Back to the Future IV

"Alright, here's the pitch; we send Kevin Love, Luke Walton, Kevin Martin, Spencer Hawes, and Kosta Koufos back to the early 90s when they're playing bitty basketball. If they don't get back to the future before the Summer of 2010, they'll tear a hole in the space time continuum and LeBron James will decide to play bass for the recently reformed Limp Bizkit."

A Couple of Your Buddies Played Basketball Last Night

Last night, I went to the gym with my best friend. First we lifted some weights (back day), then we decided we'd play some basketball to get our cardio on. It was pretty fun.

Then your buddies showed up.

Your friend, Jeff? That guys sucks. He's got the most annoying voice on Earth and he would not shut up. Oh, and I'm pretty sure his elbows are made of razorwire. I don't know what his problem is, but he was throwing elbows at everyone. What a jerk. I mean, seriously, who plays basketball with gel in their hair?

Kevin seemed alright, except: a) line beard. You know I hate line beards, and b) holy cow is he sweaty. I kind of felt bad for him, it was really gross. But then I remembered his line beard and didn't feel quite as bad.

I think you need to tell your friends to chill out the next time they come to the gym. They were playing WAY harder than anyone else, and it was really getting on everybody's nerves. It's cool that they were trying to "take the competition up a notch," or whatever, but they were really lame. Jeff kept making these really inappropriate jokes then laughing to himself with this smug smile. It really weirded me out.

I don't mean to be a jerk, but if those guys don't relax, they're not welcome at X-Sport Fitness.

The Beautiful Mystery of Basketball

Kevin Love: Oh, it's so magical. I've never seen anything quite like it.

Andris Biedrins: Yah, ess vunderfawl. I like-a ze vay zat eet lukes. Vhat ees eet?

KL: Ha. Like I'm going to tell you. Idiot.

AB: Comes on, Kayvuhn. Jahst tell me. I promeice zat I vill not tell anyvahn.

KL: I don't trust foreigners.

AB: Kayvuhn, tell me. Tell Andris what zat magic ees. I have nayvor seen anyseeng like zit.

KL: Man, get your hands off me. The Love Doctor only sees female clients.

AB: But Kayvuhn, who can tell Andris vhat eet ees?

KL: Ask that drunk guy by your bench.

Don Nelson: OH SWEET CANDIED YAMS, THAT'S AMAZING! SOMEBODY GRAB ME A BREWSKI AND CHECK THIS THING OUT! BETTER YET, BRING LIKE NINE! I FEEL LIKE A KID AGAIN!

AB: Vhat a vaste.

There's a Reason My Last Name's Love

Awwwww, yeah girl. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’, “that Kevin Love looks HOTT in that new Twolves jersey.” Well I got news for you, baby. KLove’s gonna make this jersey work.

I’ll come by later, wearing my jersey, singing “Business Time.” Cause you know when KLove gets down to business, it’s business time. Play your cards right and we might be talkin’ 2 am burritos at El Mex. If you’re lucky, I might let you wear this jersey, girl.

Haha, I’m just playin’. You know KLove ain’t givin’ up this jersey. Even your fine self can’t work this jersey like KLove.

The blue makes my eyes pop? You know what else is poppin’? Yeah, you do girl. I call it KBone. And that’s what I’m gonna do. Why don’t you come a little closer and I’ll show you why McHale didn’t need Mayo. That’s right, we’ll be talkin’ trades ALL NIGHT. Like you tradin’ your man for KLove.

You like the way I got this ball spinnin’? That’s just the start, baby. Let these fingers do their thing and KLove’ll do his. I’m talkin’ outlet passes to your front court. I’m talkin’ back door passes to your…well, your back door. I’m talkin’ you trimmin’ my linebeard. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it. You won’t be the first and you certainly won’t be the last.

But, for real, girl. I’ll enroll you at UCLA. The University of Climax, Love Academy. And you know who the dean is? KLove. Don’t worry, your application has already been approved and I’ve got your grant right here.

Kevin Love

Kevin Love shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.