing some investigation lately, on the information superhighway. I'm pretty well-trained on most detective techniques, including but not limited to:

• smoking out perps
• stakeouts
• disguise
• fake names
• mirrored aviators

Needless to say, I know what I'm doing. And I think I'm on to something big. Check out these latest photos of "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. They're from his "Asia Tour."

Did you notice it? Probably not, because you haven't taken several correspondence courses on espionage like I have. To your untrained eye, you just see "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. But to my more discouraging eye, I noticed that in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE he is giving a peace sign. Seems fishy.

And check out this one:

By now you know how to look for clues like the peace sign, but did you recognize that there are now TWO peace signs? Don't worry if you didn't, this is advanced sleuthing. Now if those original pictures seemed fishy, then this one seems TWICE as fishy, because there are two peace signs.

Now most amateur detectives, like The Big Lead, would halt their investigation here and libel the suspected parties. But not me. I went deeper. Check this out:

Can you see it? No, not the peace sign. Not the Bro either. The shirt "Kobe," if that's even his real name, is wearing. It's from this year's All Star Game, which was five months ago. So we know that this has been going on a long time.

What's the angle here?

What is "Kobe Bryant's," if that's even his real name, plan?

Is he trying to throw people off his scent by constantly preaching peace?

Might he be attempting to overthrow V.A.S.T. through his own shadow company?

Is this "peace sign" really some sort of trigger for his operatives?

I don't know yet. I have to keep digging...without a shovel.

Charlie Villanueva Riche

Hello there, Mr. Villa...umm...Villanewva? I do hope that's right. I'm Preston Von Grippe, and I just wanted to come and welcome you to the area. It has been AGES since we had a professional athlete around here. They have all the money in the world, but just no taste. Quite a shame. Might I enter your backyard?

(Preston opens the gate to the fence and saunters gingerly in to Charlie Villanueva's backyard, where he finds Charlie in his new hot tub.)

Oh, for shame, Charlie. Here in the Hamptons, we would never have something as ostentatious as a champagne hot tub. And the rope is SO garish. Obviously, you're "new money." Not that that's a problem. It's just...obvious.

It is Charlie, right? I suspect your parents called you Charlie, didn't they? That's too bad. Charles is such a nice, mature, respectable name. In fact, my mummy's father is named Charles. That's where I got the name for my yacht after all.

But don't mind me, Charlie. You seem to be enjoying your swim, so I'll let you continue. Muffy and I will be sailing on the S.S Charles for the next couple days, so I'll tell my children, Tad and Arabella, to make sure not to bother you. The weather the next couple days is to die for, and I wouldn't want your bubble bath to be interrupted.

By the way, Charlie, if you'd like to join the brood and I for a late dinner this evening, please do so. We tend to eat late, in the manner of the Spanish, so keep that in mind. That is, of course, if you've ever even had tapas.

I jest! It's going to be great having you as a neighbor, Charlie. I'm SO happy that you got that nice contract for playing your little games. Maybe sometime I can teach you croquet. You know, a gentleman's game. No "short pants" like that basketball you play. I assure you that this will be a most exquisite summer.

Toodles!

I'm Busy

Hey bros. No jokes today, probably, since I won't have too much time to formulate thoughts. I'm officiating a wedding tonight for my best friend, Brian Scalabrine, and I'll be away from the computer for the most part. Love y'all.

Henk Norel on Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Yesterday was a pretty stressful day for me. I was away from the computer all day, so there was no Blowtorch "hilarity." Sorry (not really). But as a nice way to end the day after exhausting book deal negotiations, I saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with Minnesota TimberLOLves draftee Henk Norel. Here is our post-viewing conversation on the way home.

Trez Kerbz: So, what did you think of the movie.

Henk Norel: Jah, not so bad, mate. I locked the movie, mate.

TK: You sound like you're from London.

HN: Netherlands, mate.

TK: Cool, bro. What was your favorite part?

HN: I thought it was cool, mate, how they had a character zat looked just like me. Actually two, mate. It was a noice tribute.

TK: That's what I was thinking the whole time. It was funny how the little girls kept coming up to you and asking if you played Fred or George.

HN: Jah, zat was CRAZY mate. Don't they know the deeference between a Dutch accent and an English one, mate?

TK: I don't.

HN: Jah, good point, mate.

TK: What else did you like?

HN: Mostly just looking like those two brothers. Oh, and the guy that looked like Ricky.

TK: Ricky Rubio?

HN: Jah.

TK: So you liked the character of Harry Potter, who the movie is about, because he looked like your teammate, but you couldn't remember his name even though, like I said, he is who the movie is about?

HN: Jah.

TK: You're an idiot. What does "Henk" even mean?

HN: Hank.

TK: Of course. Let's just be quiet until we get home.

HN: Jah.

TK: You know, I don't even know how we started hanging out in the first place.

HN: I thought we were being "quiet."

TK: Shut up.

Gay pride? Gay FAIL!

It's not often I say that gays fail at life, but in this case, they do.

Think of a gay pride parade: fun, energetic, colourful and, of course, super-duper GAY! So then why on earth did the organizers come up with the stupid idea to put every bloody pride celebration on a SATURDAY?!!?

Now I understand that many are only free on Saturdays because of work or study committments etc, but this is not the case for me. For me, Saturday is my most hectic day, as I have to work from 9.30am until 8.45pm. You may be thinking 'Just get the day off!' But in my profession, that is easier said than done. You see I'm the head of tap at a large dance school where I live, and I can't full well adjust the whole timetable just to suit my needs.

I'm not actually a fan of my job - it's inflexible and means I have to deal with children all the time (which I am not a fan of, by the way) - so maybe just this once the organizers of pride could put their festivities on a weekday. Just maybe?

I'm guessing this will never happen, but it makes me sad because I've only ever been to pride once, and that was on holiday in London. It was amazing, needless to say, which just makes it worse that I've never had the opportunity to go again.

NOTE: Changed my mind, gays don't fail at life. I've decided there are probably some heterosexual organizers who are out to get me putting a spanner in the works. HETEROSEXUALS, YOU FAIL AT LIFE!!

Brandon Bass Works Out for the Magic

I think I'll just shoot some jumpers to get loose. You know, with these arms I need to make sure I'm nice and limber.

Lordy, this ball is heavy! I just can't seem to shoot it strong enough. I suppose I'll have to flex to make sure I shoot it the right distance.

Does this look okay Coach Van Gundy? How is my form? Do my arms look alright? I mean, if you want me to, I can flex them a little more. I've seen what you've done for Dwight, so I know that's an option.

Seriously, did you guys put lead in this ball? It is HEAVY. But don't worry, I think I can lift it above my head. Oh, there. There we go. Looking good?

Oh, this is STRENUOUS! I can barely get the ball up this high. Good thing I've been working out this summer or else I wouldn't have this strength! Thanks, creatine powder.

Can someone come over here and feel my biceps to make sure they're moving the right way? I wouldn't want to be wasting your guys' money with bad form. I just really need someone to come and hold on to my biceps. It's for the team.

RetroTorch: the Dream Team Promotes Contraceptives

Though the Nuva Ring prototypes were cumbersome and unwieldy, the Dream Team's enthusiam for birth control was certainly commendable.

I couldn't find this story online, so I decided to post it on my blog.

Here's a humorous story about what happened to a guy who "should have known better."

RESULTS OF SABBATH-BREAKING

Solomon F. Kimball

The worst sin conceived in my heart while I was growing up was Sabbath-breaking. When I first commenced to violate the fourth commandment, the bitter was given to me in a mild form, such as slight injuries, tumbling into creeks, tearing my clothing, and getting a well-deserved spanking at times.

As I grew older, the penalty became more severe, such as being thrown from horses, kicked by mules, hooked by cows, bitten by dogs, and many other experiences of a similar nature. While these bitter pills were being administered to me with clockwork regularity, I was doing all in my power to make myself believe that Sabbath-breaking had nothing to do with it, but found it very difficult.

In 1869, a small company of us boys settled in the Bear Lake country and commenced to build homes. This was the first time that we had everything our own way, and a jollier lot of Sabbath-breakers probably never lived. All days were the same to us, and especially Sunday; for that was the day of all other days that we turned ourselves loose in the full meaning of the word. It was Sunday when we took possession. It was Sunday when we surveyed our land. It was Sunday when we laid out our town. It was Sunday when my brother, David P., and I drove home from the canyon so rapidly that I was thrown from my wagon and nearly killed. We lightly laid it to carelessness, but it was weeks before I was able to go to work.

David and I each had a load of logs in the canyon ready to haul and, as soon as I was well enough, we went after them. As I was loading my wagon, my fingers were caught between two logs and I was unable to extricate them. I yelled for help, but received no answer. While suffering with my three mashed fingers, I was forcibly reminded that it was just five weeks to a day since I was thrown from my wagon, and now I was again in a worse predicament than ever. As soon as David had loaded his wagon, he came strolling up the canyon to find me in this pitiable plight. He pried my fingers loose, and I was soon on my way home with the words, “Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy,” everlastingly ringing in my ears. A month passed before I could use my hand.

I was so far behind with my work by this time that I hardly knew which way to turn. My barn was up to the square, and I was very anxious to get it under cover before winter; hence, I thoughtlessly went to work on it one Sunday morning. As I was hewing a log above my head, my ax glanced and came down on my right foot, cutting its way through the main joint of my big toe. I feared I might bleed to death, for there was not a doctor within fifty miles to the place. I was disable for weeks, and it seemed to me a miracle that I lived.

For a long time after that, I moved about with considerable care on Sundays, for I was convinced that the Lord was terribly in earnest when he thundered the fourth commandment into the ears of the children of Israel. These incidents worked a reformation throughout the whole camp, but, boylike, we soon again forgot.

Two years later, Manasseh Williams and I went to Salt Lake City after supplies. We loaded our wagon on Saturday night and started for home Sunday morning. As I was driving over a bad place, I lost my balance and fell to the ground. Two wheels passed over my lower limbs, and I was again disabled for a month.

The next Sunday, in company with several companions, I visited Edington’s brewery. While we were having the time of our lives, a crazy man entered the place, carefully scanned the crowd, singled me out, of course, stepped within a few feet of where I stood, drew from his belt a big gun, and without batting any eye, banged away at my breast. My left hand happened to be in front of me when he shot. As quick as thought I threw it up and caught the ball in my hand, where it remained for several hundred Sundays.

I never could quite understand how it was that the evil one always picked on me, unless it was on account of my parents(Heber C. and Vilate Kimball) being so much opposed to Sabbath-breaking. I finally became a close observer of the Sabbath day, and, considering my restless disposition, my conduct became quite praiseworthy.

(Solomon F. Kimball, Life of David P. Kimball (Salt Lake City, Deseret News Press, 1918), pp. 107-1)

(Found in When Faith Writes The Story, compiled by Margie Calhoun Jensen, pp. 190-192)

Tony Parker Rides a Scooter

Eva! You muss old on tights to ze Tonay! Ees vare dangeruse to vriding on ze street and to not old on to ze waist of Tonay. But do no worry, Evas. Tonay es a pro. Not like-a that Monty Ellees who hass nayvare seen ze streets of Parree by motorbike.

Oh, so beautifool, ze streets of Parree. Tonay love-a ze streets of Parree. Espayshully by ze motorbike. Tonay grew up on motorbike. So many time Tonay go to ze bistro to get ze baguette on ze motorbike.

Ze key, Evas, make-a sure zat you smile so beeg. Smile as beeg as you can make smile. I make-a sure to get you helmeet zat shows-a yo face. Tonay always thinking.

I'll give you a REAL playlist, iTunes.

When I realized what a crappy 'Gay Pride: Girls' playlist iTunes had included in their store, I was super confused: no gay lady would consider the majority of these songs worth listening to, or in fact, gay related at all. (AfterEllen.com recently blogged about this, but I thought I'd create my own.)

Some songs on the iTunes list include:

'I Kissed a Girl' by Katy Perry - of course! All lesbians 'hope their boyfriend won't mind it'.

'All The Things She Said' by t.A.T.u - yet another fake couple who pretend to be gay for publicity.

'2 Become 1' by Spice Girls - What this song has to do with lesbians I don't know.

Some songs I can forgive them for are 'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan, 'Constant Craving' by k.d. Lang and 'Help Me' by Joni Mitchell. There are others, however, that just don't tickle my fancy.

I'm sure all you lesbians are shuddering at the iTunes list right now too, and all this raises a simple solution: GET SOME DAMN LESBIAN EMPLOYEES! Maybe then, we'd have a decent playlist listen to.

Here are the top 10 songs that would appear on my playlist (in no order):

1) Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks. (Who, by the way, didn't appear anywhere on iTunes' version!)

2) Beeline - Sky Larkin.

3) Kiss with a Fist - Florence and the Machine.

4) Poker Face - Lady GaGa. (Because yes, lesbians do like mainstream too, just not when it demotes homosexuality.)

5) Not Listening - Sick of Sarah.

6) Scared as F**k - An Horse.

7) Bad Education - Tilly and the Wall.

8) I U She - Peaches.

9) Back In Your Head - Tegan & Sara. (I agree with AfterEllen on this one!)

10) These Dreams - Heart.

Granted, you may not have heard some of these songs, but if you've been to gay pride recently, these are the sorts of songs being played. And I love it!

If you haven't heard them, download them! They're better songs than iTunes' drivel!

money sucks

If I had to support myself right now in this moment I would be living on the streets. I have about $60 bucks, and $40 of that will be gone tomorrow for a child I support in Uganda. I need to bring in some income ASAP! I should be getting a check within a week but that will be used shortly to pay for my first apartment bill. This sucks. If you have any suggestions on how I can get some money in, shoot me a message. In the meantime, I will be living outside probably.

How to Make Friends in the NBA

Being a professional basketball player can be hard sometimes. Weeks and weeks are spent on the road. There are only eight months each year that millions of people watch you on television. And of course there are gold-diggers, haters, bustas, bammas, suckas, and haterz (way different -- note the Z). If you don't keep your guard up, you can get taken advantage of pretty easily. All these factors considered, it can be hard to make new friends. That's why you see so many players with posses of their old neighborhood pals, many of whom like to shoot guns and do drugs.

But meeting new people and making new friends is an exciting part of life. Every new person you meet could change your life, for better or for worse. For example, one time I met Seal, and ever since then, I've been training my voice so that I could be as great as he is. It's true that not everyone you meet is as awesome as Seal, so that's why The Blowtorch has created this handy guide to making friends, while playing in the NBA.

As you can see, there are four different groups of people that an NBA player can befriend. Let's discuss the pros and cons of each.

BROS

The Bro is just a normal person, who thinks it's the best thing in the world to meet a professional athlete. That's why they're so smiley. After you have befriended a Bro, they'll tell all their Bros that they're friends with an NBA player. At first, you'll probably think it's pretty cool, because they seem so chill, but it'll eventually get annoying when they ask you over to their condo and it turns out that there are 80 other people there who want a chance to see you. Not cool, Bro.

IMAGINARY CHARACTERS

You may think that the artificially created "friends" that you have constructed in your superior athlete brain are a nice way to escape the harshness of reality, but when those characters become your reality, things can get pretty freaky. On the other hand, free fries.

ATHLETES

This is probably your best bet. Not only can you and your new athlete friends go to the same clubs because you both have tremendous amounts of money, you also get a complementary Snoop Dogg, because he loves hanging out with athletes. However, you can encounter trouble if your posse and your new friend's posse clash (it's common knowledge that many posses contain haters, bustas, and haterz). Therefore, it's best to stick to partnerships arranged by your publicist. It's not technically friendship, but it's pretty close. Plus they can get you the matching outfits that all true friends wear.

"ACTORS"

Now, a real Actor (capital A) will not want to be friends with a professional athlete. They are far too devoted to their craft of pretending to be other people to lower themselves to befriending someone who plays a game for a living. However, "actors" (typically found in Michael Bay movies or the Disney Channel) will gladly befriend you. It makes them look cool by association. In all honesty, this isn't a bad move, since they have emptied the pockets of the parents of teenagers across the globe, and therefore have the money to kick it "Kade Style" at the hottest clubs. Everyone who mistakenly thinks they are famous, talented, or interesting knows that kicking it "Kade Style" is the best way to kick it.

After years of research, I've found these four categories are the best to look for new friends. Your new friends will be happy to be around you, and you'll be happy to not feel like the goofy tall kid in 4th grade. Win-win. Good luck friend finding!