Monday, March 30, 2009

Blank.

I just realized that I am a part of about 5 communication online websites. Those being Facebook, Twitter (recent), this Blog, Tuggle and I'm going to count iChat. Is that bad?

I would love to be the blogger that consistantly writes and people read my blog like a book but unfortunately I forget to sign in and I am not that talented with writing. I do like to journal though, so maybe I'll remember to sign on once in awhile and write. Do I have any followers?

'Til then..

Oranges Aren't The Only Fruit

In the past, I've blogged about the more homophobic goings on at my college. However, for once, I have some positive to write about on the gay front.

I was casually strolling past the DVD section in our college library (I was actually about to leave) when what should I see but the movie version of Jeanette Winsterson's Oranges Aren't The Only Fruit.

'Oranges' follows a lesbian girl and her partner who is adopted into a religious family. Obviously, the fact that this DVD even existed in such a close proximity to my own home (clearly ignoring my personal DVD collection) surprised me because in a small town like ours, most people have very old-fashioned views on homosexuals.

The fact that the movie was there for everyone to see - it wasn't pushed to the back, gathering dust, it was actually on the front row! - put a smile on my face and simply inspired me to write this blog.

So whoever put it there or suggested it should be available for rent in a public library, I salute you.

P.s. Since when could you take out DVDs in a library? Surely that is what Blockbuster is for...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Programming Note: OFF


Since I'll be in Toronto until Tuesday evening, I'm leaving the Blowtorch in the paws of my cat Boots with the Fur. She's not a great typist, but she's pretty witty. For instance, it was her idea to poop on the floor in that Brad Miller video. That being said, she's a reclusive genius; the Dave Chappelle of cats, if you will. I wouldn't count on her posting anything, but you might be able to find Blowtorch-branded silliness in or about other Internet locations.

Clementine Ford goes back in the closet...

My life is no longer complete: this week, The L Word actress Clementine Ford claims that she didn't previously come out in an interview with UK magzine DIVA.

A couple of months back, I blogged about Ms. Ford allegedly 'coming out of the closet' during an interview. (You can see the whole blog here.)

However, now she is saying the complete opposite. She claims that she never came out, and just spoke about how she didn't want to put a label on herself.

The article also pushed forward false rumors about Clemetine's private life with Kate Moennig (aka Shane McCutcheon) and twisted what she said about her work on The L Word.

She said of the article:

That Diva article also picked up quotes from a podcast interview I did with AfterEllen.com where the interviewer asked me if the sex on The L Word was real, and I very jokingly said, “Yes, we actually had sex. The L Word is porn. The secret’s out!” And the Diva writer printed it as fact that Kate and I had real sex on camera! I was like, “Oh, my God, I hate you!” I almost wrote a nasty letter and then I stopped myself because I thought, if anyone is stupid enough to actually believe that Showtime would let us have real sex, then that’s not my problem. So that was that. But it made me very angry.

So there we have it. Sorry to burst your bubble ladies... Still, whatever our Clem classes herself as, she's still beautiful.

Thankyou... Or good riddance?

****WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN'T YET WATCHED 'THE L WORD' FINALE.****


Mostly, all I've heard about the L Word finale was that it sucked.

And yeah I guess it did: there were story lines left unresolved (such as whether Alice and Tasha stayed together) and no one even knows who killed Jenny.

But surely we should be thanking L creator Ilene Chaiken for giving lesbians their first ever mainstream show.


There have been highs - pot brownie parties, TiBette sex!, sou chefs - and lows - Dana's death, Tina having sex with men and Max in general - but the main thing is that there was something for lesbians to watch without having to cringe over constant boy/girl sex scenes. (Okay, so it included some heterosexual content too, but predominantly, the sex was girl on girl.)

Also, people always says that most of the actresses gracing our screen, which include Jennifer Beals, Laurel Holloman and Rachel Shelley, don't look like 'conventional' lesbians. But really, who cares?! They're all beautiful, talented and smokin' hot! Lately I've realized that lesbians just like to find stupid stuff to rant and moan about!

Take, for instance, the fact that Lindsay Lohan 'decided' earlier this year that she was gay. Of course, there was a huge uproar by the lesbian community claiming Lindsay was 'doing it for publicity.' Well... So what if she was?! If you don't pay attention to it and it turns out that a week later she's no longer a massive dyke, then who cares? Just let the girl do what she wants!

The last time I blogged, I gave some advice to the straight parents out there. Well, lesbians, now it's your turn: Stop complaining about stupid little things! Life's too short!

On behalf of all the lesbians-who-don't-constantly-moan committee, I say thank you Ilene, for laughs, tears and totally unrealistic story lines. :)

Friday, March 27, 2009

More Carmelo Anthony's Space Adventure Letters

What up, Earth? We are. LOL.

It's me, Carmelo Kiyan Anthony. Just checkin' in from the deep, dark expanses of Space, wanted to let y'all know what me and Chauncey have been up to this week.

Main thing we've doing, like usual is watching Chauncey's movies. We ain't really know there wasn't going to be tons to do out here, but it's been cool. Like, we thought maybe we'd get a chance to grill out, but supposedly if you go outside the shuttle, you die instantly cause of no oxygen. Which also means the grill wouldn't work, but whatever.

So we stayed in and watched Chauncey's little DVD player. Chauncey, of course, brought Space movies because he loves Space. Right, Chaunce?

Word.

His main flick this week, which we watched like 12 times is Wild Wild West. I didn't really think that was too Space-y, but Chauncey says it is.

So after we've watched this probably 8 times, Chauncey goes to the back of the shuttle and about ten minutes later he comes back with this sketch:

Inspired by Dr. Arliss Loveless, Chauncey wants to build this huge Space spider in our bay. I'm like, "yeah, cool, there's nothing else to do." So we started building it and building it and like equipping it with weaponry because that's what Loveless did and Chauncey is mad dedicated to the source material.

After maybe 3 days of building we tried out the Space spider using our shuttle's holding arm. But like, something went wrong and we accidentally detonated the missle before it was unlatched? We're not sure, since we followed Chaunce's detailed blueprint.

So I guess the big story this week is we made a space explosion.


We're alright though. Actually, I feel out-of-this-world good.

HA.

Melo

P.S. If there's anything you want to know about Space or anything else, let me know. I'll hook you up.

Pictures!!!

Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top check out Robert's mad theory blog below (and comment!). I don't want to eclipse his blog, but it's high time I post the bazillion pictures we have.

Brace yourself for cuteness.


First Bath Trauma:




Peter the Drooling Sleeper:


Peter and BFF Maama (we miss you!!):



The Big Bro Torture Has Begun:










One of My Favs:

Peter the Stud All Ready for Church:







Jeremy's Many Expressions...

"I'm confused"
"Another picture?? Don't you have anything better to do???"

"Ooooh..." (he's either very interested or very ninja-esque)
"Enough already! FEED me!!"

Aren't my boys the cutest ever? I agree. :) (-Jocelyn)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Meta Cars


Peter is watching Cars right now. He loves that show. My favorite part is when Lightning McQueen is paving the road and is muttering to himself, "Turn right to go left. Guess what? I tried it! And this crazy thing happened. I went right!" Then the old lady car, watching from her porch, says "If you keep talkin' to yourself, people are going to think you're crazy!" Lightning retorts "Thanks for the tip!" "What?" she replies. "I wasn't talkin' to you!"

Anyway, the real reason I'm writing is because after seeing the end credits of this movie for the gazillionth time, I came to the realization that this movie is a movie within a movie. You see, once the credits finish, it shows the crazy tourist couple from the beginning of the movie still wandering around in the desert, lost. Then a car bug flies by and bumps into the camera, leaving a blue smudge on the screen. Also, my wife discovered that in another scene toward the middle of the movie, a bug lands on the screen and leaves a trail across part of the camera.

Remember that during the credits, you see the car characters from the movie watching other Pixar movies with car characters, including A Bug's Life (A Car's Life?) and Toy Story (Car Story?) I remembered the brilliant fake outtakes from A Bug's Life, where you learned that all the animated insects were meant to be actor insects. If the car version of A Bug's Life were watched until the end, you would eventually see the characters in A Car's Life revealed to be actors (during the outtakes). And if my theory about Cars being a subtle movie within a movie is true, and if you were able to see the outtakes of A Car's Life, what you would actually be witnessing is a movie about cars making a movie about cars who later watch a movie about cars making a movie about cars.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Brad Miller Show: An Evening with Brad Miller

Brad Miller is just a normal guy. He does laundry, cleans up cat poop, and bakes pizza. You know, normal guy stuff.

The Leak

In a world where people get book deals for pictures of other people's cats, pictures of other people's food, and even other people's Tweets, I figure there may be a tiny market for a Blowtorch-helmed book about basketball. And if there isn't, I want to write a book anyways. As such, I've been secretly writing a book that will be published in time for next season.

The question now: who will publish it? More than likely, the answer is me; but if you want to publish it, Famous Book Publishers, that'd be cool too.

To build "buzz," here's a sample chapter regarding Brandon Roy:

Brandon Roy Chapter

(click to enlarge)
Don't worry, there's more where that came from. All offers can be directed directly to The Blowtorch.

Kevin McHale is a Graveyard Smash

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

He did the mash

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

One Picture, Two Memes: A Blowtorch Guide to Making Jokes

Sometimes I like to do some behind the scenes education for the kids. Today's post is about generating memes. Kids today know a lot about memes, but sometimes they don't know how to make them. But thanks to the ShareBro Meme Incubation Conclave, and careful study with noted meme creator, Carles, I've become fairly proficient at making memes from things.

Here is today's course material:

blowtorch breakdown

By following along, you will see that by using a single picture, we will generate two memes of different stickiness1.

Here is our source material:As you can see, it is a picture of Rashad McCants, Reggie Evans, and Andre Miller from a recent Kings/76ers basketball game. Let's make our first meme!

GENERATING A BASIC MEME

Our first meme is a basic meme, which tend to be stickier than higher level memes. This meme begins with Rashad McCants' face, which appears to have been distorted at the time of this photograph. Upon seeing his confused look and open mouth, I instantly noticed that he looked similar to the Jamie Foxx character in the upcoming motion picture The Soloist.

By isolating McCants' face and placing it next to a screencapture of Foxx's face from the upcoming motion picture The Soloist, we have created a basic meme:

Now a lot of blogs will stop at the basic meme. Because it's an easy joke and has maximum stickiness2, this is a pretty sound model for generating bloggable content. However, there is even greater comedic potential if we delve deeper in to the source material.

GENERATING A HIGH LEVEL MEME

We will now generate a high level meme. High level memes require both the generator and the audience to be familiar with numerous aspects of popular culture, sometimes from bygone eras.

For this high level meme, we will isolate the entirety of Reggie Evans. As you can see in our source material, Evans appears to be pleading with the referee for some unknown injustice. You will also note that he is bald and is seemingly pockmarked (though this may just be beard follicles).

Now to generate the meme, I immediately thought of how similar Reggie Evans looked to the musician Seal. I then referenced Seal's #1 hit "Kiss From a Rose." By overlaying a particularly appropriate stanza from this beautiful song, I have created a high level meme. However, in order for this meme to be successful, I'm assuming the audience a) agrees that Reggie Evans looks like Seal, b) they know the hit song "Kiss From a Rose," and c) they realize that this lyric of desperation correlates with the look on Evans' face. Because all three of these factors must be agreed upon, this meme is significantly less sticky. It is through the use of high level memes that the Blowtorch has gained critical acclaim while not often crossing over to mainstream audiences.

RECOGNIZING NON-MEMEWORTHY CONTENT

Not everything is deserving of a meme. As noted on today's guide, Andre Miller's grimace does not strike me as particularly memeworthy. This is, in part, because Andre Miller is likely the least interesting person to ever play professional basketball. However, to each his own meme. If you feel this is memeworthy, by all means, create and share your meme.

IN CLOSING

I hope that this tutorial on Blowtorch meme generation has proven both educational and insightful. I may have given away some secrets, but the great thing about memes is that they belong to all of us. The Internet will support an infinite amount of memes, but only the best will receive international acclaim. Good luck in your own meme generation, and remember, have fun!

  1. Stickiness is how long-lasting the meme is. It is a scientific measure of how many people are aware and use the meme.
  2. In this case, it could be suggested that The Soloist become a McCants nickname.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Carmelo Anthony's Space Adventure Letters

What's up. I'm Carmelo Anthony. I like adventures. They're great. I've been on tons of adventures, because I'm very rich. Like multi-millionaire rich.

I've travelled across the Atlantic Ocean in the stomach of a blue whale. I've chartered a hot air balloon to visit the Canadian tundra. One time, I rode my bicycle down a very steep hill. So don't question my credentials when it comes to adventuring, because I'm legit. And rich.

But this is my biggest adventure yet. I'm in space.
Space is scary, son. It's all dark and cold and there's no way to get Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, but I figured that since I'm rich and adventurous I needed to go to space. Like Lance Bance but without the bejewed space suits.

I don't wanna get lonely, so I brought my main man Chauncey Billups with me.

Sup.

Chauncey for real loves space. He's watches space movies like Men in Black and Independence Day and Men in Black 2 and The Legend of Bagger Vance, so you know he really loves space a lot. He brought a portable DVD player with him and he's got the entire Fresh Prince of Bel-Air series, which we've been watching. I'm not too sure how space-y that is, but if Chauncey's watching it, it must be.

He don't like Kevin Spacey though. Probably because K-Pax was wack.

But I wanted you dudes on Earth to see how much fun we're having up here in the deep, dark void of space. Here's a postcard we had made in one of those photo booth things:


You can tell we're having a great time. I'll check back in soon.

Peace on Earth. LOL

Melo